Love Is Love Is Love

In my years of blogging and social media, I can't tell you how many posts I've read where the writers prefaced whatever they were going to say with something akin to, "I'll lose friends/readers/followers over this but I don't care, its what I know/believe/will stick with..." I've always been a person who lacks a filter. I'm honest, sometimes brutally so and when it comes to certain things, especially things I'm passionate about, I'm in your face without regret. I don't believe I've ever written something like that before but I'm about to. 

I can, without a single second of hesitation say that because of what I'm about to share, I will lose friends/readers/followers but I cannot say that I do not care. I do care because if you find yourself irritated or disappointed at what you read and you have any thoughts of no longer having an investment in this blog of mine (or my life) then please, PLEASE walk away. I encourage questions and discussions and different opinions and insights but I have absolutely no room in my life for people who I can't take at face value. If in your mind I am any less of a person at the end of this as I am right now but you insist on not sharing that with me, again I say, please, PLEASE walk away.

It's one thing to stand up for what you believe is right and a wholly other to discriminate and say you do so for God. I believe in God. I worship God. I love God. I know God wants me to strive to be like Him, loving all and judging none. 

Love is love is love. 

Opposing LGBT Groups and same sex marriage strikes me as belonging to the same level of hate and bigotry as that regarding biracial relationships and bi-religious marriages. Hitler's ideas regarding the purity of race were/are seen as hateful, spiteful, derogatory, disgusting, and any other terrible word you can think of. To him and his followers though, they were not only inspired but 1000% justified. During the time of slavery, black people were seen as nothing more than animals and property to be sold and used and dealt with as such. The people who owned slaves and truly believed there was/is a pecking order in race also felt 1000% justified. Any decent human being would agree that Hitler and racists are people who didn't/don't deserve to breathe the same air as the rest of us. 

So why, WHY is there still so much hate regarding certain people?

Hate exists and discrimination occurs because of fear. Fear of change and fear of new things and things that are different and difficult for those on the outside to understand. 

That's it. 

Fear. Not anything else. 

It has nothing to do with loyalty to or belief in God. God loves without condition and never stops. He never takes pause. I've always believed that. I'll always believe that. I've always known that but until a couple years ago I didn't truly grasp what that means to its fullest depths.

Can I tell you a secret? I used to be THAT person. The person who once voted against gay marriage. Why? I had certain ideas and beliefs drilled into my head that its what God wanted me to do. So I did. And guess what? I didn't feel like a better person. I didn't feel like I had done what God wanted me to do. I didn't get a surge of pride for doing my Christian duty to 'protect' what has become known as traditional marriage.       
A friend of mine who also happens to have a blog, wrote the BEST post/essay/article/declaration/anything I have ever read in my entire life, addressing this very thing. Traditional marriage, defending it, dissecting it, exploring it and Lovelies, its truly and perfectly flawless. She's amazing with all her facts and research and eloquent and graceful writing.  


How To Be A Sort-of-Traditional Mormon Defending Non-Traditional Marriage

Thanks Christine. 

I look back now and cringe at what I was always spouting and preaching. I really was just spewing rhetoric without a second thought. 

I was right! God only wanted boys and girls to love each other romantically! Love the sinner, hate the sin! 

Nothing could make me doubt and no one could change my mind.

I have no idea exactly when my beliefs evolved into what they are now. All I know is somewhere along the way I began to ask myself why it was so important that a man and a woman be the only people allowed to love each other freely and get married. Not just why it was important but why on Earth was it so vitally important to ME that "traditional marriage" be protected. 

I found out that it wasn't. Who was I to 'take a stand' and tell people who were no less of a child of God than I that they were wrong to love who they loved and that because they loved a little differently than me, they could not marry the love of their lives? The answer to that question is that I am no one. It's not my place nor will I ever claim that it is again.

I look at the people who surround me. My family, my friends, people I work with, people I interact with here in Blog and Social Media Land... and I am in awe. 

They are all different. 
Some are married.
Some are single.
Some are straight.
Some are gay.
Some are Christians.
Some are Atheists.
Some are boys.
Some are girls.
Some I adore.
Some I barely tolerate. 

Why am I in awe? Because I know that they belong to God just like me. They are human, just like me. They are capable of incredible things and making mistakes, just like me. They hurt and feel joy, just like me. They cry, laugh, think, live and love, just like me. 

I've thought many, many times what it would feel like to be told that I couldn't do something because of some other circumstance. 

You can't drive an SUV because you have freckles! You can't write a novel because you suck at math! You can't be married to Mr. Superman because he has blue eyes and yours are green!

Silly right?
Ridiculous and absurd?
No one would ever have the right to make any of this real!

Once upon a time women couldn't vote nor could blacks. Once upon a time it was legal for a husband to rape his wife because it was her duty to have sex with him. Once upon a time marriages were null and void if one of the parties had lost their virginity prior to being married. Once upon a time if you stepped on a crack you could fall and break your mothers back.

If it had been illegal for my Catholic Father-In-Law to marry my Mormon Mother-In-Law, I wouldn't have my incredible husband and therefore would be dead.  

Lovelies, everyone on this Earth is here because of a loving God. Each and every one of us means the same to Him and each and every one of us deserves everything this life has to offer. What do I think this entails? 

To be free to love and be loved by whomever our heart chooses because that's what it boils down to. Our hearts choose. When it comes to who our hearts choose, they beat out the rhythm God intended from the beginning. Wildly, freely, endlessly, and without discrimination or limits. 

Love is love is love.

To believe otherwise is no honor to God and attempting to justify what is nothing short of discriminatory by saying anything to the contrary makes not only a bigot but a liar also.

It's not easy being different. I am the only person within my immediate and also within the majority of my extended family that supports same sex marriage. It's tough but I know that its incomparable to what any gay person goes through. Being told you don't have control of your life and your dreams because they're 'non-traditional' is unfathomable to me.

The day that this world accepts that love is love is love is the day my heart will smile almost as big as God will be.

How? Why? What Do I Do?

Hey there Lovelies and Dolls!
I hope y'all are doing fabulous and fantastic. Me? I'm in between states of being and unsure of how I feel. My heart doesn't quite know where it is in the midst of... well, everything.

I thought when I started blogging again, sharing and opening up more, things would get easier. When I say that I mean that instead of harboring everything I feel and think on the inside and having it take its toll on me and everyone around me, I thought I was ready to open old wounds and pour the salt in them that is exploring and working through and eventually resolving and moving on.

There has been a sort of pattern with me and this blog of mine the last couple of years. Tough things happen, I close off, take a step back, time passes, I feel like I'm ready to share, and then the reception of what I just shared with other people leads me back to the belief that closing off and internalizing is the way to go.

Before my rape, I NEVER cared about what others thought about me or how others felt about me. In the 48 hours afterward I had been poked, prodded, scraped, examined, photographed, questioned, interrogated, accused, and every other mortifying, intrusive, demeaning thing you could possibly imagine by no less than 10 different people of which only 3 were female. I was forced to relive every terrible second of my attack 4 different times with four different people. Those 48 hours are in my opinion, without a doubt, the 48 hours that completely changed my mind, my heart, and how I myself down to the deepest depths react to human interaction whether it be face to face or via phone or internet conversations.

I got put on the defensive when accusations were thrown around that I was making it all up. Are you kidding me? My swollen and bruised throat, my arms, thighs, and chest were covered in cuts and huge hand print bruises yet I was making it all up? Then it was suggested that my husband was responsible. When that was first said aloud to me I wanted to recant EVERYTHING because I was absolutely terrified my husbands career was going to be ruined because of the blatantly ignorant beliefs of the people over my case. Since then I have tiptoed very lightly when it comes to opening up and sharing. It makes me sick with worry and anxiety but I get brave and I open the flood gates. I get an outpouring of support and encouragement and love from the vast majority but there are the few who feel the need to degrade me even further with their words full of hate and lies.

What am I supposed to do? Just a few years ago I wouldn't have batted an eye or thought twice about people being rude or hateful toward me. They were inconsequential and their words and opinions even less so. Now? I start to shake, my heart races, my throat closes, I feel vomit about to come up, my eyes cloud over with tears and then terror and hurt and just indescribable angst takes over and paralyzes me.

Its pure hell.
But its also my reality.
It feels like weakness.

Last week I told a friend that I can't stand that these people still have such complete control over me. That when I made the decision to stop hiding this terrible thing that happened to me and finally open up and be honest about it, that would be the first step to getting better and becoming free. Then I get  an email or a comment and it leaves me completely downtrodden and back at square one wishing I had never talked about it at all.

"You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.' You must do the thing you think you cannot do. "

~ Eleanor Roosevelt

I'm waiting for Eleanor's words to take immovable root in my heart and mind as truth. I don't know how to make it happen but there has to be an infinitesimal glimmer of hope deep inside of me somewhere otherwise I would have given up a long time ago. 

You Should Practice Swallowing Your Words or Maybe Not Talking At All

Oh word vomit what a bittersweet relationship we have. On the one hand, I don't have much of a filter and severely lack the ability to bite my tongue, so I can appreciate when other people are brutally honest or don't sugar coat things. On the other hand, most people abuse you. Word vomit isn't supposed to be obscenely foolish or full of incompetence and yet so many humans don't grasp that their word vomit is just that. I guess once they vocabularily puke on someone who isn't able to suppress the innate desire to kick their teeth in, they'll start to catch on. 

But I won't hold my breath. 

We're used to people around us, most of the people we know/talk to, being (sometimes unintentionally) insensitive and just all around clueless about a lot of the things we have going on in our lives. We realize that multiple lost pregnancies, infertility, military life, and my rape are all kind of heavy things people will treat like landmines. Trust me, we grasp that fully.

Some people's excuse is that they just don't know what to say or do or how to act. 

Answer: NORMAL.  
Duh.  

To us, its just routine life, the life we've had for 5 years. There is no need for our conversations with you to be centered around the crappy things we've had happen. The last thing we ever wanna do is make people feel uncomfortable or be constantly rehashing the sometimes harshness of our past/present reality. We don't expect anyone to be fully educated or sound insanely cultivated on any of those subjects but most of the word vomit that abounds defies the normalcy of common sense. More often than not Mr. Superman and I will exchange glances that expressly involve the single thought of, "REALLY?!" and the more people tip toe around us and try to make conversations with us 'normal' the more dumb stuff falls out of their brains and off of their tongues. Its like the harder you try to be perfect at something, the more you'll find yourself making little mistakes but the minute you let yourself chill out and be the regular you, things will start to flow.

Unless you're a special brand of dim-wittedness a la Jessica Simpson or just flat out mean spirited, the conversations that seem to have been recycled for the last 5 years regardless of who we're talking to, need to stop.

EXAMPLES:

I get FB messages, emails, texts, and people telling me all the time about how sharing my story about being raped is disrespectful to my husband and I shouldn't be talking about it. 

We get told ALL the time that if we just relax, pregnancy and viable birth will just happen when the time is right.  

We are incessantly and without fail asked by friends and family when we plan on becoming parents. 

WTF? Again, REALLY?!

The first one I never even dignify with a response because that is just flat out, pure ignorance.

The second one is full of stupidity because trust me, if relaxing is all it would take for us to have a baby, I'd be more zen that Buddha. A) I no longer have the body parts and organs required to get pregnant on our own and all the relaxation in the world won't make those things grow back. B) Shut up unless you wanna get slapped. 

Lastly, the hardships and facts about our issues with having children are far from secret. In fact, people I've never even met know all the nitty gritty because its been all over this blog for years. Oh, and Facebook. And every time you ask us, we give the same answer. We'll have kids when we either win the lottery, someone dies and leaves us a fortune,  someone decides to donate the insane amount of mula our situation will require, or someone's 16 year old sister/daughter/niece/friend/cousin gets knocked up and gives us their kid. The one option I haven't tried is dedicating my life to becoming the best gosh-darn coke head street walker I can possibly be. Word is those lucky yatches get knocked up about as often as Charlie Sheen says, "WINNING!"


Really though...

When someone talks to us like they know how it feels to be more barren than the Sahara while holding 3 babies on their hips, I want nothing more than to stop them and ask them how stupid they're capable of sounding because I do indeed have a limit of how much I can tolerate before I just turn and walk away.

When someone complains about how annoying their kid is or how lucky we are to be childless and then drones on about how 'doing the whole mommy thing' is the hardest thing anyone could ever do I want to correct them and say the hardest thing anyone could ever do is not strangle you while you're rambling on like a world class dumbnut.

Now I'm not going to say this isn't directed at anyone personally (because I don't LIE) and because it is. I have to chuckle whenever I read someones blog or FB rant where they go off on something but then say, "Now no one take offense because its not directed at anyone." Why do I let out a jolly old "Ha Ha!"? 

Because its a fib and everyone knows its a fib. 

The person who reads that and believes you is probably the person you are dedicating that slice of vent heaven to. You're writing it for a reason and its directed at someone. 

I will say that this isn't directed at just one person. Its a whole slew of these word vomit users and abusers that this goes out to. If you have to think in your pretty little head if you've ever made me wanna flick you in the nose and walk away, you probably have but hey, we're all human and it happens. I know I bug the beejeebeez out of some people and that is just dandy because I have the peace of mind that I don't toss my verbal cookies in someones face over sensitive issues and I know I'm not mean, I'm honest. I can't give offense, you can only take it and that too sweetcheeks, is your prerogative.

I'm Not Back Yet, But...

People are driving me crazy. 

Have you ever attempted to be the bigger person but the more you try, it seems like people all over the place get more annoying, more insensitive, and the act itself gets seemingly more impossible?

I have.

Geeze I have. 

I wish I could just tell people exactly what I think of them, exactly what I feel, and exactly how WRONG they are without repercussions.

 

This has become my mantra and I so WISH I could walk around with this on a small portable billboard that runs on a constant loop. The more annoying or hurtful or ignorant the person is, the bigger and brighter this would flash.

Don't confuse silence with apathy or seemingly prevalent loneliness with the purposeful suppression of thoughts and feelings in an attempt to spare someone else's emotions.

Other times I wanna say, "Eff being the bigger person" and go and do what benefits me. Its almost an ever-constant tug-o-war. I have to keep myself in check, exercise epic self-control and make positive use of all my energy in moving onward and forward. The more space that there is between us and the dummies past, the better. 

Despite wanting to oft times throw ourselves on the ground, kick and scream, and then once once we are emotionally exhausted, just curl up in the fetal position and wait for the world to change, we must face the music. I don't know if you know this or not, but change doesn't just skip along and figure your life out for you.  Its about you putting your feelings on the back burner, sucking it up, and being the type of person this world so desperately needs more of. Rather than arguing back and wasting your energy on petty little things, focus on the words, thoughts, and emotions that will help you and even if it doesn't seem possible, the person that's making you turn into a crazy white girl who's about to open a big ol' can of wh...

Despite an almost instinctual reaction, we as humans need to sincerely think about what has been said or what we wish to say. Is any of it worth losing friends, hurting family, and losing ourselves to the compromise of what we know we SHOULD do? 95% of the time, you unknowingly become a self-deprecating pawn in the hands of negativity and pessimism.

 

Once I'm able to move far enough away from a certain person or a hurtful thing that may have been said, I'm able to start forgiving. Its funny really because forgiveness definitely isn't about another person. The act of forgiveness is solely and perpetually about US. 

Over-Statements

I have been trying to mull this over for a while now. When I am irritated, tact and grace hardly ever come through my words and to say I'm irritated would be a gross minimization of what I'm feeling. If you follow me on Twitter or Facebook you may have seen me post this article that was published on Examiner.com and written by a military wife. You could have seen it posted by someone else you know as well because I alone had 15 fellow Milie's share it along with their disgust with this woman. What's so wrong with the article? Why am I so fired up?

I am all for freedom of speech and freedom of press, I am. This woman has every right to say what she wants but when she is sitting there blatantly attacking an entire community (and one I am proudly a part of) and is spouting off her negativity for anyone to see or read, you'd better believe I am going to get angry and speak my mind. Even more so when I know that everything that person is saying is false. Grossly over-stated.

We as a military spouse community try so hard to fight against the stereotypes we are ignorantly labeled with and then here is a wife doing nothing to help. I just had to respond.

"After I read your article, I was more in shock than anything else so I had to go take a peek at the woman behind the words.
 
'Debi Ketner, an award-winning military life columnist, has focused on military marriage as a writer in Norfolk for over 14 years. Married to a Navy senior chief, she's also the mother of five sons, one currently on active duty in the Armed Forces. Her articles on military marriage have been featured in Military Times and military websites in the past.'

All I can say is that I feel so sorry for you if you truly believe everything you wrote describing us fellow military wives. It is such a mound of negativity and then reading that you are described as 'an award-winning writer' who has been featured several times in many different online outlets expanded my worries even more to think about the amount of new military spouses and civilians you now have convinced of what you see as the truth. The majority of military spouses I know and have come in contact with, along with myself, try so very hard to dispel the common misconceptions and stereotypes that are widely believed and readily accepted about us all. For a fellow military wife to blatantly spout off negative rhetoric as if its factual is offensive and disappointing but even more so since you are in a position of power to get your ideas published and spread.

I can only hope that someday soon you are able to let go of whatever negative experiences you may have had in the past that poisoned your perception of military wives and the relationships we have with one another. Maybe you'll get lucky and you'll find a hell of a friend in a military spouse because I myself, have found some of the best friends in the world in the 2 years I've been able to call myself a military wife."

This is also the woman that published that article saying that a "vast amount of military couples partook in oral-sex pacts" with other couples while spouses were deployed. Yeah, that's her. I just honestly cannot understand what would make someone do that. She isn't making herself look any better, that's for sure. Thankfully, the majority of feedback she has received has been from fellow military spouses not holding back. I just hope this opens her eyes but I have a feeling she is loving all of the attention and will continue to pollute the internet with her negativity.

What the Censoring Fatty?!

I have a question for you guys. What do you think about Blog Censorship? Do you guys feel like you can be 100 percent upfront, open, and in your face with your blogs or do you edit out things you really do want to say but don't want to offend people or what not? I know that was a major run on question but really, what do you think?

In the past I have not edited anything to make things easy for someone else because this is MY blog.  This is where I vent and journal and feel like I can be me without having to apologize. I have however, toned down the politics quite a bit and I try to be a little more mellow.

Lately, I have been getting numerous anonymous posters talking lots of shiznit about Mr. Superman, his being in the military, my talk of my infertility, and really negative and oft times derogatory comments. Most I don't publish and I don't dignify them with a response but what about you guys? What do you do?

I think that in my Answer post from the Q&A I will answer every question and comment I have gotten just so I can have piece of mind about these idiots. The way I see it is if you want to be a jerk and be completely negative, have the gumption and balls to do so without hiding. Really? You want to talk badly about me and about my life but you aren't brave enough to do it straight forward? Step up for real.

Alright now that that's out there, here is what's been weighing on my mind lately. Ha ha well more like weighing all over me. My weight. I have always been really self conscious and super self critical. Since meeting Mr. Superman, I've felt better about myself and my self perception has improved a bit. There have been a few times where I all of the sudden will gain weight without any changes in my diet or exercise. Usually when I notice, I'll up my activity level and I will drop back down to my normal weight. Now in the last year, I have had a few operations, went through something extremely personal that tore me apart,  have moved 2,000 miles away, started school, and am trying desperately to balance life. A little stress weight is to be expected I think but this is insane.

I am at my ALL TIME HEAVIEST and it has been a huge downer for me. I thought it would be like every other time I lose weight. NEGATORY GOOD BUDDY. I have cut out soda, tried to have smaller portions, drink lots of water, and have worked out for at least an hour every day for the last 2.5 weeks. Guess what? I haven't even lost half a pound. Its getting under my skin so bad. There have been other times I thought I was chunky but I see pictures from then and I just wanna cry because I was so skinny and fit and had a great body. Needless to say I have had a major wake up call and once I get back to my healthy weight, I will be content. Once I am back to my healthy weight, I won't be saying I'm fat because I now realize I wasn't. I guess all I can do is keep working out everyday and pray it starts working soon 'cause 25 el bees is A LOT.

This is me now

This is what I want so desperately to be again.

(Mr. Superman taking a creeper shot)

Thanks for letting me whine a bit. You guys are the best. Happy Thursday! (The beginning of my weekend, yes Sweet Mary!!)

♥ Mrs. S.