Another Phone Call

Life.

It happens.

Until a few years ago, I never really knew what that meant.

I thought I knew. I thought I knew what it meant, what it felt like, what it was.

I didn't.
I do now though.
Boy, do I know.

And if there was ever any doubt, I'm constantly reminded. Most of the time, it's me who reminds me but yesterday it happened to come courtesy of a phone call from a certain Air Force Captain. The same Air Force Captain who has been on the other end of several phone calls that reminded me of it.

Life.

Three years and 14 days ago, it happened.

Pain.
Terror.
Humiliation.
Guilt.
Rape.
Life.

Life happened.

It's nowhere near anything I ever thought would be a part of my life but on October 4, 2009 it happened and it is now very much a part of my life.

About eight months after it happened, I received a phone call from the JAX (AF Legal) Captain notifying me that the civilian court in Texas had declined to prosecute. The District Attorney had taken my case before a Grand Jury and despite all of the evidence against him, they returned a No Bill on my attacker. The DA had pulled the Grand Jury and discovered that there were three men who could not and would not be swayed of their opinions. To them, my swollen and bruised neck, the petechiae in my eyes from being choked and suffocated, the bruises in the shape of his hands on my arms and legs, the scratches on my back from his dirty fingernails, the bump on the back of my head were all indicators that I liked rough sex. They had no problem saying that in their minds, this was a case of a young military wife who cheated on her husband and regretted it so she cried rape. There was no indictment issued and he was then free to continue on to the base listed on the orders that had been put on pause when the investigation had begun. He was free as a bird and when he got to Little Rock AFB and his file landed on the Commander's desk, I got this phone call telling me everything.

In a phone call, it happened. Life. Again. In that phone call I felt all of that pain and terror and humiliation again.

The beginning of September 2010 brought another phone call. This one was to tell me that the Commander wanted to go forward within the military justice system and convene an Article 32 hearing.

In a phone call, it happened. Life. Again. In that phone call I felt hope. Life isn't always bad and I was reminded of that.

A week later Mr. Superman got a phone call. He was being deployed in two weeks.

In a phone call, it happened. Life. Military life. Again. I felt what I imagine to be the absolutely normal yet no less frightening rush of emotions that any military significant other feels when they hear those words. THE words. I'm deploying. A split-second later however my heart jumped into my throat and my head started to spin because yet again, I was facing the possibility of facing my attacker alone. All of these thoughts, and feelings, and fears overwhelmed me in a matter of seconds.... all because of a phone call. Again.

By the end of September my husband was gone and I was living with family in Arizona. The day marking a year since my attack was full of writing depositions, answering questions from lawyers, and praying I got to talk to Mr. Superman who was 8,000 miles away.

October 19, 2010 was our three year wedding anniversary. It was also the day of the Article 32 hearing. I was berated with questions from all sides. The Prosecution walked me through every single second of that night. THE night. The night it happened.

Pain.
Terror.
Humiliation.
Guilt.
Rape.
Life.

I answered the same questions I'd been asked by so many people, so many times. Then I did it all over again  with the Defense team. I was slandered. Embarrassed, mortified, terrified, frustrated, exasperated, upset, angry.... these don't even begin to cover what I was feeling. I did it all a third time with the Judge Advocate. Each time I had to use clinical terms and explicit detail sparing nothing. Three times. A few hours later it happened. Life. I had gone to an Urgent Care because of pain I'd been dealing with. It was a miscarriage. Our third angel baby was gone. I was numb by this point except for a tiny spark of feeling in my heart when the realization hit that I was going to have to tell my husband.

And just like that it would happen again. Life. Shock and sadness would follow the news I gave my husband. He would be reminded that life happens. No matter what, it happens. There's no stopping it. Even though it was our anniversary and despite him being 8,000 miles away in an active and dangerous war zone, the words I'd say to him would reaffirm the bitter truth of life. All because of a phone call.

It didn't take long before my phone was ringing and the caller I.D. showed it was the AF Captain. I didn't answer it. I couldn't. I couldn't bring myself to face another phone call that would jar me back to the reality of it all. Life. I was sitting in a nail salon with my sister and we both had our feet soaking in mini-jacuzzi tubs. I was going to be flying to Salt Lake City the next day to spend Thanksgiving with Mr. Superman's family and was looking forward to a week of escaping reality. A few minutes after the missed phone call my phone buzzed to let me know I had a voice mail from the Captain. I ignored it. I don't know how many hours it took or if it took a few days but when I finally braced myself and put the phone to my ear, I wasn't prepared for what I heard.

"Everything has been dismissed. The Judge Advocate didn't feel there was enough to take it any further. As far as his civilian record goes, there is none. His military file shows that while he attended Tech School he was questioned about a SARC case but nothing more. Your request for an extension of the Do Not Contact order or a civilian Restraining Order have both been denied since everything has been dismissed and its now as if none of the investigation or incident ever occurred."

It happened. With an ignored phone call and a voice mail I was reminded of the cruelty and unfairness of life. Regardless of what we do or don't do, life happens. It always happens.

The last couple of years have been full of ups and downs when it comes to how I've dealt with and coped with being raped and subsequently having my rapist exonerated twice. There have been days where I felt strong and brave and as if I could see him on the street and be okay. There have been days where I felt like curling up in a ball and crying until my eyes were swollen and my head ached. I've lost count of how many days I have done just that.

Yesterday I was at work when it happened. Life. I was surrounded by a few coworkers and nine 3 year-olds singing fun songs when my phone began to buzz. Normally, I don't have my phone in my pocket while at work but we had just returned from a field trip and I had taken it with me to take pictures of all the kids. I took it out of my pocket to hit ignore but my heart stopped when I saw the phone number. When I got my iPhone, I never transferred numbers over so even though it didn't have the AF Captain's name on the caller I.D. I knew it was him. I'll always know who it is when a 501 area code is flashing on my phone screen. I jumped up and mumbled that I had to take the phone call. I ducked into a small room/closet at the back of our classroom and with shaking hands answered my phone.

In that instant it happened. Life. I heard the familiar voice of the Captain and could tell what he was going to say wasn't going to be good news. About ten minutes later I hung up the phone while furiously wiping my eyes and hoping none of the kids would see me crying. I stepped out and ran to the bathroom where I kept telling myself that no matter what, I had to pull it together and push it all aside. Life.

Here I am 3 years later and because of a phone call I got yesterday I feel just as raw and bruised and angry and terrified and embarrassed as I was the night I was raped.

Raping me wasn't enough.

Choking and suffocating me until blood vessels burst in my eyes and I nearly passed out wasn't enough.

Raping me again wasn't enough.

Slamming my head into a concrete wall wasn't enough.

Bruising, restraining, and hitting me weren't enough.

Slandering and humiliating me weren't enough.

Making sure I felt like I wasn't worth anything wasn't enough.

Getting to walk away free, twice, with no consequences and as if he didn't nearly kill me wasn't enough.

This person who took something away from me with no repercussions now has FIVE different attorneys assembling against me and looking for me so they can serve me with papers to let me know he is now suing me for defamation.

The Captain was calling me to let me know. Even though he was legally not supposed to contact me again after everything was dismissed, he did. And just like that, with a phone call this Air Force Captain reminded me that it happens.

Life.

No matter how many times we have been knocked down or disappointed, it happens. In spite of how we choose to deal with the past, it happens. Regardless of how good we are doing in our lives and how happy we are feeling, it happens. There is never any slowing it down or stopping it in its tracks.

Life.

It always happens.

George Strait Said It Best... Just Give It Away

Lovelies!! 
I'm here with ANOTHER fabulous giveaway!!!

I know, I know, I'm amazing. 

A while back I was contacted by a lovely lady by the name of Kate. As I read her email, I got more and more excited about what she was saying.

Do you want to know what its all about?!

Okay, I'll tell you. 
In a minute. 

First, let me ask all of you Milie Lovelies who have been through a deployment with their loverface a question. 

How many times while you were separated by duty, oceans, and several thousand miles did you wish you could just see their face and hear their voice?  

How many times?  

If you're anything like me, you couldn't even fathom a guess because that innate desire and need to feel connected for even just a second never really leaves. Its ALWAYS there.

Well, I have something incredible to share with you all. 

SuperTintin, the company who contacted me, has partnered with Skype which has resulted in the most incredible collaboration ever. In the next few weeks or so, they together will be offering 100 Skype Recording Licenses to very lucky, deserving lovebirds and Milie families!

Yes, Skype Recording Licenses. Its EXACTLY what it sounds like.

Here are a few words from Kate explaining about this fantastic company and product.

"SuperTintin is also a huge supporter of our military families and would like to show their support by hosting a fun campaign for military families just in time for Valentine's Day. To that end, SuperTintin is donating 100 licenses to its Skype recording software so that deployed/stationed servicemen and women can connect with their families at home and the at-home family can record the conversation (and all following conversations) to play back or share with other family and friends as much as they'd like."

Did you get that Lovelies?! A way to record your loved ones face and voice so that you ALWAYS have the option to see them and hear them no matter how far away they are or how long its been since you've been able to make contact with one another.

What a blessing!! 

It gets better dolls, much better. 

Not only are 100 of these Skype Recording Licenses going to be gracing Milie families but I get to give away 5 of them myself!

SEVEN!!  

So now for the details. There will be 7 winners of this giveaway just on my page alone but I will also be able to share with you the other military sites and bloggers that will be hosting giveaways of their own!

You will have SO many opportunities to enter and hopefully win one for yourself!  

A quick note: The Skype Recording Software is NOT compatible with any Mac/Apple products. Yet. So really, unless you have a PC, its not really good to enter because it takes away the chance of someone who has a way to use this awesome software.  

This giveaway will remain open until February 12 at midnight PST and the winners will be chosen and contacted by email immediately. I will then provide Kate from SuperTintin with your email address and she will get you all of your license information just in time for Valentine's Day!! 

Now that the basics and information about this giveaway have been covered, I'll dive right into your many MANY ways to enter. 

1. Leave a comment stating you would like to win, have a PC, whether a loved one is currently TDY, deployed, stationed overseas, or scheduled to leave soon and your email address. 

That is all required for ONE entry. 

2. Follow SuperTintin on TWITTER and leave me your @handle so I can verify.  

3. Become friends with SuperTintin on FACEBOOK and comment with a URL for verification. 

4. Blog about this giveaway and include a link to this post on my blog and at least one link to either SuperTintin's TWITTER, FACEBOOK, OR WEBSITE. Leave a comment with a URL to verify. 

5. Follow my blog and leave a comment.

6. Like the official FACEBOOK page for this blog and leave a comment.

7. Visit MilitaryBlogs.com and give this blog a +Boost. Leave a comment saying you did so and it can be done ONCE A DAY. Each time you +Boost and leave me a comment will count as an entry. I will also be verifying this. 

So Lovelies, there is one MANDATORY entry and at the minimum, 6 extra entries if you only do a +Boost once. That's a lot of chances to win!!   

If you enter on other blogs and are chosen as a winner and then chosen as a winner on my blog as well, I will choose a new one in your stead. 

So get to entering and sharing this fabulous news!!!  

A giant thank you to SuperTintin and good luck to all you Lovelies!!

Other bloggers also participating in hosting their own SuperTintin giveaways:

Julie & Martin  

The Glamorous Life of an Army Wife

Troop Petrie

Army Wife 101
Nuts In A Nutshell

Amy's Avenue
Skipper Clan
Dandelions & Daffodils
The Crow Family
A Touch of Class
Like Sunshine After Rain
Sabers, Spurs & A Pink Stetson

Please note that although I did receive a free recording license from SuperTintin in exchange for posting about their site, all opinions and words are my own. 

Ours

I love Taylor Swift.
She's adorable.
She speaks her mind.
She doesn't care what anyone thinks.
She loves wildly and without regret.

I just watched her newest music video for her song 'Ours' and had to share it. It was a hidden track on a bonus disc in a deluxe set of one of her albums. All of her fans who discovered it, loved the song, requested the heck out of it, and clamored for a music video.

So she listened. 

I love what she said in response to how it all unfolded.

'I love my fans because they let the best song win.'

The best song wins indeed. I thought it was endearing and charming and SO honest. My heavens I had flashbacks from all of the horrible jobs where I had to sit in a cubicle and just counted the seconds until the end of the day. Then I saw the last 15 seconds and started bawling.

Thank you Taylor.
Its once again, an honest and spot on portrayal of real life.
Maybe not everyone's real life but mine and a whole lot of people I know.

Now watch it Lovelies.

Because of Veterans: The Thing That Means The Most

Here I am, another military spouse, writing another post about Veteran's Day on my little old blog. There are a million things I could say, a couple dozen videos I could post, and quotes coming out the wazoo that I could share with you. Instead, I'll keep it fairly simple.

This Veteran's Day, I am even more grateful than usual that my very own veteran husband is home safe and sound on American soil.

No one can really, truly understand the sacrifices of veterans, except for them. I try my best as a wife to do what I can do, and that is show my gratitude. Honestly, that is the best thing in the world ANYONE can do.

No matter what your political affiliations and regardless of what your views on this decade long war are, the truth remains the same. You are here in America, able to align with the political party of your choice, maintain your points of view on issues, and support whatever and whomever you'd like, BECAUSE of veterans. You are able to sit at home, drive your car, read what you'd like, and watch what you'd like, BECAUSE of veterans. You are able to pierce and tattoo your body, cut and color your hair, and wear whatever clothes you choose, BECAUSE of veterans. You are able to protest on behalf of whichever cause you'd like and yell, kick, and scream to get people's attention for whatever reason, BECAUSE of veterans.

Veterans serve this country faithfully, unfailingly, and without complaint. They CHOOSE to serve because they know it has to be done and they step up. Veterans make everything we have, everything we do, and everything about this country POSSIBLE.

Its Veteran's Day so for this one day, why don't we do what we can do, and give them the thing that means most?

Our gratitude and thanks. 

Regardless of their age, when they served, or how long they served, they sacrificed for you, me, and millions of others they don't know. Many of these selfless individuals paid for our freedom with their lives. 

So say thank you. And trust me when k say that it means more than we can imagine.

"We often take for granted the very things that most deserve our gratitude." ---Cynthia Ozick

Stockings for Soldiers

Hey there Lovelies!

Remember when Mr. Superman was deployed last Christmas and I decided I wanted to get together 50 full size Christmas stockings chock full of goodies for his unit to send down range?

With the help of Mr. Superman's family, donations of money, cards, and goodies from all over, and a night full of assembly line genius, I was able to do that.

We ended up being able to send 100 stockings instead for the other 50 guys deployed from our home base here in Georgia. It was so awesome to hear about how excited everyone was when they got there and being able to see the pictures Mr. Superman sent me was so neat.

 (I also sent them a Christmas tree they could have up in the tent of the main camp.)

Well, this year Mr. Superman isn't deployed but I have gone back and forth on whether or not I wanted to do something similar. When it came down to it, we just don't have the money or time this year to organize it.

My friend Danyelle did end up messaging me though, seeing if I had any contacts I could pass along to her, because SHE is putting together a big drive to send stockings over to whomever she can.

This is where you come in.  
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE let me know of anyone you may know who is deployed this year. Even better, if its your own loverfaces unit, tell me and I will be able to pass that all along and there will be stockings galore! She needs email addresses so go ahead and either leave me a comment or shoot me an email with your or your service member's email address and I will get Danyelle in touch with the right people.

I know before Mr. Superman deployed I would give fleeting thoughts to people deployed over the holidays but never did anything to make it a little better and brighter for our military. Now though, it just warms my heart to know there will awesome people making sure that our incredible service men and women will be getting a little bit of Christmas and joy thrown their way.

It would be awesome if you could share this post on your own blogs and Facebook and expand the search. I would appreciate it mucho mucho!

If you have the contact information for FRG Leaders or Key Spouses on bases where units are deployed be sure to send those my way too!

Thanks Lovelies!

Homecoming..... 4 1/2 months late

We all know how incredible deployment homecomings are.

Prepping the house, deep cleaning, and grocery shopping are ALL incredibly tiring and stressful. Getting your hair done, manicures, pedicures, spray tans, waxes.... the work up of damage control that deployment has taken on your body is incredibly expensive. The sleepless nights and weeks due to nerves and waiting to get that quickie 2 minute phone call saying they are FINALLY out of Afghanistan are incredibly exhausting. Constantly calling the deployment update hotline and praying the dates and times haven't been pushed back but then hearing that they have been for the 6th time is incredibly disheartening. Waiting up all night, counting the hours of each flight as they make their way from Afghanistan to Germany to Maine to finally hearing the last flight is bringing them home... is incredibly exciting/nerve wracking/emotional.

We all cope with those last several weeks in different ways. Since this was our very first deployment and I was no longer back in Arizona, in my family's very civilian world, I was sort of at a loss of how everything would unfold here in Georgia alone. When I moved back here in February to go house hunting and settle back in, I met a wonderful beautiful Milie named Sammy. She is seriously the best and the reason I didn't go absolutely crazy. 

Her husband is a maintainer like Mr. Superman although he is AMXS while Mr. Superman is EMS and those two jobs are "rivals/enemies/nemesis". Through a weird series of events, we found out that not only did our husbands attend and graduate from BMT at the same time, they were Brother Flights! They then were at Tech School at the same time and both got stationed here at Moody. Her husband was coming home the same day as my loverface so we ended up spending the last 3 weeks waiting for them to get home, helping each other unpack, clean, decorate, and stay sane through the long nights.

The long awaited day came and we stayed up all night and watched movie after movie, screaming with excitement each time our phones rang, hung up my homecoming banner (I swallowed a nail while hanging up the banner. We're going to leave it at that. No really, leave it), and then primped and curled more than either of us had in 7 months. 0530 rolled around and we headed off to base.

We waited and we waited and we WAITED. Then we waited some more. Of course the wrapping up of a deployment wouldn't be complete without a few uh.... upsets?

After a couple hours, we got word they were finally opening the hangar. Then we heard the plane was there. Then they told us it was going to be a while. The plane had to circle above the flightline for almost an hour waiting for clearance to land even though the flight had been scheduled FOREVER. Ridiculous.

 

We then finally got word that the plane was landing. We all jumped up clapping, laughing, crying and then had to wait for the plane to taxi to the other end of base for them all to get on the bus.

We waited and we waited and we WAITED. Then we waited some more.

We finally got word that the stair truck, you know the truck with the stairs that makes it possible for them to GET OFF THE PLANE was broken. Broken. Lamesauce. I casually threw out the idea to the commander that they just inflate the emergency exit slide but it was a no-go. Not because she didn't agree but because the plane was still half full of soldier's heading to their very own homecoming's at Fort Hood. Guess what we did then?

We waited and we waited and we WAITED. Then we waited some more.

 

 

Eventually, we saw two white buses coming across the flightline. We all scrambled up crying and our heads our going back and forth between the two white buses because we had no idea which bus each of our respective loved ones happened to be on. The flood of camo began and it was a free for all. Sammy saw her husband and TOOK OFF running and about 5 seconds later, I saw Mr. Superman.

My incredible, brave, strong, handsome, loving husband was FINALLY safe! I was pretty much all up on him like white on rice and between my long hair and my great tan, he didn't recognize me for a minute.

"I totally didn't recognize you. You're so tan!" Nice right? 

Afterwards, it took a bit for it to sink in that he was at his home base, on US soil, and able to finally leave at will. I kept telling him to get his bags so we could leave and he looked confused and was like, "I can leave? Are you sure?" I assured him he could in fact leave. We said our "Goodbyes", "Welcome Home's", and gave hugs to a few people and I brought my man to our new house!

Yes, we all know deployment homecoming's are incredible and despite all the date changes, disappointments, stresses, expenses, sleepless nights, and Murphy's best attempts at throwing us Milie's off our game's, the incredible's I remember aren't the negative one's.

Incredibly rewarding.
Incredibly strength building.
Incredibly revealing.
Incredibly butterfly inducing.

in·cred·i·ble

1: too extraordinary and improbable to be believed

2: amazing, extraordinary

  

And you know what Lovelies? Its all so fitting, these incredible things that accompanied the celebration of my husband returning home safe and sound because he is the most incredible human being I know. I'm so lucky to have him to love. 

MilGirl Status With Semper Gumby... The Return of Sunshine!

Lovelies! Here we are again with another fabulous line up of guest bloggers to entertain you all while I am busy cleaning our new house from top to bottom, grocery shopping, and all of the ever-important mani/pedi, spray tan, waxing, and hair appointments in preparation for the big HOMECOMING!! I am so glad I have all of these wonderful Lovelies stepping in for me so I can focus on the important things not to mention so I can be sure to take breathers in between my anxiety attacks. So please be sure to show all of my wonderful Lovelies lots of love because they deserve it. I'm so happy to have Reina here tody. She's a dear friend. When we talked about what she wanted to write about, I was stoked because it hits home with me. Before Mr. Superman deployed I had felt very targeted on several occasion from other MilGirl's. I was told we had it so easy and didn't understand military life because we had never gone through a deployment. So thank you Reina for writing about this!!

MilGirl Status

You're a Miliie/MilGirl, you're proud of your guy for serving our country! Damn right you are! Have you wondered, though, that there are "types" of MilGirls out there.  Even if you don't necessarily think this way, there might be others around you, in your real world or in your bloggy world.  This isn't true of ALL MilGirls; I'm just identifying something that I've observed, a vibe that I've felt...

I've found that other MilGirls judge you based on whether or not your guy's been deployed. They judge you if YOU haven't survived a deployment with him.  They judge you that you're "only dating" a sailor. They judge you because you're a Coast Guard wife, the "other" military service. 

I am attending program for Social Work in hopes that someday, I can become a civilian military social worker.  I started an organization devoted to students at the school to be able to learn about military specific issues as related to social workers in the field.  I am clearly committed and passionate about the topic of serving military service members and military families. I'm also waiting to marry my Marine.

Unfortunately, from the early days of my relationship with Dave, I have struggled with the judgmental, condescending messages from other MilGirls.  No, he's never deployed to Iraq or Afghanistan.  He has deployed on other missions.  He has served his country honorably and he intends to do so again as an officer.  He has volunteered himself when volunteers were needed for relief missions such as Haiti.  Sometimes, you just don't get picked.

The thing is, though, that it's not about the Marine, or the Soldier, or the Sailor, or the Airman. It's about the larger mission. It's about America and the World. They play a vital part in the functioning of the machine so that those who are on the front lines can do their job. They are also the ones holding down the fort in other lonelier parts of the world.  So, to say that you haven't served as a service member or a family of that service member for their DAILY SACRIFICES, is ignorant and tragic.

Perhaps it's an insecurity on these MilGirls' parts that they feel superior to anybody whose man hasn't been deployed. Or, maybe they feel like they need to strut because they don't have anything else going for them but their service member that they're proud of (which is not to say that that's not something to be proud of...).  If you want to compare the effects of deployment vs. non-deployment, clearly, there are some significant levels of trauma that need to be accounted for; however, there are also significant changes in lifestyle that can also result in severe mood disorders that are manifested in the service member or the family. You're comparing apples to grapefruits, really. They're both fruit.

I think it's completely and utterly unnecessary to compare.  It's one thing to talk about your experiences through deployment or sharing stories, but those people who are being judged sure as heck don't feel like you are better than them.  Because, we're all Team America. We buy into all of it and in the end, we are on the same side. We cheer for our guys and gals. It doesn't matter what your service member is doing to serve his country, he's serving just the same.  We are all proud.

Deployment Clock With Goodnight Moon

Lovelies! Here we are again with another fabulous line up of guest bloggers to entertain you all while I am busy cleaning our new house from top to bottom, grocery shopping, and all of the ever-important mani/pedi, spray tan, waxing, and hair appointments in preparation for the big HOMECOMING!! I am so glad I have all of these wonderful Lovelies stepping in for me so I can focus on the important things not to mention so I can be sure to take breathers in between my anxiety attacks. So please be sure to show all of my wonderful Lovelies lots of love because they deserve it. Today I have Amber from Goodnight Moon. I love this woman. She is so honest and says what most people are too scared to. She's hilarious and has four of the most delicious chickens she calls her own.

You know the dreaded “D” word….D.E.P.L.O.Y.M.E.N.T.

It just glooms over your head like a storm cloud, where most days it actually thunder storms down on
you but on some days you might have a rainbow peeking out. Those rainbow days are awesome and
you hold onto those days as long as possible because you know that before long, another storm cloud is going to be lurking over your head.

While you’re going through your deployment, it seems like the days are never ending and the hours go
by so slowly during the day. Once you “x” off your days and are finally at the end of a month, you flip the calendar over only see another slew of days you have to get past. It is exhausting.

But have you noticed that when you are going through your deployment, the days/weeks/months just
lag on and on and on? But when you’re “SO” is home, and somebody else you know is going through
their deployment, it seems like their time went by super fast? It’s like “wow, your deployment went by
so fast, didn’t it feel that way to you”? The answer is always no! No, my deployment didn’t go by fast, it lagged and it sucked the life out of me from time to time.

But once you’re “SO” is finally home with you, safe in your arms, you realize that it seems as though no time has passed at all. All those months of being without one another, only seems like a mere memory. As if no time has passed at all.

So even though it may seem as if someone else’s deployment is going by fast for YOU, it never is for the person who is going through it themselves.

Reintegration With Wife on the Roller Coaster

Lovelies! Here we are again with another fabulous line up of guest bloggers to entertain you all while I am busy cleaning our new house from top to bottom, grocery shopping, and all of the ever-important mani/pedi, spray tan, waxing, and hair appointments in preparation for the big HOMECOMING!! I am so glad I have all of these wonderful Lovelies stepping in for me so I can focus on the important things not to mention so I can be sure to take breathers in between my anxiety attacks. So please be sure to show all of my wonderful Lovelies lots of love because they deserve it. Today we have celebrity status Wife from Riding the Roller Coaster. If you haven't heard of her and you are in the Milie world, I consider you crazy or living under an internet rock. She is one of my favorite bloggers of all time, a phenomenal writer, and a great friend.

Thank you so much Mrs. S for having me as a guest again!

Reintegrating Roller Coaster Style

We all know that sending our husbands off on a deployment is a huge adjustment. And most of us have learned that homecomings also involve a unique set of adaptations. Well it seems I have a knack for making those reintegration readjustments even more complicated by throwing my own personal life changes into the mix.

When my husband returned from his first deployment, my visions of romantic first kisses, cheek-numbing smiles, joy-filled tears, rib-breaking hugs, and repeated I love you’s all came true. As we cuddled in bed together that first night, I truly believed that everything would magically fall back into place and we’d pick up where we left off 6 months earlier. And I was crushed when that didn’t happen.

I kept telling myself that my husband wasn’t the same person he was when he left, that I didn’t know how to talk to him anymore. But somewhere along the line I realized that I wasn’t the same person either, that maybe he didn’t know how to talk to me. When the deployment started, I was a naïve new mom of a 6-month-old. I had just started my student teaching, only a semester away from graduating with my master’s degree. But by the time the deployment ended, my graduation had come and gone, and I was a stay-at-home mom with little adult interaction or intellectual stimulation. I was still trying
to adjust to my transition from full-time student to full-time Domestic Engineer when I suddenly had to learn how to be a full-time wife again. My life had completely changed since the last time I saw my husband.

Flash forward 6 years later to another deployment. This time around we were older and wiser. We both knew what to anticipate before, during, and after the deployment, and I dialed down my homecoming expectations. But I realized that once again, I was coping with another major transition in my own life that coincided with Mr. Roller Coaster’s reintegration. The first time around I was transitioning from student to full-time mom. This time, I was transitioning from full-time mom to working mom.

In a way, the timing couldn’t have been worse. I mean, this was a major lifestyle change for me, and I was doing it in the midst of reintegration when everyone was trying to figure out life as a family again. How was I supposed to reconnect with my husband when I was going through my own identity crisis? How would he feel returning to a wife who suddenly had a different schedule and different priorities than what he was used to?

But in a way, the timing was perfect. We had to get to know each other again anyway. Why not start the introductions with the new me? And I felt that being honest and opening up to Mr. Roller Coaster about my fears and anxieties toward joining the working world again helped to open up the lines of communication that had grown a little rusty during the deployment. Sometimes all you need is a simple conversation starter, and once the words start flowing, they take on a life of their own.

Readjusting to life after a deployment is always a bit tricky, regardless of whatever else may be going on in your life. Men and women have to learn how to be man and wife again after months of living apart. But with a little bit of time, a little bit of patience, and whole lot of humor, normal life does resume. And in the meantime, you get to fall in love with each other all over again.

Now I wonder what my next major life change will for the next deployment. Maybe best-selling author? (Hey a girl can dream right?)

Surviving Deployment on an Island With G.I. Joe's Wife

Lovelies! Here we are again with another fabulous line up of guest bloggers to entertain you all while I am busy cleaning our new house from top to bottom, grocery shopping, and all of the ever-important mani/pedi, spray tan, waxing, and hair appointments in preparation for the big HOMECOMING!! I am so glad I have all of these wonderful Lovelies stepping in for me so I can focus on the important things not to mention so I can be sure to take breathers in between my anxiety attacks. So please be sure to show all of my wonderful Lovelies lots of love because they deserve it. Today I have the beautiful Sarah from G.I. Joe's Wife. She and I have a lot in common and I just adore her. Her middle name happens to be my first name, she was born in England, and she lives in Hawaii. She's the bomb diggity so show her some lovin'.

Surviving Deployment on an Island

Just after we arrived in Hawaii last year, we were informed that my husband’s unit was deploying in a few months. Even though we’d heard rumors, the news was still shocking. How can it not be? What hurt me most was that the Army was taking him again. We’d been separated through BCT and most of AIT (which he’d just finished) and yet they were making him deploy for 12 months already...

When he left, I knew a total of 3 people on this island. Two were wives from Joe’s company. One of the company wives is a woman I’ve referred to on my blog as Annoying Wife. After a week I realized that her negativity was influencing me and I stopped responding to her 9 bazillion FB messages and texts. The other I just didn’t know how to contact. So, that left me with one friend on this island - Mrs. C.

Lucky for me, we’d met via email and phone calls before Joe and I even moved to Hawaii. Her hubby (also named Joe) was nice enough to help us out with some issues we were having before we PCSed. Once we got here, they picked us up and showed us around a bit. After my hubby deployed, Mrs. C helped me quite a bit. She came over and helped me make my house look like a home. We unpacked, through things away, hung up pictures and even locked ourselves out of the house. =) She watched me freak out when my Papa was put in the hospital and I didn’t have Joe here to lean on. She’s quite a friend, that one.

My bestie, Melissa, came to visit for my birthday during July. I don’t think I would have survived that week without her. She kept me really busy and having someone else in the house was very comforting. After she left, I suddenly had nothing to do. I had tons of time on my hands and too many thoughts in my head. As many of you Millies know, this is not a good thing!! At that point, I still didn’t have any kind of talking routine with Joe and I was still pretty concerned about Papa.

Before Joe had left, I decided that I’d volunteer on post. The job market here isn’t the greatest and, honestly, I wasn’t really sure I wanted to teach here. Plus, I’d heard they were already downsizing. No point in trying, really. Around the middle of July, I went to ACS. I wanted to help out there, but they were full. I was given a list of places that accepted volunteers. As I looked through it, I realized that there was a museum on post!

In an attempt to stay busy, I did several things: I decided I’d take on volunteering at the museum 3 days a week for 3 hours. It’s not much, but it breaks up the week and gives me something to look forward to. I also joined the spouses’ club on post, thanks to Chantal. Through her, I also met several
other spouses who have become my closest friends here. We don’t spend just a whole lot of time together, but it’s nice to have other people to talk to about deployment... Their husbands are “over there” with mine, just not in the same unit. I wound up becoming the company FRG’s co-leader as well. It wasn’t something I was thrilled about taking on, but it hasn’t been too bad yet. =)

As much as I try to keep myself busy, it’s still very hard being here alone. I have friends, I have “work,” and I have things to do around the house. It’s never the same though. My house is always empty except for the rare occasion when someone graces it with their presence.

The absolute hardest thing about being here is the lack of contact with friends and family back home. Hawaii is in a terrible time zone. Currently, I am 6 hours behind the east coast and 5 behind CT, where our families and friends live. Half a day. When I usually want to call someone, it’s already 8, 9, 10 at night their time. It makes communication really difficult. Plus, there’s the “out of sight out of mind” thing that happens when you don’t live in the circle. This is going to sound bitter, but it’s the truth. I’m often the last person in the family to know anything that’s going on. On my side, it’s because I’m just not there. On Joe’s it’s either because 1) I’m not there or 2) they’ve mentioned it to Joe and he either forgot or hadn’t talked to me in days. It’s hard to take when you’re used to being in the middle of everything.

I often feel very secluded here. In fact, I’m technically stuck on this island. I can’t go for a 3 hour drive and wind up in another state. I can’t pick up and go visit anyone without it costing $1000. Vice versa if someone needed to get to me. I think I would probably feel different about this place if I’d been able to
experience it with my other half. For the most part, I feel trapped and alone. Even if that isn’t the complete truth.

Despite the crapiness of the situation, I feel like I’m pretty well adjusted. I got out on my own and made friends. I started volunteering. I found a church home for us. I turned these white walls into something a little more colorful. I’ve learned my way around, for the most part. Deployment is an odd thing in itself, and it’s different for all of us.

At the end of the 4 to12 month deployments, all milspouses are the same: We just want our husbands safe in our arms, where they belong.

TTC With The Annoyed Army Wife

Lovelies! Here we are again with another fabulous line up of guest bloggers to entertain you all while I am busy cleaning our new house from top to bottom, grocery shopping, and all of the ever-important mani/pedi, spray tan, waxing, and hair appointments in preparation for the big HOMECOMING!! I am so glad I have all of these wonderful Lovelies stepping in for me so I can focus on the important things not to mention so I can be sure to take breathers in between my anxiety attacks. So please be sure to show all of my wonderful Lovelies lots of love because they deserve it. Today I have the incredibly charming Annoyed Army Wife. She cracks me up and I love her sarcastic, blunt, snarky posts because she's just like me. Michelle just welcomed her own hubby so a big fatty congrats to her too!

I’ve been following Mrs. S. for quite awhile now, I’ve checked out her pages, which I highly recommend you do.  One of the first posts I read by Mrs. S. was a guest post she did on Flip Flops & Combat Boots.  I cried.  I didn’t comment because I was such a newbie blogger at the time, but I sat down and cried for a woman I didn’t even know.  I started following Mrs. S's blog that day.  I highly recommend you read By November if you haven’t yet. 

Some of you may know me as the annoyed army wife.  If all goes well I should be reuniting with my deployed husband, OccDoc, right about now.  He’s been deployed in Afghanistan working as a battalion surgeon for about 7 months now.  I had the great pleasure of meeting Mrs. S. in real life, and we totally bonded over some fabulous cupcakes.  Mrs. S. wanted me to write something funny and sarcastic about infertility; I kind of missed the mark, but I hope you enjoy my rant, nonetheless.

OccDoc and I have been trying really, really hard to get pregnant for awhile now.  We aren’t one of those couples who are just not not trying, we are actively trying.  We hit our one year TTC (Trying to Conceive) anniversary 4 days before he deployed.  I was hoping for a miracle and a BFP (big fat positive) after he left, but Aunt Flo arrived and my hopes were dashed.  Cue massive amounts of wine drinking and mounds of soggy Kleenexes.  We’ve been on a seven month ‘break’ from TTC, um, considering we’re on separate continents.  We’re planning to just ‘relax’ for about 3 months once he’s back, then we’ll head off to the doctor for some fertility/infertility workups. 

Shortly after we got married (the second time) we told our family and friends we were waiting until OccDoc was out of the Army to have a family, he’s so not a lifer.  After crunching some numbers and realizing we weren’t getting any younger (who knew?) we decided to start actively trying after I graduated from massage school.  Girls at my school were getting knocked up right and left, so I assumed we’d have no problem.  Yeah, you know what happens when you assume.

Here we are 18 months later and our stupid home office is still just a stupid home office instead of a nursery.  Hopefully by the time this post goes live I will have reunited with OccDoc and we’ll be busy gettin’ busy, if you know what I mean.  Ha ha!  Of course TTC always makes hearing the news that a friend, a family member, another blogger, or some random drug addict on the street is pregnant pretty hard to take.  I want to be happy for them, and I genuinely am happy for them, but at the same time I wonder why they got to be so lucky and I’m just getting screwed (pun intended).  I read on a blog one time that I shouldn’t be upset when I hear the “So and So’s Pregnant!” news because that ‘pregnant woman didn’t take the last baby off the shelf,’ but it still stings. Even though I smile and say ‘Congrats’ I’m crying on the inside. 

One of the hidden treasures of this deployment is that people have finally stopped asking if OccDoc and I are trying to have a baby.  Could you please twist the knife a bit more with your questions?  Do you know how much that questions rips through the heart and soul of someone TTC?  Do you know how much someone TTC wants to bitchslap you when you tell them to ‘relax’?  I’m a massage therapist who meditates twice a day and gets weekly massage for crap’s sake, you can’t get much more relaxed than that.  So, Eff Off and YOU go relax.  I hope you all have a lovely day, and I thank Mrs. S. for hosting me today, now I’ve gotta run and see if I’m ovulating…

Homecoming Jitters With ACE

Lovelies! Here we are again with another fabulous line up of guest bloggers to entertain you all while I am busy cleaning our new house from top to bottom, grocery shopping, and all of the ever-important mani/pedi, spray tan, waxing, and hair appointments in preparation for the big HOMECOMING!! I am so glad I have all of these wonderful Lovelies stepping in for me so I can focus on the important things not to mention so I can be sure to take breathers in between my anxiety attacks. So please be sure to show all of my wonderful Lovelies lots of love because they deserve it. I am so happy today's blogger is here once again. I love this girl! She is one of the very first people who I started reading and who started following me. Its the gorgeous ACE from The Flightline Life. Yay! She's been through quite a few deployments and homecomings with her husband in the last couple years so what better person to host while I'm preparing for my first right? Thanks ACE!


You can’t eat, can’t sleep, you have to pee every five minutes, can’t sit still, and are constantly cursing the clock for not ticking fast enough. What’s got your nerves in a bunch? Homecoming! It’s finally that time. Months ago you thought it would take forever to see him again. Touch him, smell him, wrap your arms around him. About a month ago you were probably mad at the world. You were so close to the end and now time was dragging. Now you’re moments away. Just moments and time seems to have frozen as if to make your suffering worse.

I feel the same way every time on homecoming day/night. It doesn’t matter how long he’s been gone for, how many we’ve been through, I always feel the same. Anxious and like I am going to puke or piss myself out of sheer excitement.

Our first deployment we were “engaged” and I couldn’t pick him up. Why? It was my senior sendoff ceremony for my sorority. I had my arm in a brace because I had just found out I have carpal tunnel. I sat at our state wide celebration knowing I was 15 minutes away from my apartment where he was and wanting to die on the inside. I stayed as long as I could handle it and jetted off campus and probably broke a ton of driving laws. I remember hitting every light and nearly crying from excitement. Would he still think I was beautiful? Would he want to kiss me? Will I still feel the same when I see him? Does he look any different? What if he thinks my outfit is stupid? All these immature thoughts crossed my mind. We’d been apart for 4.5 months and only together for 8. What if it wasn’t the same?

The moment that door opened and he wrapped his arms around me, all my insecurities, worries vanished. I felt whole again. Complete. It was the most amazing feeling in my life.

I remember all three of my homecomings vividly. But I only have pictures of my last. This past one, I remember laughing so much because I was nervous and being insanely loud on the flight line. The plane had landed and was taking forever to unload. We waited, waited, and waited for what seemed like hours but was probably only 30 minutes or so. I wanted to just run out there to the huge plane, but I knew that was not a good idea. I felt as though the group of them were walking so slowly towards us.

 
There they were! So close, but still too far for me to run. Then I saw him break away from the group and move towards me and I ran. 

 
I remember he lifted me off the ground and carried me back to where I was allowed to be. I remember sobbing, sobbing so hard and telling him “Don’t let go yet” He was laughing his amazing laugh.

 
Finally he set me down and I could let go of him. I couldn’t believe it. Each time I feel as though it can’t get any better but it does. Each time is just like the last. Amazing. All my worries about what it will be like fades away.

I know Mrs. S. would like some advice, and instead of giving the advice of “don’t plan anything, take it one day at a time, etc” (because I know you’ve read all that already and probably numerous times over), I want you to let the world fade away to where it is just you and him. The two of you. Let the noise disappear, the people fade, and just be with him. Hold him as long as you need to. Kiss him as long as you want, grab onto those ABUs and don’t let go if you don’t want to. Because eventually you have to come back to reality and nothing, ever compares to those first few moments when you are back in the love of your life’s arms again. Nothing.

 
Happy Homecoming Beautiful!

Not Out of The Woods.... Yet With We See The Same Stars

Lovelies! Here we are again with another fabulous line up of guest bloggers to entertain you all while I am busy cleaning our new house from top to bottom, grocery shopping, and all of the ever-important mani/pedi, spray tan, waxing, and hair appointments in preparation for the big HOMECOMING!! I am so glad I have all of these wonderful Lovelies stepping in for me so I can focus on the important things not to mention so I can be sure to take breathers in between my anxiety attacks. So please be sure to show all of my wonderful Lovelies lots of love because they deserve it. Today I have the beautiful Carmen from We See The Same Stars. She is such a good friend and I am truly blessed to have her in my life and on the blog sharing her wisdom. Thanks doll!

First, I want to thank Mrs. S. for letting me guest post (once again) while she is off anxiously awaiting her homecoming! I'm so proud of you girl, you did it!

Lately on a lot of my guest blogs I have been talking about EAS (can you tell it's been on my mind lately?) However, Mrs. S. asked me personally to write about my most recent experience with the military.

Here is some background info, my husband's EAS (end of active service) is coming up in May and so when I rung in 2011, I was certain the Marine Corps couldn't possibly do anything or mess anything up right? Oh Carmen, you should have known better than that.

I had gone to pick up my mama from work with my brother and one of her friends needed a ride home so naturally, I obliged. We were on the high way driving to her friends house after I dropped my brother off at the bar. My husband called me and I immediately told him I would call him when I got home (thinking he just wanted to chat) but no less than 5 minutes later I receive a text from him saying:

"We need to talk, it is extremely important."

That could have meant a multitude of things, but it wasn't just "anything" compared to what I was about to hear. So I dropped her friend off and waited until it was just me and my mama so then I called him. He said he had bad news (at this point, I'm thinking someone died) and he told me that hew as being sent to Afghanistan due to an emergency in his unit. My heart stopped and dropped into my butt while my stomach rose up into my chest and throat. I felt like throwing up, crying, punching the wall, and just all other mixes of emotions. I immediately started tearing up but didn't want to break down and cry while still driving. 

As soon as I got home I told the news to my family. My mama thought I was joking and my sister's jaw dropped to the floor. They were in as much disbelief as I was. I didn't want any support at the time but I called my best friend and my husband as I cried my heart out to them. Then when I finally emerged and saw my family, they embraced me and I bawled my eyes out int their arms. I'm lucky to have them in my life. :)

My husband left the next morning and I just felt so empty inside (yes, he was given less than 24 hour notice). Nothing can compare to that feeling. He called me when he got there and was probably going to stay throughout the rest of his enlistment (which was still 3 months then).

"NOOOOOOO!!!!! I had a surprise trip planned to visit you next month! Come home sooner!! I need to see you!!"

He just laughed and told me how cute I was for wanting to surprise him. He said he would do his best to get home before I got there. I was super paranoid he would not make it home in time. He came home 10 days later and I will be seeing him this coming Saturday :)

It just goes to show that no matter how much experience you have with the military they always manage to keep you on your toes. Not to scare anyone, but an EAS date, I learned, doesn't mean all clear until the date he signs his release. Hopefully we have no more surprises!

El Completo

In case you missed it on Facebook and Twitter, Deployment Number 1 is over! Yayyy! My friend Sammy's hubby came home on the same plane as Mr. Superman and she hired a photog. I saw today she was sweet enough to capture our first kiss too. How sweet! Be sure to go check her out and like her FB page and then go look at the rest of the photos! They are beautiful!

Deployment Brain Fo' Shizzle

Dude. 

We've all heard about 'deployment brain'. 

It makes you forget, you kind of lose track of days and what time it is, things are helter skelter..... but NOBODY told me that I was going to freaking lose my head and almost every personality trait that made me a good house wifey in the course of my husband being gone. 

Why??! 

Why didn't anyone tell me? 

I feel like I am seriously going crazy. 

I wake up and always feel like its two days later than it actually is. 

Countertops are all a jumble of unopened mail, two week old ads, empty Sonic cups, dirty and clean dishes, screws, nails, paint brushes.... 

I feel like I'm in "Invasion of the Body Snatchers" and I can't escape this person I've become over the last two hundred some odd days. 

Its mind boggling.

I start a project and get distracted then I put my phone somewhere then I have to pee then I can't remember where my phone is and I start freaking out then I realize I need food since I can't remember the last time I ate then I sit down to watch tv and I check my email a hundred times before I convince myself its impossible because Mr. Superman doesn't have internet.

I'm losing it. 

Actually, I'm pretty sure I've already lost it.

The other thing about 'deployment brain'... 

THIS

 

Describes me to a tee. 

I sincerely hope Mr. Superman's return marks the glorious and very much welcomed return of my brain.