Stay

Fighting for words, always at a loss.

Musings spoken aloud, but what is the cost?

Is it worth the struggle? Is it worth the pain?

Getting it out in the open, brushing off the shame.

To stand up tall, and shake off the nagging thoughts

“You are going to fail.” and “It will all be for naught.”

I must be strong. I must push on.

I must continue. Move through the night towards the dawn.

It is always darkest, before the light,

But this seems as if this is an eternal night.

Right or wrong, black or white,

I have traded in my blindness for a world full of sight.

I have sacrificed for what is known as the “greater good”

I haven’t always been this way, haven’t always done what I should.

Struggling along, winding down this way,

Has taught me so much, has to taught me to stay.

Stay the course, no matter how hard.

Stay the course, no matter how scarred.

He will protect me. He will lift me up.

He will save me. He has already drank from the cup.

I must be strong. I must continue on.

Stay steady down this long narrow road,

Towards the ever nearer dawn.

I DID IT!!!

Alright so you may have noticed my blog looks a little different. I am soooo proud of myself. This morning I found myself alone with nothing to do. Big surprise right? So I get online and I am just kinda surfin, messin around with stuff and I decide I want to have a 3 column blog. Simple right? I should just be able to click a button and it does it all for me?

WRONG

I found a tutorial on how to covert from a two column template to a three column template and I concentrated and I figured it all out! Without messing anything up or losing anything! Can I get a WOOT WOOT??!!

Cody got home from his meeting with the Sergeant and asked me a question whilst I was in the middle of my blog's conversion and I had to say, "Just a minute, I am in the middle of something vitally important." He understood of course and didn't even jump that high when I let out a, "YEAHHH!! I DID IT!!." His reflexes were even decently fast when I held up my arms in exultation and wanted a double high five.

I feel accomplished.

Something else great happened too! Cody took off a few minutes ago to yet again attempt at getting our replacement tire. Him being the sneaky little booger he is remembered the two guys' names from the first time we went in. Ian was the jerk that refused our tire insurance so Cody simply called in, asked if Ian was in, and upon being told that he was not, he headed out to the tire place. Not ten minutes later, i got a text saying we got our free tire and it only cost $11.00 to renew the insurance instead of $13.00. I know I know big woop right? It is a big woop and it makes our victory all the more sweet.

What to do, think, think, think...

I have been stranded without a car this week. Normally it wouldnt bug me but I need milk. I have needed milk for a few days now. Cody's car contracted a flat tire. No biggie right? His tires are like 8 months old so this was slightly annoying but fixable. When we purchase tires we purchase the replacement certificate. This certificate guarantees a free replacement if anything happens during the life of the tire. I also checked online and on the website for the company it says "no matter the wear on the tire". We go in a few days ago to have it replaced because it was not fixable. The stupid guy tells us Cody's tires are "legally bald" and they won't replace it for free. I argue with him, try not to reach across the counter and grab his neck, and we end up walking out extremely angry. We look at his tires. There is no way that they are even close to being bald. So that is why I have been stranded here. Cody ahs been using my car and that leaves me in our apartment all day. Lately I have been trying to clean and just make sure things are always picked up and such but I can only clean so often. Cody feels bad for me but its not his fault.

I know this post is just a bunch of tangents all strung together and its more of a rant than a post but there you have it. I came across this picture that my friend sent me right after we got married. It made me smile. Its totally me. I guess I will go clean yet again and try to forget about my need for milk.

Oh my beloved Pete's

For those of you who know me you, you know that I am devoted to Pete's Fish and Chips. I hate hate hate fish but their chicken, mmmmmm mmmm mmmmmm. Seriously people thinking like close my eyes, nearly black out, curl my toes good food. And their special sauce is to die for.

I have been sitting here all day literally smelling Pete's. Yes, here in my apartment in UT, 12 hours away from Pete's I have been smelling and craving and nearly driving my self crazy. this hankering will not leave me alone. I searched the web for a recipe even remotely close to their sauce but came up empty handed.

So in my fryer at this very moment I have potatoes and chicken tenders frying. Its the best i can do.

Quick Update

Well after making dozens of phone calls everyday and stressing like crazy all of the paperwork is done. It is a miracle we got everything together as fast as we did especially with all of Cody's medical records being out of state. Sergeant Vanhook actually said we are the fastest he has ever seen someone getting everything taken care of. I just had to laugh. So now Cody's file is just being reviewed and he will be having his physical *hopefully* Friday or Saturday. After that he sits down with someone and goes over all of his job choices and submits those. Then its usually two to three weeks until we hear what job he got and when he ships out for basic. Everything is out of our hands now and its really just a waiting game.

We went through last night and Cody picked his list of jobs. He is excited for the options he has. Cody being the genius he is got the highest score possible on the ASVAP (the test to qualify) so if all goes how it is supposed to he will get one of his top choices.

After we get the date for him to leave, we will start packing here then drive down to AZ to visit people and get me settled. Then my heart will break when I drop him off at the airport for him to get back to UT. He will then leave from UT for Basic.

Basic is 8 1/2 weeks and we will get one call for sure but have letters. At the end of Basic I will go to TX to spend FOUR DAYS WITH HIM!! I then leave again and he then ships out to whatever base his Tech School is at. Tech School is usually 8 more weeks then he is granted leave to come get me and for us to move to whatever base he is then assigned to be stationed at. There is only one job on his list that has a really long term of tech school. In which case I would be able to be with him.

We are bracing ourselves for 4 to 5 months of separation though. *WINCE* We are excited for our future though and the opportunities that are coming our way. Just thought I'd update everyone! Love you all!

Birthday Party Night!!

Well this past weekend was fun and long. We made plans with Cody best bud Andy to go out on Friday night to celebrate his 21st birthday.



Andy brought along a few friends and the night was a blast. We took off around 8:30 and did dinner at a Chili's dowtown'ish. Andy's friend Drew had a friend visiting in town before moving and she made my night so fun. Her name is Ashley and being that it was just us two girls we had fun putting up with the boys all night.



Andy's friends Doug and Tim were there as well which we knew from previous nights out. We had a blast at dinner then ended up all going to this club Allure for some dancing.



After wearing ourselves out we all came back to our house for some good ol' Phase 10 and movies.



Everyone but Doug ended up crashing over here due to the late hour. Saturday morning was fun just hanging out and relaxing. Cody took off about noon to go have lunch with his dad and everyone else took off about an hour later.

I got hit with some pretty nasty flu symptoms but thought I might have just eaten something bad. When Cody got home he was having the same issues so we came to the conclusion that since we both had headaches, fevers, and major stomach/nausea issues that it was just a 24 hour flu. I was the one that could actually move so i dragged myself to Walmart to get him some Sprite. We spent the afternoon trying not to die from misery (insert not a dramatization here) and we succeeded.

My great friend Jill also came by with her fiance Sean for a quick visit. They live up in Ogden and are getting married this Friday!! They came to see the house and get all the finer details of our goings on here in UT. It was so good to see her. She has always been such a great friend. I am soooo excited for her and Sean.



I was barely able to keep down what little food I had in my tummy while they were here and narrowly escaped having to run to the bathroom a few times. Today we are doing somewhat better although we are super shaky and weak and just physically not feeling up to par.



Cody starts maintenance work this week again until time to ship out. We hope all is well with you and are grateful for the congrats, well wishes, and love!

Update & News

Well we have already notified family of this huge decision so the next step is letting our friends and blog stalkers know whats going on. Here goes.

Cody is enlisting in the US Air Force. Now take a breath and relax. This is something that we have been thinking about for nearly two years and have come to the conclusion that this is whats right for our family. This is a decision that is pertaining to us and our lives. This is something that is only directly affecting Cody & I and support is greatly appreciated.

As some of you may know Cody had a scholarship with the Air Force in high school but lost it due to his knees. When we moved to Utah we thought we'd be able to get ahead in finances and finish school and get a great job lined up but things haven't quite gone that well. We both got jobs and after three weeks both got laid off due to whatever reasons. This is something that brought us yet again to the USAF. We deliberated and of course prayed and this is the decision we have come to. He is in the middle of paperwork right now but we are hoping to get released for the next job drop which is the second week of March.

If all goes as planned he would be selected for the next drop and go to Texas for 8 1/2 weeks of Basic Training. After that is completed he is then sent to Tech School to get trained for his new job. If the school is more than 20 weeks (5 months) I would get to go live on the base with him. After Tech School he would then be assigned his station. That is where our new residence would be. Whatever base he gets assigned to he would be working there and doing night school. The cool thing is that Cody will be able to select jobs that would put him closer to his goal of completing a degree in Mechanical Engineering. Also, while in Tech school, he is receiving college credits. He would have at least 25 more credit hours by the time Tech School is completed.

Another great thing is that since Cody has already completed over 45 credit hours (he has over 60) he is already promoted and that gives us a higher pay grade right off the bat even for BT. After he has completed his Bachelor's he will then be able to apply for Officer status and that bumps us up even higher with the salary.

We are so excited at this new opportunity and are completely confident in this decision. Support from my family is strong which is so helpful especially since we'll be separated for so long. Once he is officially enlisted Cody will be driving me down to Arizona to stay with my sister until his Basic Training is completed. I am so excited to be able to be back with my family!

We do realize things will take a little bit longer with this route but this is giving us stability, and in the long run, so much more than we would get from anything else. Yes it'll be tough but we are ready and willing to make sacrifices for the betterment of our future and our family.

Well wishes are welcome. We love you all and hope all is well with you in your lives.

Love,

Cody & Rachelle Steele

(Delegated by Mr. Cody himself)

BIRTHDAY!!!

Hello all! it was that time again. Birthday time that is. Cody turned 21 yesterday and I did my absolute hardest to make it a good day for him. He was lucky enough to be able to sleep in. I then piled his presents onto his lap and as you will see in the pictures, he was still half asleepish.





My parents got him a George Foreman Grill. Dont let the yawn fool you, he is really excited. I got him jelly bellies, a movie, and my mom also got him two shirts he is really excited for as well. Robyn, his mom, got us a new washer. Yae!!!

After presents I made him an amazing breakfast if I do say so myself. After which we just relaxed for most of the day. We did go to his Nana's house later and had a good dinner with his mom and nana and sisters. he also got another gift from his mom and his nana which were so sooo grateful for. He then of course has his customary funfetti cake that had been refrigerated. We then had a great evening just being together.




I love this man so much! He is so absolutely amazing and treats me so well. I am incredibly lucky to be with him.

Brighter Than Sunshine

So the title of this blog is actually a song. A phenomenal song that I have always loved. This blog is actually some of my late night ramblings from a while back and I came across it and realized its the same stuff I am goin through right now. I love writing and have all of my stuff scattered on different web sites and in notebooks and random files on our computer. I have decided as I come across them I will publish them on here as I see fit. Also... Lately I have been thinking and thinking about wanting to somehow put our blog into a hard copy like a journal type thing and I have discovered Blurb!! Its a fantastic site where you can import or export (not sure which would be correct in this context) your blog with pictures and all and create a color hard backed book! I think I will do one yearly. Alright that's it. Here is my rambling portion.


Monday, June 16, 2008

brighter than sunshine
Current mood: forgotten
Category: Life

i'm not really sure where i'm going to go with this but i'm going.

its now 12:38 on monday morning. sunday consisted of me FINALLY going to urgent care. for the last two weeks i've been really fighting a lot of things just attacking my body. diagnosis: advanced bronchitis, sinus infection, ear infection, and weakened lungs. hmmm, got three prescriptions that are supposed to make me better. this is just one more thing on top of a million other things that got me thinking, questioning, reeling... the list could really go on and on but i'm too tired. what did people do way back when there weren't urgent cares and a ton of steroids and medications that we could take 3 times a day and magically get better? why are we as a society, as a world so reliant on.... everything but ourselves? sure we can all strive to be so called independent, self-reliant individuals but when it really comes down to it, we are not.

my friend hayley posted something a couple days ago that really got me pondering my life and my current circumstances. i am 20 years old. i'm married to an amazing man who loves me despite me. i should be the happiest person on earth and yet i am so discontent. i am not discontent with my marriage, i am not discontent with my surroundings or my environment but i am entirely discontent with me. with myself. i also have absolutely no one but to blame but myself.

my husband is younger than i yet he is so much further ahead in life than i. he has two years of school left. he has known what he's wanted for most of his life. sure he had bumps in his road and his plan didn't go exactly the way he planned but he rolled with it extremely well. he handled and continues to handle his life with a grace that i envy.

i am not ungrateful by any means. we have two fairly new, really nice vehicles that run well and serve their purpose. we have a really nice apartment that does more than serve its purpose. i have an amazing man who stands by me through all my instability. we have loving supporting families. we have a faith and religion that gives us hope and something to believe in. i know that in a couple years i'll have a baby and someone that depends entirely upon me. i am so completely blown away by how utterly blessed i am.

at the same time i still have these stirrings within myself that leave me feeling so let down, so discontent. it wasn't until tonight that i think i pinpointed where they are coming from. get this, it was while watching a lot like love. i guess life happens when we least expect it too right? i think that these feelings continue to grow and swell because (1) i push them aside and dont ever work through them and (2) because my life is staying the same. i, rachelle steele am pretty much the same person i've been since i was 16. its really quite silly when i think about it because i pride myself on being such a strong, unique individual and i am not. not deep down. i have so many unresolved feelings that originated oh, probably back in junior high. that sounds a little juvenile doesn't it?

growing up i always swore i'd be happy no matter what and that my friends would always be my friends and that no matter where i ended up i'd never have regrets. now i always tell others and myself that i don't have regrets. i guess i wouldnt call them regrets because if i didnt go through everything i've gone through, and make all the decisions i've made, then i wouldnt be the rachelle that i am. that sounds contradictory to the other things i'm saying but regrets just isn't the right word.

i havent quite gotten to the point where i've stated my new resolves but i'll get there. right now i know what i need. i need to stop comparing myself to every other soul around me because if i keep doing that, it'll be my internal demise. i am me. i've never really apologized for being me and i don't think i ever will. i am me.

i need to figure out what career a want to pursue. i need to write more. its such a fantastic outlet for me. you know, i started writing a book about 6 months ago. i said i wanted to write a book for about 5 years and i finally began it. but after working 6 hours on the opening, i shut my lap top and haven't looked at it since. its rather sad that the thing i crave and love is something that i can never just quite summon the energy for. i'm the sole identity to blame for that. i need to say thank you more. i need to tell people i love the more. i need to start making myself a better person. i need to work on my "friendships". that is one more thing i can blame on myself. i need to change. i really do.

another thing i need to do is go crawl in bed next to my husband. i suppose this is enough for tonight (or this morning) either way this is enough.

peace<3



Currently listening :
Strange and Beautiful
By Aqualung
Release date: 2006-01-17

Oh I am so sick and sooo bored. here is a Hubby Surv

Here's a chance to see how well you really know your husband. Cut, paste and fill in the answers.

1. He's sitting in front of the TV, what's on the screen? if we had tv it would be something on the discovery channel most likely mythbusters or dirty jobs. if its evening it would be espn.

2. You're out to eat; what kind of dressing does he get on his salad? Ranch

3. What's one food he doesn't like? He despises cucumbers and green beans.

4. You go out to eat and have a drink; what does he order? Dr. Pepper or Mr. Pibb occasionally a sprite or root beer

5. Where did he go to high school? basha high school

6. What size shoe does he wear? 10 1/2 and 11 mainly 11's

7. If he was to collect anything, what would it be? cars

8. What is his favorite type of sandwich? he loves ham and swiss with mustard but at subway he loves chicken bacon ranch

9. What would he eat every day if he could? he loves wings. loooves ribs anything that is chicken or bbq or both

10. What is his favorite cereal? he is so not a cereal person but he does enjoy fruit loops

11. What would he never wear? tough... he'd probably wear anything once haha

12. What is his favorite sports team? when i first met him it was ohio state and denver broncos i have learned that it also extends to asu sundevils, alabama and cardinals? i think thats it for his quote on quote favorites.

13. Who did he vote for? McCain

14. Who is his best friend? me. i guess he has his goodbuddies but no one he really hangs out with. there is robby and chad. used to be andy luke

15. What is something YOU do that he wishes YOU wouldn't do? be so ocd about things he thinks dont matter.

16. You bake him a cake for his birthday; what kind of cake? funfetti that has been sitting in the fridge

17. Did he play sports in high school? Football and wrestled. they were the demise of his knees

18. What could he spend hours doing? watching football or playing ghost recon with friends or looking at beautiful and outrageously expensive cars

19. What is one unique talent he has? he is a problem solver. he loves math and can figure out pretty much any problem thrown at him. he also knows how to calm me down which is a good talent indeed.