It's November again. Another year has passed by in a hazy, reckless, unfathomably painful blur.
Almost every single second, I find myself not only longing for this girl in the picture to exist, but for her to show up, take me by the hand, and lead me to wherever and whatever reality that allows me to be who she is.
Who I was.
She'd arrive in a triumphant blaze of assurance and calmness. She would rehook all of the things that have come unhooked and unbreak everything that's been broken. She'd teach me what it really is to feel a hope and a happiness so deep and genuine, that it would be visible when you looked in my eyes. She would tell me exactly how to achieve a contentment and confidence so pure, it could be palpably felt by all who'd come in contact with me.
A year ago this girl was REAL and even though I know that to be an undeniable truth, this girl seems like such an obscure, abstract, unattainable, impossible concept. It is a dilemma so deeply incomprehensible for me to grasp that I am wholly unable to reconcile myself to it. It's as surreal and far-fetched as time travel or sprouting wings to fly, or princesses in castles, guarded by dragons, being rescued by perfect men they've never met but who somehow, inexplicably, always manages to be their true love.
I'm not some incredibly intelligent person nor am I someone destined for greatness and legacy. I don't know a lot and I'm not sure of most things in this world but I know enough to realize and admit that there is no rewind button and there is no possibility of a Me from the past coming to the Me from now's rescue.
The struggle to exist, to continue to be a reality in this world, is not easy. Life is messy and relentless and painful. It takes and it destroys and it leaves nothing untouched. It's a terrifying dark abyss that we all must dive into, head first, not knowing or being able to see what awaits us at the bottom.
We humans are an inherently weak and selfish species. We attack our own and stand idly by, as we watch evil happening around us. We are gluttons for punishment, rarely seek out or take advice from others, and have it deeply ingrained into our very beings that 'looking out for number one' is the thing to do. It's in our nature to do whatever it takes to survive and come out on top. As with all things, there is an opposition, a flip side. Even with all of the inferiority and defectiveness that means we're human, we also have the capability to be the very essence of good. We can love fiercely and form opinions and feel things so intensely we lose all sense of reason. Yes, we humans are a fickle, irreverent bunch but we are also blessed and thankful and unique. The best things about what it is to be human however, are also the things that allow our naivety and foolishness to abound. It is this innocence and ignorance that leads us to accept and believe things blindly, readily.
The notion that if you just carry on in spite of the million and one hurdles thrown in your path, you'll not only be a brave and strong individual worthy of praise, but you'll also have done something that actually matters and is worth remembering, is one of the biggest lies that has arisen and been fostered and preached since the dawn of time.
There are no right answers. There is no such thing as a period of time that heals. The only certainties in this life, any life really, are pain and guilt and suffering and the fact that there are no magically foolproof formulas to follow in order to achieve the highly coveted and most desired level of achievement.
Happiness.
Pure, unadulterated, invincible happiness sounds good but it's a lie. A farce. The only thing we can do is breathe in and out and will our hearts to continue pumping our blood through our bodies. I know it's true like I know that the sky is blue and the sun sets in the west. I just really, really wish that this girl, the one in the photo, could come to me and tell me how to keep doing that.
