You Should Practice Swallowing Your Words or Maybe Not Talking At All

Oh word vomit what a bittersweet relationship we have. On the one hand, I don't have much of a filter and severely lack the ability to bite my tongue, so I can appreciate when other people are brutally honest or don't sugar coat things. On the other hand, most people abuse you. Word vomit isn't supposed to be obscenely foolish or full of incompetence and yet so many humans don't grasp that their word vomit is just that. I guess once they vocabularily puke on someone who isn't able to suppress the innate desire to kick their teeth in, they'll start to catch on. 

But I won't hold my breath. 

We're used to people around us, most of the people we know/talk to, being (sometimes unintentionally) insensitive and just all around clueless about a lot of the things we have going on in our lives. We realize that multiple lost pregnancies, infertility, military life, and my rape are all kind of heavy things people will treat like landmines. Trust me, we grasp that fully.

Some people's excuse is that they just don't know what to say or do or how to act. 

Answer: NORMAL.  
Duh.  

To us, its just routine life, the life we've had for 5 years. There is no need for our conversations with you to be centered around the crappy things we've had happen. The last thing we ever wanna do is make people feel uncomfortable or be constantly rehashing the sometimes harshness of our past/present reality. We don't expect anyone to be fully educated or sound insanely cultivated on any of those subjects but most of the word vomit that abounds defies the normalcy of common sense. More often than not Mr. Superman and I will exchange glances that expressly involve the single thought of, "REALLY?!" and the more people tip toe around us and try to make conversations with us 'normal' the more dumb stuff falls out of their brains and off of their tongues. Its like the harder you try to be perfect at something, the more you'll find yourself making little mistakes but the minute you let yourself chill out and be the regular you, things will start to flow.

Unless you're a special brand of dim-wittedness a la Jessica Simpson or just flat out mean spirited, the conversations that seem to have been recycled for the last 5 years regardless of who we're talking to, need to stop.

EXAMPLES:

I get FB messages, emails, texts, and people telling me all the time about how sharing my story about being raped is disrespectful to my husband and I shouldn't be talking about it. 

We get told ALL the time that if we just relax, pregnancy and viable birth will just happen when the time is right.  

We are incessantly and without fail asked by friends and family when we plan on becoming parents. 

WTF? Again, REALLY?!

The first one I never even dignify with a response because that is just flat out, pure ignorance.

The second one is full of stupidity because trust me, if relaxing is all it would take for us to have a baby, I'd be more zen that Buddha. A) I no longer have the body parts and organs required to get pregnant on our own and all the relaxation in the world won't make those things grow back. B) Shut up unless you wanna get slapped. 

Lastly, the hardships and facts about our issues with having children are far from secret. In fact, people I've never even met know all the nitty gritty because its been all over this blog for years. Oh, and Facebook. And every time you ask us, we give the same answer. We'll have kids when we either win the lottery, someone dies and leaves us a fortune,  someone decides to donate the insane amount of mula our situation will require, or someone's 16 year old sister/daughter/niece/friend/cousin gets knocked up and gives us their kid. The one option I haven't tried is dedicating my life to becoming the best gosh-darn coke head street walker I can possibly be. Word is those lucky yatches get knocked up about as often as Charlie Sheen says, "WINNING!"


Really though...

When someone talks to us like they know how it feels to be more barren than the Sahara while holding 3 babies on their hips, I want nothing more than to stop them and ask them how stupid they're capable of sounding because I do indeed have a limit of how much I can tolerate before I just turn and walk away.

When someone complains about how annoying their kid is or how lucky we are to be childless and then drones on about how 'doing the whole mommy thing' is the hardest thing anyone could ever do I want to correct them and say the hardest thing anyone could ever do is not strangle you while you're rambling on like a world class dumbnut.

Now I'm not going to say this isn't directed at anyone personally (because I don't LIE) and because it is. I have to chuckle whenever I read someones blog or FB rant where they go off on something but then say, "Now no one take offense because its not directed at anyone." Why do I let out a jolly old "Ha Ha!"? 

Because its a fib and everyone knows its a fib. 

The person who reads that and believes you is probably the person you are dedicating that slice of vent heaven to. You're writing it for a reason and its directed at someone. 

I will say that this isn't directed at just one person. Its a whole slew of these word vomit users and abusers that this goes out to. If you have to think in your pretty little head if you've ever made me wanna flick you in the nose and walk away, you probably have but hey, we're all human and it happens. I know I bug the beejeebeez out of some people and that is just dandy because I have the peace of mind that I don't toss my verbal cookies in someones face over sensitive issues and I know I'm not mean, I'm honest. I can't give offense, you can only take it and that too sweetcheeks, is your prerogative.

Here We Go. Again. Again.

There used to be a time here on my blog that I used to be gung-ho, in your face, constantly debating, ever-posting about politics. I don't do it much at all now but my opinions haven't changed. I read Samantha The Army Wife's post today though, and I could no longer hold back. My postings were all the way back before the current president became president and when the country seemed to be in meltdown. Now I look back and realize that wasn't meltdown. Not at all. Back then is NOTHING compared to NOW. I could talk until I'm BLUE in the face and we could go round and round in circles addressing THE ISSUES but that wouldn't do a single thing. Wanna know how I know? No, I'm not psychic. I just know because that's what our elected officials, the ones who hold 'the power' have been doing for longer than I care to think about. Well, in between their well deserved, badly needed, ever earned vacation time. Wanna know how much good its done?

ZIP. ZILCH. NADA. ZERO. BUTKISS.

Most everything that politicians think are important and spend all their time 'trying to figure out', makes me sick. I get angry and frustrated and upset but I try to just NOT think about it because its not worth the way it all makes me feel.

We all know of the scares earlier this year when Military pay was going to be frozen leaving most of the military and their families in major binds. Bills were still going to be due but none of us would have had the money. Well, that didn't happen and I think most everyone sighed a sigh of relief thinking it was all over and nothing more needed to be thought or worried about.

Not me.
Not my family.
Not most of the people I know who stay informed and up to date on what Congress does concerning our fates and futures.

I want you guys to watch this video.

The Colbert Report	Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
The Word - The 1%
www.colbertnation.com
Colbert Report Full Episodes Political Humor & Satire Blog Video Archive

Its Stephen Colbert and yes he's funny but this has got to be the one and only video of his I have never laughed at.
It made me sick.
It made me want to grab and shake every politician and member of Congress and make them see how utterly preposterous, selfish, ludicrous, absurd, unethical, unfair, and inequitable their REASONING is.

With all of this 'Occupy Wallstreet', 'What you have earned and worked for, I deserve', 'I am the 99%' crap that's been going on and getting WAY too much attention, people's eyes have been turned to view the wealthy and privileged as awful, evil people. How dare they work and earn massive sums of money without giving it to MEEEEE!!! Do you want to know the REALITY? Anyone who feels so entitled to anything they themselves haven't slaved and worked for, regardless of what it is are truly the awful and evil people.

With all of the news coverage and articles about this current ludicrousness, eyes haven't been trained on Congress watching what they've been doing. Nobody has been pointing out the obvious yet easily ignored facts that what's wrong with this country ISN'T big corporations. It ISN'T capitalism. It ISN'T the people in suits who make their money from stocks and bonds and trading. Most people hear budget cuts and the different proposals that can never be agreed upon and their eyes glaze over so they don't want to look close enough to see that the REAL problem with this country is us. Its the people we've elected to run the country. What's wrong with our country is the flippancy that is directed towards the Armed Forces past, present, and future.

To think that the benefits of our Veteran's are the first things that come to the minds of our 'SUPER CONGRESS' when thinking of what needs to be cut...

That, THAT right there is what's wrong with this country.

Now let's look at the REAL 1% shall we?

If only the blindness of America and ignorance of Washington could be fixed by the simple snap of the fingers.

I'm Not Back Yet, But...

People are driving me crazy. 

Have you ever attempted to be the bigger person but the more you try, it seems like people all over the place get more annoying, more insensitive, and the act itself gets seemingly more impossible?

I have.

Geeze I have. 

I wish I could just tell people exactly what I think of them, exactly what I feel, and exactly how WRONG they are without repercussions.

 

This has become my mantra and I so WISH I could walk around with this on a small portable billboard that runs on a constant loop. The more annoying or hurtful or ignorant the person is, the bigger and brighter this would flash.

Don't confuse silence with apathy or seemingly prevalent loneliness with the purposeful suppression of thoughts and feelings in an attempt to spare someone else's emotions.

Other times I wanna say, "Eff being the bigger person" and go and do what benefits me. Its almost an ever-constant tug-o-war. I have to keep myself in check, exercise epic self-control and make positive use of all my energy in moving onward and forward. The more space that there is between us and the dummies past, the better. 

Despite wanting to oft times throw ourselves on the ground, kick and scream, and then once once we are emotionally exhausted, just curl up in the fetal position and wait for the world to change, we must face the music. I don't know if you know this or not, but change doesn't just skip along and figure your life out for you.  Its about you putting your feelings on the back burner, sucking it up, and being the type of person this world so desperately needs more of. Rather than arguing back and wasting your energy on petty little things, focus on the words, thoughts, and emotions that will help you and even if it doesn't seem possible, the person that's making you turn into a crazy white girl who's about to open a big ol' can of wh...

Despite an almost instinctual reaction, we as humans need to sincerely think about what has been said or what we wish to say. Is any of it worth losing friends, hurting family, and losing ourselves to the compromise of what we know we SHOULD do? 95% of the time, you unknowingly become a self-deprecating pawn in the hands of negativity and pessimism.

 

Once I'm able to move far enough away from a certain person or a hurtful thing that may have been said, I'm able to start forgiving. Its funny really because forgiveness definitely isn't about another person. The act of forgiveness is solely and perpetually about US. 

Over-Statements

I have been trying to mull this over for a while now. When I am irritated, tact and grace hardly ever come through my words and to say I'm irritated would be a gross minimization of what I'm feeling. If you follow me on Twitter or Facebook you may have seen me post this article that was published on Examiner.com and written by a military wife. You could have seen it posted by someone else you know as well because I alone had 15 fellow Milie's share it along with their disgust with this woman. What's so wrong with the article? Why am I so fired up?

I am all for freedom of speech and freedom of press, I am. This woman has every right to say what she wants but when she is sitting there blatantly attacking an entire community (and one I am proudly a part of) and is spouting off her negativity for anyone to see or read, you'd better believe I am going to get angry and speak my mind. Even more so when I know that everything that person is saying is false. Grossly over-stated.

We as a military spouse community try so hard to fight against the stereotypes we are ignorantly labeled with and then here is a wife doing nothing to help. I just had to respond.

"After I read your article, I was more in shock than anything else so I had to go take a peek at the woman behind the words.
 
'Debi Ketner, an award-winning military life columnist, has focused on military marriage as a writer in Norfolk for over 14 years. Married to a Navy senior chief, she's also the mother of five sons, one currently on active duty in the Armed Forces. Her articles on military marriage have been featured in Military Times and military websites in the past.'

All I can say is that I feel so sorry for you if you truly believe everything you wrote describing us fellow military wives. It is such a mound of negativity and then reading that you are described as 'an award-winning writer' who has been featured several times in many different online outlets expanded my worries even more to think about the amount of new military spouses and civilians you now have convinced of what you see as the truth. The majority of military spouses I know and have come in contact with, along with myself, try so very hard to dispel the common misconceptions and stereotypes that are widely believed and readily accepted about us all. For a fellow military wife to blatantly spout off negative rhetoric as if its factual is offensive and disappointing but even more so since you are in a position of power to get your ideas published and spread.

I can only hope that someday soon you are able to let go of whatever negative experiences you may have had in the past that poisoned your perception of military wives and the relationships we have with one another. Maybe you'll get lucky and you'll find a hell of a friend in a military spouse because I myself, have found some of the best friends in the world in the 2 years I've been able to call myself a military wife."

This is also the woman that published that article saying that a "vast amount of military couples partook in oral-sex pacts" with other couples while spouses were deployed. Yeah, that's her. I just honestly cannot understand what would make someone do that. She isn't making herself look any better, that's for sure. Thankfully, the majority of feedback she has received has been from fellow military spouses not holding back. I just hope this opens her eyes but I have a feeling she is loving all of the attention and will continue to pollute the internet with her negativity.

You Shut Yo' Mouth!!

The two reasons for this post don't have anything in common really except for the fact that both situations were created by ignorant people running their mouths.

The first situation happened about two weeks ago but it (surprisingly) slipped my mind when it came to posting about it. I saw almost exactly the same thing posted on Mrs. G.I. Joe's blog so I decided I'd post about it. Hopefully between the two of us, we can stop someone from opening their mouth again if they too have these ridiculous opinions or thoughts.

In an online forum, I was asked what my husband did for a living. I said that he was active duty Air Force. I was then asked if he had ever been deployed. I responded that no, he had not due to his being sort of a newbie. This was a group discussion about how to balance being a wife and juggling house duties along with having a separate life. It had absolutely NOTHING to do with the war, politics, the Armed Forces... just balancing life. The first girl who had asked about Mr. Superman's career then had the gumption, balls, nerve, gall to say, "So your husband is just another twenty something year-old man who was too lazy to go to college and have a real job?" Stupid girl say what?

To say I was pissed is way too much of an understatement. My heart started to race, my throat tightened, and my instincts were to reach through the computer and strangle this idiot. Come on, I would have been doing the world a favor. I didn't even know where to start. I definitely didn't take a moment to calm down, think, then reply. I laid into her. Here it is. (I saved it because it was a pretty good rant)

"First off, the only reason I am even acknowledging your ignorance is, not to make myself feel better or for the sake of having an argument, but to hopefully correct you and the others in this forum on the pure trash that you just took the time to type out. God forbid someone actually agree with you. Even though everything you said shows how utterly obtuse you are, I am not expecting anything I say to change your backwards, mixed up way of thinking. Obviously, what you said is what you truly believe about our military. Your lack of respect for our troops is sickening and your lack of understanding is laughable. I'll let you in on a few things.

Just because my husband is in his twenties and in the military doesn't mean everyone in the military is in their twenties. Too many words for you? Okay, everyone in the military is different. Just as in any other field of work be it pro sports player, doctor, construction worker, or teacher, they are all individuals. Individuals means nobody is the same. They all have their own identity. For you to say, "He's just another twenty something..." would be like me saying you are just another insecure, dense, ungrateful American. Oh wait, my example is correct. My husband enlisted because it is something he had ALWAYS wanted to do. For the record, my husband is the smartest person I know. He completed 3 years of full-time school while working two full-time jobs. What do you do? Have you finished your degree? I'm pretty sure that even half of what he does makes him the complete opposite of "lazy". I think the word you were looking for is hard-working or perhaps persevering. The mix-up is understandable though with your little brain working double time trying to keep up with the conversation. I won't hold your absolute disregard against you. I will just hope that you will start to think before you talk/type. I will continue to feel sorry for you and your petty little opinions. Lastly I will state that my husband does indeed, have a "real" job. What he does day in and day out, alongside millions of others, active duty and otherwise, make our country safe, keep our country free, and allows you to spout off about things you don't know anything about."

She logged off within five minutes of me posting my reply.          Mrs. S.: 1    Biznatch: 0

This sadly, was not the first time I have met this attitude or opinion either. It is frustrating to say the least. Some people think that being in the military gets you attention and that's why people do it. Um... not even close. It is RARE to be acknowledged in a positive way or thanked. Yes, its true that when those rare occurrences do come along that Mr. Superman does feel a little proud. He loves his job. I am the one that is grateful beyond belief when people say "thanks". I love going places with him when he's in uniform. I feel special and so overwhelmingly proud it nearly brings me to tears. The reasons people enlist are all different but for the vast majority its because they desire to. They want to uphold our country's freedom and they are grateful to be given the opportunity to do so. Others think we do it for the money. That one is laughable. The military personnel don't make a whole lot. I promise. Even if he wasn't junior enlisted we wouldn't be making more than he could if he had a civilian job. Insane right?

Okay next situation. For those who know me know that I am extremely conservative. I say republican but I really lean further toward constitutionalist. For me, my religion comes first and the things I believe in and support politically, 100% reflect my beliefs and attitude religiously. One of the biggest things I advocate for is Pro-Life. I don't want to start an argument or political discussion. It is my belief that abortion is murder no matter why or when. No gray area, no straddling the line, just dry cut, clear and simple. I have been asked COUNTLESS times why I believe this and if I only started to support Pro-Life when I lost my first baby. First off, I believe this because I see abortion as murder. Murder is wrong. Anytime I hear about it, it makes me sick. I have always always always believed this way. I'm not a belief jumper and don't hopscotch over things that I don't agree with from time to time. My beliefs are solid and they stay the same. Yes, I have become an even more avid supporter of the Pro-Life movement since losing my babies and even more so since we discovered I cannot have children. It just really rubs me the wrong way when people snidely comment about my beliefs when it comes to this. Have some respect people.

Okay, I'm done.

♥ Mrs. S.

Currently Failing at Life

Its one of those days. No, its one of those weeks months. I know that sometimes I can be a little over dramatic but I am so not being over dramatic right now.

I feel like my body is falling apart and I am 22 years old. I have lost more body parts and have been cut open more in the last 12 months than most people I know that are 70. I have had to go to the ER, and three doctors in the last 10 days. That is insane. Apparently my migraines and daily nose bleeds are the effects of my super rare blood disease that by the way, got diagnosed this morning. Sweet. I had planned on going to class, getting certified on some skills and having them signed off, then trying to finish cleaning my house, do my homework, then get the Mr. from base to do some running then grocery shopping. It was supposed to be a normal Thursday. You know, just another day with too much to get done and not enough time. 

I can't seem to balance my new status as nursing student with what I have come to be as a great wife who keeps a clean, organized house with yummy dinners every night. I haven't cooked since before we left for AZ which seems an eternity ago. I can't get my homework done every night without breaking down over how much information each assignment and chapter entails and how I am magically supposed to soak it all up, remember it, then ace the giant tests every few days. FAIL.

To top it all off its getting harder to paste on a smile every other day when I find out another friend or acquaintance is expecting a baby. Don't get me wrong, I really do get excited and happy for them, and most of them are the most deserving people I know, but after 2 1/2 years of nothing but trying and hoping for a baby only to lose two precious children, my fallopian tubes, and what seems like all hope of having a child of our own, on our own.... Like I said, its getting harder. Harder doesn't even begin to explain how it feels but I won't keep going on.

Despite the horrible day/week/month I have had I know that it could always be worse. I am extraordinarily lucky to have Mr. Superman by my side, at home, and the life that we have built for ourselves. I have great family and friends and of course, my Heavenly Father. Besides, I still have to go get the Mr., do my homework, and go grocery shopping. When it rains, it pours but life doesn't care enough to pause for you to grab an umbrella.

Sorry for the rant/falling apart. I hope you all are having an enjoyable day and lovely week. For me its the start of my weekend. Hopefully I'll be more put together by the next time I decide to blog.

♥ Mrs. S.

We are in agreement

I received this from my MIL and agreed with it whole-heartedly. Not just because the media/liberal Hollywood worship makes me sick and not because my husband is in the Air Force and the possibility of him getting deployed terrifies me. I agree with it because the American people take what we have, for granted. No one thinks that the reason they get to sleep in a comfy bed at night with full stomach's is because of the blood that has been given on their behalf. Here it is:

SOLDIER RESPONDS TO MJ'S DEATH

This is written by a young man serving his third tour of duty in Iraq. Thought you might find his take on the Michael Jackson news interesting.
________________________________________________________________________________________

"Okay, I need to rant. I was just watching the news, and I caught part of a report on Michael Jackson. As we all know, Jackson died the other day. He was an entertainer who performed for decades. He made millions, he spent millions, and he did a lot of things that make him a villain to many people. I understand that his death would affect a lot of people and I respect those people who mourn his death, but that isn't the point of my rant.

Why is it that when ONE man dies, the whole of America loses their minds with grief? When a man dies whose only contribution to the country was to ENTERTAIN people, the American people find the need to flock to a memorial in Hollywood, and even Congress sees the need to hold a "moment of silence" for his passing?

Am I missing something here? ONE man dies, and all of a sudden he's a freaking martyr because he entertained us for a few decades? What about all those SOLDIERS who have died to give us freedom? All those soldiers who, knowing that they would be asked to fight in a war, still raised their hands and swore to defend the Constitution and the United States of America. Where is their moment of silence? Where are the people flocking to their graves or memorials and mourning over them because they made the ultimate sacrifice? Why is it when a soldier dies, there are more people saying "good riddance," and "thank God for IEDs?" When did this country become so calloused to the sacrifice of GOOD MEN and WOMEN, that they can arbitrarily blow off their deaths, and instead, throw themselves into mourning for a "Pop Icon?"

I think that if they are going to hold a moment of silence IN CONGRESS For Michael Jackson, they need to hold a moment of silence for every Service member killed in Iraq and Afghanistan. They need to PUBLICLY recognize every life that has been lost so that the American people can live their callous little lives in the luxury and freedom that WE, those that are living and those that have gone on, have provided for them. But, wait, that would take too much time, because there have been so many willing to make that sacrifice. After all, we will never make millions of dollars. We will never star in movies, or write hit songs that the world will listen too. We only shed our blood, sweat, and tears so that people can enjoy what they have.

Sorry if I have offended, but I needed to say it. Remember these five words the next time you think of someone who is serving in the military;

"So that others may live..."

Isaac"

Allowing myself to be angry

Current things bugging me the most?

Let's see, people who aren't even trying, and who don't even WANT kids, getting pregnant left and right.

Yeah I think out of the people I know who have gotten married in the same year as us up until just recently, there are 3 that don't have at least one baby.

I am so utterly sick and tired of it.

Brighter Than Sunshine

So the title of this blog is actually a song. A phenomenal song that I have always loved. This blog is actually some of my late night ramblings from a while back and I came across it and realized its the same stuff I am goin through right now. I love writing and have all of my stuff scattered on different web sites and in notebooks and random files on our computer. I have decided as I come across them I will publish them on here as I see fit. Also... Lately I have been thinking and thinking about wanting to somehow put our blog into a hard copy like a journal type thing and I have discovered Blurb!! Its a fantastic site where you can import or export (not sure which would be correct in this context) your blog with pictures and all and create a color hard backed book! I think I will do one yearly. Alright that's it. Here is my rambling portion.


Monday, June 16, 2008

brighter than sunshine
Current mood: forgotten
Category: Life

i'm not really sure where i'm going to go with this but i'm going.

its now 12:38 on monday morning. sunday consisted of me FINALLY going to urgent care. for the last two weeks i've been really fighting a lot of things just attacking my body. diagnosis: advanced bronchitis, sinus infection, ear infection, and weakened lungs. hmmm, got three prescriptions that are supposed to make me better. this is just one more thing on top of a million other things that got me thinking, questioning, reeling... the list could really go on and on but i'm too tired. what did people do way back when there weren't urgent cares and a ton of steroids and medications that we could take 3 times a day and magically get better? why are we as a society, as a world so reliant on.... everything but ourselves? sure we can all strive to be so called independent, self-reliant individuals but when it really comes down to it, we are not.

my friend hayley posted something a couple days ago that really got me pondering my life and my current circumstances. i am 20 years old. i'm married to an amazing man who loves me despite me. i should be the happiest person on earth and yet i am so discontent. i am not discontent with my marriage, i am not discontent with my surroundings or my environment but i am entirely discontent with me. with myself. i also have absolutely no one but to blame but myself.

my husband is younger than i yet he is so much further ahead in life than i. he has two years of school left. he has known what he's wanted for most of his life. sure he had bumps in his road and his plan didn't go exactly the way he planned but he rolled with it extremely well. he handled and continues to handle his life with a grace that i envy.

i am not ungrateful by any means. we have two fairly new, really nice vehicles that run well and serve their purpose. we have a really nice apartment that does more than serve its purpose. i have an amazing man who stands by me through all my instability. we have loving supporting families. we have a faith and religion that gives us hope and something to believe in. i know that in a couple years i'll have a baby and someone that depends entirely upon me. i am so completely blown away by how utterly blessed i am.

at the same time i still have these stirrings within myself that leave me feeling so let down, so discontent. it wasn't until tonight that i think i pinpointed where they are coming from. get this, it was while watching a lot like love. i guess life happens when we least expect it too right? i think that these feelings continue to grow and swell because (1) i push them aside and dont ever work through them and (2) because my life is staying the same. i, rachelle steele am pretty much the same person i've been since i was 16. its really quite silly when i think about it because i pride myself on being such a strong, unique individual and i am not. not deep down. i have so many unresolved feelings that originated oh, probably back in junior high. that sounds a little juvenile doesn't it?

growing up i always swore i'd be happy no matter what and that my friends would always be my friends and that no matter where i ended up i'd never have regrets. now i always tell others and myself that i don't have regrets. i guess i wouldnt call them regrets because if i didnt go through everything i've gone through, and make all the decisions i've made, then i wouldnt be the rachelle that i am. that sounds contradictory to the other things i'm saying but regrets just isn't the right word.

i havent quite gotten to the point where i've stated my new resolves but i'll get there. right now i know what i need. i need to stop comparing myself to every other soul around me because if i keep doing that, it'll be my internal demise. i am me. i've never really apologized for being me and i don't think i ever will. i am me.

i need to figure out what career a want to pursue. i need to write more. its such a fantastic outlet for me. you know, i started writing a book about 6 months ago. i said i wanted to write a book for about 5 years and i finally began it. but after working 6 hours on the opening, i shut my lap top and haven't looked at it since. its rather sad that the thing i crave and love is something that i can never just quite summon the energy for. i'm the sole identity to blame for that. i need to say thank you more. i need to tell people i love the more. i need to start making myself a better person. i need to work on my "friendships". that is one more thing i can blame on myself. i need to change. i really do.

another thing i need to do is go crawl in bed next to my husband. i suppose this is enough for tonight (or this morning) either way this is enough.

peace<3



Currently listening :
Strange and Beautiful
By Aqualung
Release date: 2006-01-17

A Bit Angry

So I am pretty angry right now. Disappointed and frustrated and flat out angry. I just got a call from my perfect ideal family who wanted me as their nanny for at least a year and was laid off. This for lack of a better word, SUCKS. Yeah I said it. They decided to have their mother's watch the baby because they are family and it wont cost them as much. Yae for family. Its back to the job search for me. Just in time for the Holiday Weekend. This is a little like deja vu for me. Last time I got laid off from a nanny position was the day before I went on vacation. Woopdedoo. I am feeling fantastic.