Whatever Makes You Feel Better

We all say things to ourselves to make things seem better or sound better than they really are.

Big things. Small things.
Things that we feel are important but we downgrade them so we can move on.

We rationalize.
We barter.
We halfheartedly tell ourselves that we're okay as long as (fill in the blank).

Its a part of human nature I suppose.

On Tuesday I was drinking a Snapple and I had one of these moments.
The lid held a revelation.
Kind of.

"The average sea turtle is unable to begin reproducing until the age of 25."

I told Mr. Superman, "I guess I have another 6 months before I should let it get to me. Just call me sea turtle."

My heart's not convinced.
Whatever makes me feel better right?

Stop.

There comes a time when the ever-recurring cycle breaks you.
There comes a time when you stop because you are just...

tired of the fight.

When is the end of the rope?
When does the tide stop coming in, pounding your will relentlessly, over and over and over?

Why is faith and love not enough?

Despair resides where only you can see and feel while all others meager attempts at glimpsing a fraction of what is your reality, fall before they even take flight.

Who draws the line?
Who says when its been enough?

After a while, you let the tide take you.
After the long days and nights, weeks and months, and years that feel like eternities have knocked you down so many times, the small flickering light of hope goes out.

It gets to the point that you see what your reality has become and its easier to just...

stop.

You Should Practice Swallowing Your Words or Maybe Not Talking At All

Oh word vomit what a bittersweet relationship we have. On the one hand, I don't have much of a filter and severely lack the ability to bite my tongue, so I can appreciate when other people are brutally honest or don't sugar coat things. On the other hand, most people abuse you. Word vomit isn't supposed to be obscenely foolish or full of incompetence and yet so many humans don't grasp that their word vomit is just that. I guess once they vocabularily puke on someone who isn't able to suppress the innate desire to kick their teeth in, they'll start to catch on. 

But I won't hold my breath. 

We're used to people around us, most of the people we know/talk to, being (sometimes unintentionally) insensitive and just all around clueless about a lot of the things we have going on in our lives. We realize that multiple lost pregnancies, infertility, military life, and my rape are all kind of heavy things people will treat like landmines. Trust me, we grasp that fully.

Some people's excuse is that they just don't know what to say or do or how to act. 

Answer: NORMAL.  
Duh.  

To us, its just routine life, the life we've had for 5 years. There is no need for our conversations with you to be centered around the crappy things we've had happen. The last thing we ever wanna do is make people feel uncomfortable or be constantly rehashing the sometimes harshness of our past/present reality. We don't expect anyone to be fully educated or sound insanely cultivated on any of those subjects but most of the word vomit that abounds defies the normalcy of common sense. More often than not Mr. Superman and I will exchange glances that expressly involve the single thought of, "REALLY?!" and the more people tip toe around us and try to make conversations with us 'normal' the more dumb stuff falls out of their brains and off of their tongues. Its like the harder you try to be perfect at something, the more you'll find yourself making little mistakes but the minute you let yourself chill out and be the regular you, things will start to flow.

Unless you're a special brand of dim-wittedness a la Jessica Simpson or just flat out mean spirited, the conversations that seem to have been recycled for the last 5 years regardless of who we're talking to, need to stop.

EXAMPLES:

I get FB messages, emails, texts, and people telling me all the time about how sharing my story about being raped is disrespectful to my husband and I shouldn't be talking about it. 

We get told ALL the time that if we just relax, pregnancy and viable birth will just happen when the time is right.  

We are incessantly and without fail asked by friends and family when we plan on becoming parents. 

WTF? Again, REALLY?!

The first one I never even dignify with a response because that is just flat out, pure ignorance.

The second one is full of stupidity because trust me, if relaxing is all it would take for us to have a baby, I'd be more zen that Buddha. A) I no longer have the body parts and organs required to get pregnant on our own and all the relaxation in the world won't make those things grow back. B) Shut up unless you wanna get slapped. 

Lastly, the hardships and facts about our issues with having children are far from secret. In fact, people I've never even met know all the nitty gritty because its been all over this blog for years. Oh, and Facebook. And every time you ask us, we give the same answer. We'll have kids when we either win the lottery, someone dies and leaves us a fortune,  someone decides to donate the insane amount of mula our situation will require, or someone's 16 year old sister/daughter/niece/friend/cousin gets knocked up and gives us their kid. The one option I haven't tried is dedicating my life to becoming the best gosh-darn coke head street walker I can possibly be. Word is those lucky yatches get knocked up about as often as Charlie Sheen says, "WINNING!"


Really though...

When someone talks to us like they know how it feels to be more barren than the Sahara while holding 3 babies on their hips, I want nothing more than to stop them and ask them how stupid they're capable of sounding because I do indeed have a limit of how much I can tolerate before I just turn and walk away.

When someone complains about how annoying their kid is or how lucky we are to be childless and then drones on about how 'doing the whole mommy thing' is the hardest thing anyone could ever do I want to correct them and say the hardest thing anyone could ever do is not strangle you while you're rambling on like a world class dumbnut.

Now I'm not going to say this isn't directed at anyone personally (because I don't LIE) and because it is. I have to chuckle whenever I read someones blog or FB rant where they go off on something but then say, "Now no one take offense because its not directed at anyone." Why do I let out a jolly old "Ha Ha!"? 

Because its a fib and everyone knows its a fib. 

The person who reads that and believes you is probably the person you are dedicating that slice of vent heaven to. You're writing it for a reason and its directed at someone. 

I will say that this isn't directed at just one person. Its a whole slew of these word vomit users and abusers that this goes out to. If you have to think in your pretty little head if you've ever made me wanna flick you in the nose and walk away, you probably have but hey, we're all human and it happens. I know I bug the beejeebeez out of some people and that is just dandy because I have the peace of mind that I don't toss my verbal cookies in someones face over sensitive issues and I know I'm not mean, I'm honest. I can't give offense, you can only take it and that too sweetcheeks, is your prerogative.

What Day Is It?

What day is it?
Is it Friday?
Is it payday?
Is it the end of the work week?
Is it the middle of October?
Is it just another day?
I'm sure to most of you, the answer to all of the questions is yes.

To me, today is not just another day.
Today is October 15th, 2011.
Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Established by President Reagan unofficially in 1988 and then established by President Bush in 2007 and recognized as a National day of remembrance, it does a great service to a cause most people don't give much thought to if they have never gone through it.

Today is a day that I take the time to specifically remember each of our angel babies. Today is a day that I tell myself it is 100% okay to cry about the fact that we never got to meet any of our babies. Today is a day that I have a constant prayer running through my mind, more so now for all of the people who have experienced loss than for myself. Today is a day that my heart hurts. Today is a day that I find myself thanking God more often for His Son and for the gift of the Atonement. Through that, I know I'll not only get to see my babies again, I'll finally get to be the mommy I have wanted to be my entire life to our sweet babies. 

Even though today may just be another day to you, take a moment and say a prayer for those who've suffered the loss no one should ever have to because its not just another day to them.

Great site to donate and support pregnancy and infant loss awareness and to learn more

You Know, Because My Lady Bits Don't Work

I'm having surgery.
Again.
In a few hours.

I wasn't going to tell anyone, then I thought, "You weren't going to tell anyone about your tumors either, but then you did, you got thousands of prayers, and you have amazed doctors" so, I'm telling you.

I'm having surgery.
Again.
In a few hours.
Pray okay?
Not so much for me, because I am honestly, one hundred thousand percent okay, but for Mr. Superman.
He gets nervous.
He sits there.
Alone.
For a minimum of 8 hours.
In uncomfortable hospital chairs, where its cold.
Sure, he has his phone, and his laptop, and his thoughts...
Its those last ones that get him in trouble.
So, pray for him.
Thanks Lovelies.
As always, you're the very best.

Yep. That Sums It Up.

EMPTY.

Yep that about sums it up.

My womb.
Gaping hole in our lives.
Giant parts of our hearts.
The extra room in every house we've lived in.
The backseat of our car.
Countless dreams, hopes, wishes, prayers.
They are all empty.

I am so sick of waiting.
I am sick of being let down.
I am sick of curling up next to my husband and talking in circles about "What if" and "If only"

I am heartbroken that we can't have the one and only thing we've wanted for nearly four years.

It tears me up when my husband tells me that he doesn't understand why.

That its not fair that we do everything we are supposed to and get nothing but heartbreak.

That even years from now when we are finally able to afford adoption, we will have to jump through so many hoops to prove ourselves.

It hurts me so bad to know how badly my husband wants to be a dad and we can't have that.

I am so sick of being empty.

Defining Words

This week starts National Infertility Awareness week. Resolve.org is asking us in the infertility and baby loss community to help bust a myth. The myth and misconception that infertility isn't a disease.

Infertility is a disease.  

Just like heart disease or lung disease. 

It has a group of medical codes all it's own.  

It affects countless women and families.

It affects me.

Its a huge part of my life.

It helps define who I am.

I've taken this list from a fellow blogger, AF Recruiting: A Wife's Point of View.

634: Spontaneous abortion (i/e miscarriage)
640.0: Threatened abortion
646.3: Habitual aborter
649.5: Spotting complicating pregnancy
773.0: Rh- (Rh factor incompatibility
628.9: Infertility female of unspecified origin
256.6: PCOS
256: Ovarian dysfunction

I want to add endometriosis, as well as MTHFR and HHT.

This is a list that defines me and my inability to have a child. 

Its something that hurts my heart and my very essence every single day.

Help dispel this myth. Share and pray.

TTC With The Annoyed Army Wife

Lovelies! Here we are again with another fabulous line up of guest bloggers to entertain you all while I am busy cleaning our new house from top to bottom, grocery shopping, and all of the ever-important mani/pedi, spray tan, waxing, and hair appointments in preparation for the big HOMECOMING!! I am so glad I have all of these wonderful Lovelies stepping in for me so I can focus on the important things not to mention so I can be sure to take breathers in between my anxiety attacks. So please be sure to show all of my wonderful Lovelies lots of love because they deserve it. Today I have the incredibly charming Annoyed Army Wife. She cracks me up and I love her sarcastic, blunt, snarky posts because she's just like me. Michelle just welcomed her own hubby so a big fatty congrats to her too!

I’ve been following Mrs. S. for quite awhile now, I’ve checked out her pages, which I highly recommend you do.  One of the first posts I read by Mrs. S. was a guest post she did on Flip Flops & Combat Boots.  I cried.  I didn’t comment because I was such a newbie blogger at the time, but I sat down and cried for a woman I didn’t even know.  I started following Mrs. S's blog that day.  I highly recommend you read By November if you haven’t yet. 

Some of you may know me as the annoyed army wife.  If all goes well I should be reuniting with my deployed husband, OccDoc, right about now.  He’s been deployed in Afghanistan working as a battalion surgeon for about 7 months now.  I had the great pleasure of meeting Mrs. S. in real life, and we totally bonded over some fabulous cupcakes.  Mrs. S. wanted me to write something funny and sarcastic about infertility; I kind of missed the mark, but I hope you enjoy my rant, nonetheless.

OccDoc and I have been trying really, really hard to get pregnant for awhile now.  We aren’t one of those couples who are just not not trying, we are actively trying.  We hit our one year TTC (Trying to Conceive) anniversary 4 days before he deployed.  I was hoping for a miracle and a BFP (big fat positive) after he left, but Aunt Flo arrived and my hopes were dashed.  Cue massive amounts of wine drinking and mounds of soggy Kleenexes.  We’ve been on a seven month ‘break’ from TTC, um, considering we’re on separate continents.  We’re planning to just ‘relax’ for about 3 months once he’s back, then we’ll head off to the doctor for some fertility/infertility workups. 

Shortly after we got married (the second time) we told our family and friends we were waiting until OccDoc was out of the Army to have a family, he’s so not a lifer.  After crunching some numbers and realizing we weren’t getting any younger (who knew?) we decided to start actively trying after I graduated from massage school.  Girls at my school were getting knocked up right and left, so I assumed we’d have no problem.  Yeah, you know what happens when you assume.

Here we are 18 months later and our stupid home office is still just a stupid home office instead of a nursery.  Hopefully by the time this post goes live I will have reunited with OccDoc and we’ll be busy gettin’ busy, if you know what I mean.  Ha ha!  Of course TTC always makes hearing the news that a friend, a family member, another blogger, or some random drug addict on the street is pregnant pretty hard to take.  I want to be happy for them, and I genuinely am happy for them, but at the same time I wonder why they got to be so lucky and I’m just getting screwed (pun intended).  I read on a blog one time that I shouldn’t be upset when I hear the “So and So’s Pregnant!” news because that ‘pregnant woman didn’t take the last baby off the shelf,’ but it still stings. Even though I smile and say ‘Congrats’ I’m crying on the inside. 

One of the hidden treasures of this deployment is that people have finally stopped asking if OccDoc and I are trying to have a baby.  Could you please twist the knife a bit more with your questions?  Do you know how much that questions rips through the heart and soul of someone TTC?  Do you know how much someone TTC wants to bitchslap you when you tell them to ‘relax’?  I’m a massage therapist who meditates twice a day and gets weekly massage for crap’s sake, you can’t get much more relaxed than that.  So, Eff Off and YOU go relax.  I hope you all have a lovely day, and I thank Mrs. S. for hosting me today, now I’ve gotta run and see if I’m ovulating…

What IF??

I saw this and after convincing myself I needed to watch it regardless of my fear, I watched it. Four times. I cried and I still have chills. The world is full of what if's but for those of us who suffer from it, IF is more than a question, its a state of being, a disease, and a massive hurdle we must get over even if we fall. IF: InFertility. Watch this and share it. It's beautiful AND heart-wrenching.


What IF? A Portrait of Infertility from Keiko Zoll on Vimeo.

Go HERE to check out more.

♥ Mrs. S.