Love Is Love Is Love

In my years of blogging and social media, I can't tell you how many posts I've read where the writers prefaced whatever they were going to say with something akin to, "I'll lose friends/readers/followers over this but I don't care, its what I know/believe/will stick with..." I've always been a person who lacks a filter. I'm honest, sometimes brutally so and when it comes to certain things, especially things I'm passionate about, I'm in your face without regret. I don't believe I've ever written something like that before but I'm about to. 

I can, without a single second of hesitation say that because of what I'm about to share, I will lose friends/readers/followers but I cannot say that I do not care. I do care because if you find yourself irritated or disappointed at what you read and you have any thoughts of no longer having an investment in this blog of mine (or my life) then please, PLEASE walk away. I encourage questions and discussions and different opinions and insights but I have absolutely no room in my life for people who I can't take at face value. If in your mind I am any less of a person at the end of this as I am right now but you insist on not sharing that with me, again I say, please, PLEASE walk away.

It's one thing to stand up for what you believe is right and a wholly other to discriminate and say you do so for God. I believe in God. I worship God. I love God. I know God wants me to strive to be like Him, loving all and judging none. 

Love is love is love. 

Opposing LGBT Groups and same sex marriage strikes me as belonging to the same level of hate and bigotry as that regarding biracial relationships and bi-religious marriages. Hitler's ideas regarding the purity of race were/are seen as hateful, spiteful, derogatory, disgusting, and any other terrible word you can think of. To him and his followers though, they were not only inspired but 1000% justified. During the time of slavery, black people were seen as nothing more than animals and property to be sold and used and dealt with as such. The people who owned slaves and truly believed there was/is a pecking order in race also felt 1000% justified. Any decent human being would agree that Hitler and racists are people who didn't/don't deserve to breathe the same air as the rest of us. 

So why, WHY is there still so much hate regarding certain people?

Hate exists and discrimination occurs because of fear. Fear of change and fear of new things and things that are different and difficult for those on the outside to understand. 

That's it. 

Fear. Not anything else. 

It has nothing to do with loyalty to or belief in God. God loves without condition and never stops. He never takes pause. I've always believed that. I'll always believe that. I've always known that but until a couple years ago I didn't truly grasp what that means to its fullest depths.

Can I tell you a secret? I used to be THAT person. The person who once voted against gay marriage. Why? I had certain ideas and beliefs drilled into my head that its what God wanted me to do. So I did. And guess what? I didn't feel like a better person. I didn't feel like I had done what God wanted me to do. I didn't get a surge of pride for doing my Christian duty to 'protect' what has become known as traditional marriage.       
A friend of mine who also happens to have a blog, wrote the BEST post/essay/article/declaration/anything I have ever read in my entire life, addressing this very thing. Traditional marriage, defending it, dissecting it, exploring it and Lovelies, its truly and perfectly flawless. She's amazing with all her facts and research and eloquent and graceful writing.  


How To Be A Sort-of-Traditional Mormon Defending Non-Traditional Marriage

Thanks Christine. 

I look back now and cringe at what I was always spouting and preaching. I really was just spewing rhetoric without a second thought. 

I was right! God only wanted boys and girls to love each other romantically! Love the sinner, hate the sin! 

Nothing could make me doubt and no one could change my mind.

I have no idea exactly when my beliefs evolved into what they are now. All I know is somewhere along the way I began to ask myself why it was so important that a man and a woman be the only people allowed to love each other freely and get married. Not just why it was important but why on Earth was it so vitally important to ME that "traditional marriage" be protected. 

I found out that it wasn't. Who was I to 'take a stand' and tell people who were no less of a child of God than I that they were wrong to love who they loved and that because they loved a little differently than me, they could not marry the love of their lives? The answer to that question is that I am no one. It's not my place nor will I ever claim that it is again.

I look at the people who surround me. My family, my friends, people I work with, people I interact with here in Blog and Social Media Land... and I am in awe. 

They are all different. 
Some are married.
Some are single.
Some are straight.
Some are gay.
Some are Christians.
Some are Atheists.
Some are boys.
Some are girls.
Some I adore.
Some I barely tolerate. 

Why am I in awe? Because I know that they belong to God just like me. They are human, just like me. They are capable of incredible things and making mistakes, just like me. They hurt and feel joy, just like me. They cry, laugh, think, live and love, just like me. 

I've thought many, many times what it would feel like to be told that I couldn't do something because of some other circumstance. 

You can't drive an SUV because you have freckles! You can't write a novel because you suck at math! You can't be married to Mr. Superman because he has blue eyes and yours are green!

Silly right?
Ridiculous and absurd?
No one would ever have the right to make any of this real!

Once upon a time women couldn't vote nor could blacks. Once upon a time it was legal for a husband to rape his wife because it was her duty to have sex with him. Once upon a time marriages were null and void if one of the parties had lost their virginity prior to being married. Once upon a time if you stepped on a crack you could fall and break your mothers back.

If it had been illegal for my Catholic Father-In-Law to marry my Mormon Mother-In-Law, I wouldn't have my incredible husband and therefore would be dead.  

Lovelies, everyone on this Earth is here because of a loving God. Each and every one of us means the same to Him and each and every one of us deserves everything this life has to offer. What do I think this entails? 

To be free to love and be loved by whomever our heart chooses because that's what it boils down to. Our hearts choose. When it comes to who our hearts choose, they beat out the rhythm God intended from the beginning. Wildly, freely, endlessly, and without discrimination or limits. 

Love is love is love.

To believe otherwise is no honor to God and attempting to justify what is nothing short of discriminatory by saying anything to the contrary makes not only a bigot but a liar also.

It's not easy being different. I am the only person within my immediate and also within the majority of my extended family that supports same sex marriage. It's tough but I know that its incomparable to what any gay person goes through. Being told you don't have control of your life and your dreams because they're 'non-traditional' is unfathomable to me.

The day that this world accepts that love is love is love is the day my heart will smile almost as big as God will be.

An Angel Has Her Wings

Early this morning, surrounded by her mama and daddy, Baby Daphne Dawn Reading returned to Heaven to be with the loving God who put her here on Earth.

When Danielle told me about her passing, she said, "She's just so beautiful and peaceful." I know she is too. She has the kind of peace that only comes when we are again back in the arms of Jesus.

The number of lives she entered and hearts she touched can't be counted.
The strength and will of that baby girl is to be admired.

Against all odds, Daphne made it to 19 days old (today).

The prayers of thousands proved that when hearts full of hope and faith come together before God, He shows us His infinite love through miracles.

No one can say why God chooses to do things the way He does them.
That's why He is God.
He can see so much more than we can.
Hearts can question but that only makes it more difficult for our hearts to let Him in. 

I know that for me, the past two weeks that I have allowed myself to just SEE the miracle of Daphne's life, I have been able to FEEL God.

About 10 days ago, I was feeling all consumed by sadness. I kept thinking, "Poor Danielle and Drew." I asked Mr. Superman how such innocent, perfect, beautiful little souls like Daphne could be given bodies that fail. Why? What he said has been stuck in my head since.

"It's not our job to ask, "Why?". It's our job to trust. You can feel sad because it is sad but don't feel sad for Daphne. She is the lucky one. She gets to be surrounded by love and prayers but when the time comes, she will not have to stay in such a terrible place. Daphne won't ever have to grow up watching this world and witnessing the awful things people do. She is so lucky to get back to Heaven where whether we realize it or not, we all wish we could be more than anything."

He's a smart man that husband of mine and even though its hard to let that thought, that TRUTH, stay at the forefront of my mind, it is the TRUTH.

 Daphne's Miracle

God sent a angel to the Earth...The sweetest angel too  

And for such a tiny little thing, she had so much to do.

She knew she did not have much time upon this Earth to stay,  

She did not waste a single second; she got started right away.

 

Her eyes were bright and sparkly, she took in every turn.
She did not miss a single thing, because Daphne came to learn!

God sent her here to touch the hearts of those He could not reach,
She taught them courage, strength and faith, because Daphne came to teach.

 

Her tiny little body was so full of God above,  

You felt it when you held her, because Daphne came to love.

In 19 days she managed what many never will.  

When she went home to Jesus, her purpose was fulfilled.

She learned and taught, loved and played, she taught her lessons well.
I know God is so proud of her. She's now truly home to dwell.

 

But when you miss her OH-SO-MUCH, you can almost hear Him say,  

Please understand, her work was done...
Daphne did not come to stay.

If you have cards, letters, or anything you wish to send to the family, I can be contacted at

rachelleorgan @ gmail (dot) com

At this time, the family is not in need of monetary donations and would like to extend their immense gratitude for everyone that has shared their story and continues to pray for them. 

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I will continue to have this badge on my blog. Even though Daphne has her wings now, her life and story can continue to change the world and touch countless hearts. Please join me in continuing to spread Daphne's miracle.

Call For Help

I can't even begin to tell everyone how utterly grateful I am for all of your help in sharing Daphne's story!! Even more so, Danielle, Drew and Daphne are feeling every ounce of love, peace, prayers, and thoughts coming their way from thousands of strangers.

I am overwhelmed and humbled to know such incredible and giving people. In the last 24 hours alone, approximately 4800 people have either been told about or read about this precious miracle baby girl.

Its incredible.

Now I need your help once more. Its going to be just as simple as it was to share her story and just as vital to helping this strong little family.

Medical bills are expensive. It takes a lot of money to help miracles along. The world of medicine is truly awe-inspiring but it comes with a price.

The very last thing any of us would ever want to deal with or think about, were it us in a dire and trying situation, would be, "How on Earth are we going to pay for this?" Its more than a nagging thought, it can be a huge weight at the pit of our stomachs.

I have had many people emailing me, asking me what they can send to help Danielle, Drew, and Daphne along this tough road they are currently on. People have already begun to send blankets and little toys, things to make everything just a bit brighter for them. Now, I will say that it takes A LOT of courage to say you need help. It takes an enormous swallowing of one's pride to admit you can't do it all and then ask for the assistance of others. I don't think anyone would dispute that.

Insurance exists.
A necessary evil ;)
Its truly a blessing for Daphne and her family right now.
The other thing about insurance, there are co-pays, deductibles, premiums...

For Daphne's insurance to be covered, Danielle needs to be working. As you can imagine, returning to work while things are still unsure and unstable as far as her baby girl is concerned, is unthinkable yet payments, LARGE payments, still need to be made.

Now here is what can be done to help.

You can contact me @ rachelleorgan @ gmail (dot) com if you are wishing to send either a check or any other monetary donation. I will be able to provide you with the information to be put on a check and a mailing address where it can be received.

If you are a business owner, crafter, have an Etsy shop or any other sort of creative talent you share with the world, there are a few options.

You can offer a promotion in which your products or services will be discounted for a time, then either all or a portion of the proceeds can be put into Daphne's name as well. 

You can hold an online auction where items you wish to sell can be bid on, maybe starting from a  minimum price then either all or a portion of the proceeds can be put into Daphne's name as well.

You could raffle off items, or a collection of items. People who wish to enter pay a small amount and then the raffle proceeds can be put into Daphne's name as well. In a raffle, you could make more money than if you sold off each item at your normal price!

Just think, you'd be doing a small act of heroism for this baby girl and her family. Your talents would be doing SO MUCH GOOD!

In addition to you doing an incredible thing, anyone who hosts any sort of giveaway, auction, raffle, fundraiser... anything, will be featured here on this blog and linked up all over the inter-webs.

I have a few other possible things in the works for fundraising and if any of those things happen, I will share those as well.

PLEASE continue to share Daphne's story and make a small sacrifice by donating in any way to this beautiful little girl.



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Enormous Miracles In Tiny Bodies

Last week, I shared with you all about the tender mercies of God that have been taking place in the life of a very dear friend.

This is Danielle and Drew and their precious baby girl Daphne.

Daphne was born with Trisomy 18, a genetic disorder that is caused by there being 3 pairs of chromosome 18 rather than the normal 2.

The large majority of babies with Tri18 never make it past the womb and the ones that do, are rarely strong enough to live to see outside the NICU and hospital walls. Most deaths are caused by heart abnormalities, loss of kidney function, and other organ failures.

When Daphne was in the womb, doctors told Danielle and Drew that their baby girl would have to undergo major heart surgery after birth. They told the both of them a lot of things in an attempt to prepare them for what they were sure would happen. Thing after thing would crop up, they would try to help her, but in the end, she would pass away.

Daphne was born at 2:20 on January 7th weighing in at 3 pounds 11 ounces. A tiny little angel sent down from God to bless the lives of her mama, daddy, and anyone who would meet her. It took a few days but Daphne was officially diagnosed with Trisomy 18 and things seemed to be getting tougher for her.

A lot of babies with Tri18 end up passing away from complications and episodes of sleep apnea. Daphne's nasal passages and airways are extremely tiny and a couple times, she was unable to recover on her own which spurred nurses to bring her back around from coding. A couple days after she was born, the doctors sat down to seriously discuss with Danielle, Drew, and family about the reality of Daphne's prognosis and their course of action.

When I spoke with Danielle after she had met with all of Daphne's doctors, I was in awe of her strength. She stated everything very matter-of-factly but not in a detached, angry way that one might expect.

"I am so grateful for the time we have had to spend with her so far. It's definitely more than most babies with Trisomy get. We are so lucky. We didn't get a life expectancy but we now have a plan of action. We're going to learn how to take care of her. We will be spending time here at the NICU in the Family Overnight Rooms before they discharge her. Once she is at home, the time frame is typically a week to maybe a couple months."

She went on to tell me how the doctors had stressed emphatically the need to just let nature take its course. It was only more painful for Daphne to keep being brought back around time and time again. Between the two of them, they had discussed and then given a verbal 'Do Not Resuscitate' order. They had fully accepted whatever God's plan was and acknowledged how blessed they were for Danielle having had the opportunity to carry and give birth to Daphne.

On January 14th, the doctors suggested that Daphne didn't have much longer. Maybe a few hours or maybe she would make it through the night. Family and church members who care deeply for Danielle, Drew, and her little girl gathered around and gave that precious baby a name and a blessing.

Daphne Dawn Reading

Daphne's story has spread and there are COUNTLESS people whose lives have been touched and COUNTLESS prayers being said from all over on this baby girl's behalf. She has continued to improve and surprise her doctors. When she was first born, the damage to her heart is what had concerned the doctors the most. Shortly after that, Danielle was told that Daphne wouldn't need the heart operation they had been telling her for months would be necessary. Days have gone by and on January 17th, perhaps the best news yet was given. The holes in Daphne's heart are somehow, inexplicably healing themselves. Danielle, Drew and family members along with so many others including myself, have ZERO doubt as to how and why these miracles keep happening. The prayers and faith and hope of everyone  are healing the holes in her heart. She is alive and fighting because God needs her here on Earth to continue to inspire and teach those around her.

Daphne is now strong enough that today, she was discharged from the NICU in a Scottsdale Hospital. Something that a few days ago, no one was really sure would happen. She was transported to a Hospice House where Danielle and Drew will be given a few more days to transition to having her at home and along with her mom, will be taught about every little thing that will go into Daphne's care. Even with her feeding tube and oxygen, she will soon be at home in her own crib, continuing to bless and enrich the lives of so many people. 

Now Lovelies, this is where you all have the opportunity to be a vital part of this baby girl's life. Pray.

Pray your hearts out and spread the word. 

If you are on Twitter, Facebook, or have a blog of your own, the amount of power you have of spreading the word is monumental. By sharing a link to this post you will be potentially letting thousands of other people know about this miracle of a baby. When praying hearts combine in a joint effort, mountains move and the impossible happens. Just weeks ago, Daphne living was seen as the impossible.

A friend of mine said something about a week ago, when I shared about Daphne on Facebook. It has stuck with me and rings with a truth I rarely feel.

What a blessing. I know that baby girl has the power to change the world. 

She has already begun changing this world.  She won't stop.  Regardless of how long God allows this angel to be here, she will never stop changing this world. Her story and the countless miracles and infinite love she has spread will work wonders of their own. Now you can too. 

Grab the button (thank you Chambanachik!)

Post it on your blog where it can be seen

Keep the miracle going

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Tender Mercies

I have this incredible friend in my life who has continued to leave me in awe of her strength and grace this week. Danielle gave birth to an absolutely beautiful baby girl who was diagnosed with Trisomy 18. Baby Daphne has already touched countless lives and is proof of God's love and existence. Please, please, PLEASE keep Danielle, Drew, and Daphne in your hearts and prayers and no matter how long God allows this angel to stay on Earth, pray for all of the peace and comfort this amazing family deserves. 

We love you guys so very much and are blessed to have you in our lives.

The Reason For The Season

This is one of the coolest things I have ever seen.

What Day Is It?

What day is it?
Is it Friday?
Is it payday?
Is it the end of the work week?
Is it the middle of October?
Is it just another day?
I'm sure to most of you, the answer to all of the questions is yes.

To me, today is not just another day.
Today is October 15th, 2011.
Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Established by President Reagan unofficially in 1988 and then established by President Bush in 2007 and recognized as a National day of remembrance, it does a great service to a cause most people don't give much thought to if they have never gone through it.

Today is a day that I take the time to specifically remember each of our angel babies. Today is a day that I tell myself it is 100% okay to cry about the fact that we never got to meet any of our babies. Today is a day that I have a constant prayer running through my mind, more so now for all of the people who have experienced loss than for myself. Today is a day that my heart hurts. Today is a day that I find myself thanking God more often for His Son and for the gift of the Atonement. Through that, I know I'll not only get to see my babies again, I'll finally get to be the mommy I have wanted to be my entire life to our sweet babies. 

Even though today may just be another day to you, take a moment and say a prayer for those who've suffered the loss no one should ever have to because its not just another day to them.

Great site to donate and support pregnancy and infant loss awareness and to learn more

I'm Glad He Said It, But I Need To Say It Too

If you watch the news, read the newspaper, are involved on Facebook, Twitter, or have ever heard of a Mormon, you probably know all about the mudslinging and name calling one Evangelical pastor has been busy doing. Its all about the Mormon Presidential candidates and how Mormon's should not be allowed into office because we are a cult.

Anyway, if you have read my blog for any length of time, you know that I am a Mormon. You'll also know how difficult it is for me to bite my tongue about something like this. When people come out and say things that are so degrading and hurtful, I get angry and upset and all I want to do is grab them and shake them and make them understand the truth. Honestly, the absolute ignorance of people astounds me. It hurts my heart more than anything else.

There is a wonderful rebuttal article written by another Evangelist that put things into words better than I think anyone could as far as the political argument. Here are a few of my favorite excerpts. Please go read it in full. Its a great justice to not only Mormon's but to other people attacked unrighteously.

"A bigot can be an inexcusable ignoramus who does not understand a group, but insists on opining about them. Another kind of bigot insists on applying irrelevant standards to a person. This is not excusable even if the standards are relevant in a different situation...."

"...To add insult to bigotry, the pastor decided to name call by saying Mormonism is a cult. The use of cult to describe the Mormon faith is foolish and offensive in a political context.

The word cult has many meanings, including a technical religious one. The Mormon Church is not “standard” historic Christianity as Mormons point out in their witness. They think they have something new and valuable to say religiously.

Most of the public does not think doctrine, but danger when they hear the term cult. He imagines scary folk living in compounds drinking Kool-aid, not Harry Reid or Mitt Romney.

In that popular sense, Mormonism is not a cult and should scare no American. Mormons have been faithful citizens, dying in our wars for republican values. Does Rick Perry’s pastor friend acknowledge this truth? Can a Mormon die for the Republic in battle, but still not serve as commander in the White House...?

For mainstream evangelicals such bigoted attacks on Romney are an embarrassment. They often seem to rely on fear of difference, a sense that other groups are “weird.” Everybody seems weird to somebody some time, but loving people get past such feelings. If the Mormon who dies for my freedom doesn’t seem weird, neither should the Mormon politician....

Evangelical Christianity does not place all power in the state and so rejects messianic leaders. We want a president, not a prophet in office. A Mormon cannot be my priest, but he can be my political leader.

Worse is the impact of bigotry on my Mormon neighbor. It is a betrayal of the love Jesus commanded us to show. If I can love my enemy, surely I can easily love the Mormon next door. I hate the pain caused my Mormon neighbor by ignorance and bigotry.

My Mormon friends do not complain or become defensive. Like the Christ, my experience has been resignation and love when my Mormon friends see slander.

Mormons saw their first prophet murdered by an American mob, but still they loyally serve a Republic whose laws have often failed them. They created a paradise in a wilderness and great literature and a first-rate university against all odds..."

In the interview that Anderson Cooper did with this pastor where he says these things about Mormons, he kept saying, "They are not Christians. They don't believe Jesus is the way to salvation." Even when Anderson read directly from our Church's website, he kept spouting of his hate filled rhetoric which was totally false.

Did you know that in the history of the United States, the Mormon religion has been the ONLY religion that has had an extermination order put out on it? Yeah, extermination (and even though not many were killed after hostilities were resolved after our church members  moved West, it wasn't officially repealed until 1976). We are the one and only religion where it has been 100% legal to kill us for the sole purpose of being a Mormon. No other reason. No other religion. There could be no retaliation of course because they'd just kill you for that. Countless people got taken out of their homes and got tarred and feathered, houses burned down, put in prison, driven out of state after state after state.... That's why most of us ended up on the West Coast :) Anyway, its just interesting that he kept bringing up the history of our religion in his interview and what values make up a Christian and yet, the name calling and the holier than thou attitude that guy has going on, is one of the most un-Christlike things that's been said and done in a long, long time. 

I can tell you right now, I AM a Christian. I know that the ONLY way for me to get back to my God is through the Atonement of my Savior Jesus Christ. He is who I follow. He is who I turn to. He is who I love. He is who I know.

I'm a wifey, angel baby mommy, Christian, and a Mormon. Now go spread the word that we're not about to go all David Koresh WACO on you guys okay?

Too Bad One Wasn't A Teratoma

Oh my dearest Lovelies, my dreams have been dashed all to bits!
Last week, I received some news.
Some very shocking, unexpected, nearly unbelievable news.

I went in for my incredibly fun, annual scans to check on my tumors rumtos.
My normal dude wasn't there. Boo.

Helga the Horrible (sporting the non-Brooke Shields unibrow) would not be swayed on telling me anything.

ZILCH.ZIP.NADA.BUTKUS.

She must not have been told how things work around there.
I show up, get my scans, make everyone laugh with my incredibly witty wit, and get sneak preview on what the doctor is going to tell me the next day.

Nix the rules.
They are my bladder, kidney, and thyroid gland tumors rumtos, not Helga the Horrible's!
Who is she to make ME, the super Mrs. S. with all my witty wit, wait?
Where was the justice?!
It must have been on a smoke break or something because even when I offered to tweeze her brow for her, she was not impressed.

Maybe I should have offered to take her for a wax?

Either way, that yatch wasn't giving in so I was forced against my will to wait until my appointment with my Doctuh the next day.

My appointments at The Cancer Center are always super duper long and leave me feeling guilty for having a full head of hair. I wasn't feeling particularly stoked about sitting in the Chemo waiting area to get my injections or the lab to get a bazillion vials of blood drawn for my gene testing, or sitting in the other stuffy waiting room that is full of the hissing sounds of oxygen tanks and the click clack of knitting needles, but it really was all unavoidable.

Mr. Superman hates coming back and wandering from area to area with me and I really do not mind just chilling there with my magazines, so he was up in the main lobby as always. Anyway, my amazing doctor comes in holding all my scans with a very furrowed brow line. He reminded me of Helga.

Imagine this in a super thick Indian accent. Well, his part.

"These are very, very clean."
"You mean... I sat really still?"
"No, they are clear."
"I took a good, non-blurry picture?"
"No, you are fine."
"Uuuhhhh..."

"I do not know what you did but all of your tumors are gone."
"Right. Uh huh."
"I am very confused, I have no explanation, medical or otherwise as to why they are gone. The last time I saw you, we had had such an infinitesimal amount of success, I was worried we were going to have to start going at them much more aggressively. They are gone. I am very confused."

By this point, I didn't even know what to say. I was about as stunned as Helga would be if she woke up with her brow shaved off. We talked some more and he kept assuring me he was not joking. He did not purposely admit to patients when he felt stupid or stumped. As I walked out and headed down to labs, I had this overwhelming feeling of just.... WOW. You know, the feeling all of you get when you think about my amazingness.

Anyway, I got one last round of injections to kill off whatever remaining bad cells I have and I don't see him again until JANUARY! I am getting tested for Lupus and a few other things because my blood disorder and the severity it is manifesting itself isn't making sense to him.

Well, just put it on his tab.

We let our parents know but we wanted to just let it sink in.
Its still surreal.
I'm tumor free.

We know what happened.
We didn't do anything.
God did.
He heard the thousands of prayers from all over the U.S. and He answered them.
I don't need medicine or science to explain this.
I do need to say thank you though.
My gratitude and love for all of you and for our families, is just so overwhelming its nearly inexpressible.

Thank You.

Even though I am no longer invaded by nasty little lump things, I am still a bit devastated.
My dreams of one of those little buggers being a teratoma wasn't realized.
Oh well, Nikki, no tumor in a jar for you.

Because It Was Time

It has been a long LONG while since I've blogged anything of real substance. I think most of us go through this at least once during our big old fancy blogging careers. Its like I hit a plateau and for a long time, I just didn't want to share anything.

At all.

I was sick of people in general. I was so sick of people whining about not being pregnant after a few months of trying or people complaining that they were pregnant yet again. I was sick of people talking to me because it was all so mundane and superficial. Everything was getting under my skin and people and their worries and their complaints just seemed petty and juvenile and its like something just broke. I had zero desire to even leave my house because I was bound to be talked to or whined at. I was bound to overhear people in the store or on base say something that would upset me in one way or another. I had zero desire to be on Facebook because for me, that is the crux of my downward spirals into the black abyss of Grumpinessville. Everyone with their cute babies and pregnancy announcements, and their pictures of their fabulous this or that, and every ounce of complaint or annoyance just bogged me down.

I was so very unhappy and being stuck at home, sick from all my treatments for my tumors just made it all seem so much more magnified. I felt like being done with everything. I wanted to just never talk to anyone because everything that was being said, regardless of the intent behind it, just made me angry or irritated.

I knew it was time to take a major break. A timeout from the world because if I kept doing what I was doing, it would only get worse and no one deserves the feelings I had towards them. No matter how ignorant some people can be or how mean other people are, or how clueless I felt like everyone was, not a single person deserves so much negativity and animosity directed at them, even if they weren't aware of it.

So I did.
I took a break.
I closed my Facebook page.
I sent out emails and made phone calls to family letting them know that unless something was a dire emergency, to not contact me.

It was time to isolate myself.
It was time to spend quality, unimpeded time with my husband.
It was high time to get myself and my feelings straight.

The longer I separated myself, the less I was feeling angry at people's dumb comments, less envious of people's babies and pregnancies, and less sad at just about everything else. I was focusing much more on my health, the amount of rest I really needed, and was able to just really enjoy Mr. Superman's company, without negative thoughts and feelings bombarding me and tainting it.

There were some amazing people who sent me emails and texts and called just trying to see how I was and even though I didn't ever respond, you need to know how very much those little reminders of true friendships helped my heart. You know who you are and I adore you.

I don't think people quite know how deeply and how easily I am affected by the smallest things. I have to try extraordinarily hard to keep my emotions in check, my tongue bitten, and my mind turned towards positivity. Its a constant struggle and this year it seems I have been tested beyond what I often felt I could cope with.

Now that Summer is nearly gone and soon the crispness of Autumn will start to surround us, I've made a promise to myself. When I feel overwhelmed or irritated or if I hit another plateau, I will allow myself a few moments of sadness or anger or jealousy but then I will  

stop, breathe, and then let it all go.

If I have learned anything from this year, its that life happens, there are always bumps in the road, and no matter how strongly we may feel negativity about something, it is never worth the fight and it all needs to be let go.

Yeah, I'm Putting In My 2 Cents

I won't say too much because most people know my political stance but this is undoubtedly and undeniably momentous for us as a nation. We must not lower our guards and please please PLEASE stick to OPSEC and continue to pray for our troops.

A lot of people are speculating and noting the obvious that there will more than likely be a power struggle to take Osama's place. I think its safe to say that's going to happen and yes we have to proceed with caution BUT freaking out and going into a catatonic state of fear and and unrest isn't going to do you or anybody any good. I've already seen rumors and people posting on Facebook about air strikes to bases and such. Just stop. You're not helping.  All military outposts are currently sitting at Fpcon Bravo which for those who don't know means extremely heightened security and is specifically aimed at high risk of terrorist threat.

We are a strong and brave nation. That has been proved time and again. We don't falter, we don't hesitate, and as shown in these recent events, we do not FAIL.

Some quotes, statements and things I have seen posted by friends all over the place. 

Funniest Facebook Page ever: And That's How The USA Outdoes A Royal Wedding

Facebook Statuses:

"The girl married her Prince. The bad guy is dead. It's a real Disney weekend here on Earth."

"We will not tire, we will not falter, we will not fail." - President Bush, 2001. We did not. God Bless America.

"Heard Obama's statement was late because they were digging through the White House attic so he could wear Bush's "Mission Accomplished" flight suit."

"May 1st of 1945: Hitler announced dead - May 1st of 2011: Bin Laden announced dead"

Statement from former President George W. Bush:

"Earlier this evening, President Obama called to inform me that American forces killed Osama bin Laden, the leader of the al Qaeda network that attacked America on September 11, 2001.  I congratulated him and the men and women of our military and intelligence communities who devoted their lives to this mission.  They have our everlasting gratitude.  This momentous achievement marks a victory for America, for people who seek peace around the world, and for all those who lost loved ones on September 11, 2001.  The fight against terror goes on, but tonight America has sent an unmistakable message:  No matter how long it takes, justice will be done."

Statement from Mitt Romney:

"This is a great victory for lovers of freedom and justice everywhere. Congratulations to our intelligence community, our military and the president. My thoughts are with the families of Osama bin Laden's many thousands of victims, and the brave servicemen and women who have laid down their lives in pursuit of this murderous terrorist."

Former State Department spokesman P.J. Crowley said on Twitter:

"#BinLaden's death does not eliminate the threat from #alQaeda, but it is hard to see anyone playing the same organizational role he did."

Seen on a military site:

UNITED STATES HIT LIST:
Saddam Hussein ☑
Osama Bin Laden ☑
Westboro Church ☐

Via a Facebook MilSpouse Page:

Now I lay me down to sleep, one less terrorist this world does keep. With all my heart I give my thanks to those in uniform regardless of rank. You serve our country and serve it well, with humble hearts your stories tell. So as I rest my weary eyes while freedom rings our flag still flies. You give your all, do what you must, with God we live and God we trust. Amen

 

Now I gotta share something spectacular. We've all heard it and most of us have seen it but tonight was the first time ever that I cried while listening to and watching Toby Keith sing.

"Justice will be served and the battle will rage. This big dog will fight when you rattle his cage. You'll be sorry that you messed with the US of A 'Cause we'll put a boot in your ass, it's the American way."

 

I have never been prouder to be the wife of an American Airman. He just returned from 7 months in Afghanistan and continues to serve our country every day. I have never been more overwhelmed with emotion and pride to be living in this country which despite all of its mistakes and politics is truly the best country in the entire world. Keep the love, pride, and prayers going and as always support our troops. 

Little Tid-Bits of History

I'm Mormon. 

I love being Mormon. 

I stand proud amongst the millions of others who believe what I believe and who trust whole-heartedly what I trust.

Did you know that in the entire history of the United States, the Mormon religion is the one and only religion that it was legal to kill a member?

Kind of insane.

I also wanted to share this story here that occurred last winter. The Mormon Tabernacle burned down. It was truly heart-breaking but this came out of it.

The entire painting scorched, ALL except around Christ. How cool is that?

This video gave me chills as the scope and magnitude of the history of my church settled in.

A Piece of Solace

source

When God Calls Little Children

When God calls little children to dwell with Him above,
We mortals sometimes question the wisdom of His love.
For no heartache compares with the death of one small child
Who does so much to make our world seem wonderful and mild.

Perhaps God tires of calling the aged to His fold,
So He picks a little rosebud before it can grow old.
God knows how much we need them, so He takes but a few
To make the land of heaven more beautiful to view.

Believing this is difficult, still, somehow we must try,
The saddest word mankind knows will always be "goodbye."
So when a little child departs, we who are left behind
Must realize God loves little children... Angels are hard to find.

-Author Unknown-

Breathe, Count to Ten, and Let it Go

I had the wonderful opportunity to do a Guest Blogging piece for Katie and I loved every minute of it! Here's what got published on her blog. 

I’ll just start this off by giving a big fatty shout out to Katie and her hunky marine. Woo! Yay for getting married, true love, and all.that.jazz. I happen to adore Katie, consider her a dear friend, and couldn’t be happier for her. Seriously. Now onto the nitty gritty. Katie asked me to write something for her and then pulled a total cop out by saying it could be about anything. Nice. I joke, since whenever I have guest bloggers, I usually cop out too. It just ups the ante a bit and gives me an anxiety attack, but as long as Katie is breathing free, all’s well right? She hinted that it could be marriage advice, marriage stories, anything about marriage… I told her I don’t feel qualified enough to even think about giving marriage advice let alone write it all out for the blogosphere to delve in to. I told Mr. Superman (my much, much better half) this a few weeks back, and the things he said to me helped produce the shnazzy little tid bits below. Enjoy!

I have been married for a little over 3 years now. In those 3 years, I have learned a few things. 

The old advice of, “Never go to bed angry” is definitely at the top of that list. I cannot stress how important this is for Mr. Superman and I. There is nothing worse than having a ruined day/night and lack of sleep due to pride over a little argument. Suck it up, compromise, say you're sorry, go have some sexy time, and get a good nights sleep. 

Another bit of advice has to do with that snarky, sarcastic thing people always say when you're about to get married. “You don’t just marry your partner, you marry their whole family” is something I dislike quite a bit. For me, I don't believe this, I don't live by it, and I sure as heck don't accept it. I go by what my parents always taught me, what my siblings learned from their marriages and passed onto me, and by what the Bible says. ‘God’s Blueprint for Married Couples', a sermon written by Pastor David L. Brown, Ph.D, lays everything out in a pretty straightforward way that I absolutely love. The sermon in its entirety can be found HERE. There are several times in the Bible that the importance of the marriage being between the husband and the wife is stated by God. Not the husband, wife, and each others’ families.

Genesis 2:24 Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.

Matthew 19:5 And said, For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh?

Mark 10:7-8 For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and cleave to his wife; 8 And they twain shall be one flesh: so then they are no more twain, but one flesh.

Ephesians 5:31 For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh.

It is explained what these verses do and do not mean. I think these two points are especially important.

• The husband-wife relationship is now the priority relationship: Your relationship with your parents must now take a back seat to your relationship with your spouse. In fact, all other relationships must now be secondary. (Source)
   
• It means that you are more concerned about your spouse's ideas, opinions, and directives than you are of your parents: Some times there is a power struggle between the two sets of parents. A husband and wife must be careful that they do not allow the parents to manipulate them. (Source)

 Pastor Brown continues on and gives some very good pointers directly to parents.

“Parents, your goal should be to prepare your children to leave, not to stay. As they advance toward maturity you should train them to be independent of you, not dependent on you. Teach them to be decision makers and to manage their money carefully. When your children have married, don't try to run their lives! Don't criticize their spouse. You must allow the husband to be the head of his home, to make decisions for himself, to look to his wife, not you, as his helper and his responsibility. You must encourage your daughter to look to her husband for companionship, encouragement, affection, guidance, etc.”

I could not agree more. I understand every family is different but there is no quicker way to start a fight than throwing in the in-laws. Once you get married, whether you, your spouse, or a parent is having issues, its time to face the music and grow the H up. If issues continue, set boundaries, throw tact out the window, and scream, “Its time to cut the freaking umbilical cord!”

This is a great lead in to another lesson we learned very, very quickly. There are three people in a marriage but it is NOT the mother-in-law. Its you, your spouse, and GOD. I promise though, He won’t be emailing, texting, and calling every day inviting you to dinner or bugging you to come over. He understands the importance of ALONE time and will compromise by blessing you as long as you are doing your part.

Now moving onto to an important lesson, that isn’t just great for marriages and couples, but for individuals as well. It is that  YOU.CAN’T.PLAN.LIFE. Well, you can, but only if you want to see life laugh in your face. Seriously, life, the fate’s, Murphy, the ju-ju fairies, whatever you want to call it, will take it as a personal challenge if they overhear you say, “Oh we have a plan! We are going to do this and this, so then we can do this. We are going to have such and such by this date so then we can accomplish this. Its our plan!” Sshhh, listen. Can you hear that? It’s the roaring laughter of the plan destroying leprechauns thoroughly enjoying the satisfaction of ruining another couple’s plans for the future. 

Example: In the past three years, Mr. Superman and I have experienced the loss of three babies, countless hospital stints, 4 surgeries, a blood disease diagnosis, and a massive amount of medical bill debt most people don't see in a lifetime. We have lost family members as they passed away and friends whom we thought would stick around, but didn't because our lives were too fraught with hardships. We have gone through at least fifty job interviews combined, 12 jobs, 4 states, 5 houses, enlistment into the United States Air Force, months of separation accompanied by varying degrees of communication scaled from none to a little, a deployment that is still underway, and we have been on the brink of losing absolutely everything several times over. Do you want to know a secret? None of this was planned. In fact, almost all of this, minus the enlisting into the USAF, is the complete opposite of what we had planned or what we could have even imagined we'd go through in our lives.

Finally, the point of this post, and the final lesson I'll share. Breathe, count to ten, and let it go. It is something that is undeniably difficult but it is irrefutably helpful and essentially beneficial. When Mr. Superman and I were in pre-marriage 'lessons' with our Bishop, he reiterated something every week that is always at the back of my mind. 'Don't sweat the small stuff and its ALL small stuff.' Seriously. No matter what obstacle is placed in your way, you will get through it and no matter how bad you think it is, it could always be (and most definitely is for someone else) much, much worse. 

Let's re-cap shall we?

• Never go to bed angry= Suck it up and apologize/bite your tongue= Don't sweat the small stuff and its ALL small stuff= Breathe, Count to Ten, and Let it Go
• You don’t just marry your partner, you marry their whole family Leave your parents= Grow up= Its time to cut the freaking umbilical cord= When difficulty with the parents/families arise... Breathe, Count to Ten, and Let it Go
• 3 people in a marriage= Husband+Wife+Parents GOD= Happy marriage. Happy, NOT easy. Ready for it? Breathe, Count to Ten, and Let it Go
• You can't plan life= Be prepared for anything= Come what may and love it= Breathe, Count to Ten, and Let it Go

The One Where I Let It Out

Mr. Superman and I have been together for well over four years and married for just over three. Even though that's a relatively short time, it feels like its been forever, but not in a griping sarcastic way. I mean it in the way that we clicked so fast, so perfectly, so smoothly and everything for us relationship wise has always been border line heavenly that it is hard to imagine my life before him.

Very shortly after we began dating, we knew we would be getting married. Its as cliche as it sounds but when you know, you know. Before we got married, a few months I'd say, we knew we wanted children. Immediately. You know how some people feel drawn towards attending a certain university or feels as if a specific career is their calling in life? For us, we knew that kids is what we wanted. It was the only thing that could have possibly made our love stronger and more perfect.

You all know, we tried.

I wrote all about our Two Angel Babies for the first time a few months ago. I have answered many, many questions about our plans for becoming parents. With my health issues, things were laid out by the doctors in a way that gave us little to no hope of being able to conceive on our own and have me carry a baby to term or even to a time that the baby could be delivered and still live. I was told in February of this year in a post-op appointment that without invitro fertilization, we wouldn't be able to become parents and even then, my chances were below 6%. We were absolutely heart-broken.

A few months later, I was diagnosed with a blood disease called HHT. After speaking with my hematologist on several occasions about the medical issues I've had through out my life and recently with difficulty in getting pregnant, and then the loss of our babies, we discussed treatment options to attempt to bring our odds of success up. He felt that my HHT was a major contributing factor to our losses. The treatment plan worked for most of my HHT symptoms but it made everything else much worse. After researching the long term side-effects of this treatment, which just so happens to be the same thing they give breast cancer patients, I discontinued the use of the medication. Around the same time I was diagnosed with HHT, Mr. Superman and I had discussed with each other and with several doctors our options of birth control for the sole purposes of easing my chronic pain (stupid woman issues) and to prevent us from losing another baby. The only form of BC I had not tried, was an IUD. It hurt like Hades (the doctor said it was because I had never had my uterus expanded by a baby. Well duh there genius, thanks for rubbing it in.) After a couple months it seemed to be doing the job. My pain level was down a smidge which was the essential goal.

Well Lovelies, it didn't work.

On October 19, 2010, I woke up feeling a bit scared (I was facing the re-opening of some old wounds) but hopeful for a semi-decent day. It was my 3-year wedding anniversary and I was expecting a gift delivered via UPS from my darling husband who's love I could feel from 8,000 miles away. I had plans to go shopping and maybe get a pedicure, you know, because it was my freaking anniversary! Let me just say now, that my day couldn't have hardly been any worse or gone any different than what I had expected. The re-opening of old wounds was horrendous. It was dramatic but more than that, it was terrifying and lonely having to do it alone. After that, I realized that the abdominal pain I had been having for about two weeks was getting much, much worse. I decided I had better kip into the Urgent Care and see what was going on. I had suspicions that it was a ruptured cyst that had arrived about two weeks before Mr. Superman deployed. Boy was I wrong.

Within two hours I was once again given the worst news I have ever received. I was losing another baby. Another baby we had not thought probable let alone possible. It had torn away from my uteran wall and I was in very real danger of my uterus itself splitting open, causing massive internal bleeding which in turn would either land me in the hospital for months or kill me. My HHT complicates everything but when it comes to internal bleeding, it makes it nearly impossible to do anything, medically, to stop it. One more reason we know its a miracle I survived my ectopic last February. I was asked if I had a primary care doctor or an OB here in AZ. I said no. I was asked if I had anybody in the waiting room. I said no. They asked if they could call my husband to come pick me up. I actual laughed at that one. If only right? I called my sister and my mother and let them know. My mother asked me repeatedly if she could come and be with me. I insisted she didn't because the doctor was almost finished and I would be heading home to my sister's. They removed my IUD, wrote me a prescription for an antibiotic, a mild pain medicine, and nausea pills. I was told 14 days strict bed rest for my uteran lesions to heal enough to no longer be in the danger zone of internal bleeding and a follow up with my OB.  I drove home in a daze.

For the last month, I have been in shock. I have been at a loss for words and the ability to outlet my emotions into something else has failed me. I have questioned, re-questioned, and continued to doubt if I could have done something different. Right after Mr. Superman left, we both began to have dreams and feelings about getting pregnant, being pregnant, and delivering a baby. I laughed it all off and refused to take a test. Taking a test that would turn out the be the 200th some-odd negative result would only depress me. I asked the doctors if I could have done something and was told that no, there was no prevention to the uteran wall tear. After all of that sank in, I began to question. You know, the age old question of WHY? Why would God allow this? Why allow me to once again get pregnant, but before I even realize it, take another baby away? Why have this happen when I was at my most vulnerable and alone. My husband is in the middle of a very real war-zone over 8,000 miles away. There is absolutely nothing he could do to comfort me and having to tell him would only cause him extreme pain and stress. Telling Mr. Superman was the second hardest thing I have ever had to tell him. I could see the worry and fear in his eyes.

I can honestly say, without fear of offending anyone, that I can count on one hand the amount of people who get it. Out of those three people, only one has suffered a loss so deep that I cannot even begin to imagine what she has gone through. Her attempts in helping me, to comfort me, have left me awed at her strength and selflessness. Being able to correspond with her though, and open up to her, has helped. Only a tiny, microscopic bit, but it has helped. Emily, you know I'm talking about you. I was able to confide in her that I felt as if I had not even begun to mourn and I had people acting as if nothing had happened or that I should already be over it. Let me say this, it hasn't even been a month yet. There is no time line for grief or mourning. There is no right or wrong way to do it. No matter how much I may seem okay or able to deal, it is 95% a facade. I have lost a friendship so very dear to me in the course of all of this which has made it all the more difficult. Losing anybody, let alone a child, is something you never, ever get over whether that child be 8 weeks along in conception, 4 months, a year old, 12 years old, or 60 years old. It is one of the impossibly difficult, seemingly unconquerable hurdles thrown into people's lives when they least expect it that tests us to our cores.

So there you have it. We now have 3 Angel Babies awaiting us on the other side. Its a very bittersweet notion. I think it always will be. Some days, most days, I ache all over from the emotional pain. It has been unspeakably heart-wrenching to go through this without my best friend, my husband, and the other half of my heart by my side. This is one of those things that you just don't want to believe and yet no matter how often you tell yourself it isn't real, or how many times you close your eyes in hopes that when they open, it will all have been a horrible dream, it just doesn't go away. You always want to believe things will get better and I know, deep, deep down, that it will. Eventually.

Right now I take it one day at a time. I still feel as if it was truly, one of the most unfair things I have had placed upon me, but then I think about how much worse it all could have been and I regret being angry at my Heavenly Father. He is in control and He by far, is the only one who knows why. It is human nature to question everything, especially in our weak moments, but human nature is not an excuse. He knows my capabilities much better than I could even guess at which is why I have not yet given up. That along with the fact that I have to be whole and healthy when Mr. Superman steps off that bus next year.

Working on the Seemingly Impossible

Sources: Wikipedia, LDS.org

"Forgiveness is typically defined as the process of concluding resentment, indignation or anger as a result of a perceived offense, difference or mistake, and/or ceasing to demand punishment or restitution.

The Oxford English Dictionary defines forgiveness as 'to grant free pardon and to give up all claim on account of an offense or debt'.

The concept and benefits of forgiveness have been explored in religious thought, the social sciences and medicine. Forgiveness may be considered simply in terms of the person who forgives including forgiving themselves, in terms of the person forgiven and/or in terms of the relationship between the forgiver and the person forgiven. In some contexts, forgiveness may be granted without any expectation of restorative justice, and without any response on the part of the offender (for example, one may forgive a person who is incommunicado or dead). In practical terms, it may be necessary for the offender to offer some form of acknowledgment, apology, and/or restitution, or even just ask for forgiveness, in order for the wronged person to believe himself able to forgive.^[1]

Most world religions include teachings on the nature of forgiveness, and many of these teachings provide an underlying basis for many varying modern day traditions and practices of forgiveness. Some religious doctrines or philosophies place greater emphasis on the need for humans to find some sort of divine forgiveness for their own shortcomings, others place greater emphasis on the need for humans to practice forgiveness of one another, yet others make little or no distinction between human and/or divine forgiveness."

I know my own religion teaches us that we must forgive. For us to be the people we are supposed to be, forgiveness is not only mandatory but a key to us achieving our full potential and true happiness.

Forgiveness is, for lack of a better word, hard. I'm not talking about getting up with out hitting snooze hard or working out every day and avoiding that cupcake hard but really, genuinely, my life has been altered and I am horribly affected daily, how can I possibly forgive, hard.

I'm trying. I am. Some days its a little bit easier to grasp the possibility while all the rest its simply unfathomable. I saw this video and it inspired me. Its beautiful. Please take a look.

“When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free.” --Catherine Ponder

“The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.” --Mahatma Gandhi 

"Somehow forgiveness, with love and tolerance, accomplishes miracles that can happen in no other way." --Gordon B. Hinckley