Pillow Talk: Charles Barkely Meets I'm Not A Camel Edition

Yes Lovelies, I'm still here.

I know my guest bloggers ended what seems like forever ago but between Mr. Superman going back to work a couple weeks ago and me switching my sleeping schedule around again so I can spend time with him, blogging has taken a super far back seat. I'm talking more than just sitting behind the driver in a Camry backseat. I mean short kid who can't see over his brothers head in the back seat of a Suburban full of a Mormon family and 6 other screaming kids so his tiny little voice can't be heard kind of backseat. Yeah.

Regardless, I have been finding time to read just not commenting so don't think I've completely neglected you all. So Mr. Superman's back at work working mid-shift. For people unfamiliar with this lovely little time frame that means he leaves the house Sunday through Thursday at 10:30 PM and doesn't return until the following morning until about 0930 and that's if he gets let out "on time". So much for 9 hour shifts eh? That's what happens when half the base returns from deployment only to have the other half be their "relief". The base doesn't slow down too much here but it does mean more work and longer shifts with way less manpower.

Yayyy.

Our pillow talk didn't involve pillows but it was early morning when most of the world was sleeping. I texted him to let him know of a very dire situation I was facing. I was whining via text.

Warning: I am a bit crass so maybe in-laws should stop reading now. 

Me: I drank all the water and now I'm firstyyyyy
Him: So drink the fridge water lover. Just put lots of ice in it.
Me: Its yuckyyyyy
Him: You haven't even tried it.
Me: I have. Before you ever even lived here. Duh.
Him: I see. Then I suppose you might die from thirst. I will mourn you.
Me: Have fun jacking off.
Him: I won't. I will miss you turribly.
Me: Charles, you need to get water on your way home.
Him: We can go when we wake up.
Me: I'm not a camel. I need h2o.
Him: Well I cannot currently help you. AND you are a camel because you only need water like once a month or so.
Me: FALSE. You are faaaalssseee.
Him: Nope. Nope not ever.

Pillow Talk: A Bear Ate It Edition

 

My BFF Forever Nikki has this thing she always says to her husband, or pretty much anyone, whenever anything goes wrong or missing. 

"A bear ate it." 

Its logical right? 

It happens all the time. 

Well since I'm with her, well, a ton, her phrases rub off on me. Yeah. That's where tonight's edition of Pillow Talk comes from. 

Me: Tell me I have to get my packing done tomorrow. I'll listen if you tell me I have to do it, just like you told me I had to put my registration sticker on. You told me, I did it, and now its done.

Him: Sweetie, you have to get your packing done tomorrow.

Me: Okay. Okay wait. Now that I'm thinking about it... I don't know where my registration is. I mean, I put the sticker on my license plate and then... I have no idea where the actual paperwork is. Crap. That's bad.

Him: How do you lose it right after you put the sticker on? I just don't get...

Me: Its not my fault. It either sprouted legs and ran away... or a bear ate it.

Him: Really? That's what you're going with?

Me: You tell me. Which one is more probable?

Him: Are we really doing this?

Me: Yes. Its the truth, I had no control over it.

Him: Well if we are indeed doing this and if its based solely on the probability of your registration disappearing under one of these two circumstances, then I'd have to go with a bear ate it.

Me: Hey, you said it, not me.

Pillow Talk: Heart Attack Edition

So even though Mr. Superman is in the middle of a war zone in Afghanistan, we have still been able to have some conversations that I think of as Pillow Talk. 

This one took place about two weeks ago and I kept forgetting to blog about it. 

He nearly gave me a heart attack and it had nothing to do with all the background noise I have grown accustomed to hearing.

Him: So I need to ask you something and I really need you to be honest about it.

Me: Okay. (My heart is pounding so freaking hard)

Him: Did you ever date a guy named Jesse?

SILENCE

I am furiously racking my brains trying desperately to remember whether or not I ever dated someone named Jesse, casually or not, and under what circumstances he'd run into my husband in Afghanistan and just somehow connect it all together.

Him: So did you?

Me: Um... not that I can think of but there could have been... maybe... or it could technically not be considered dating... or... um. I'm so sorry baby I can't say yes or no with full honesty because I don't know. (I am nearing hyperventilation state by this time, feeling horribly bad and guilty)

Him: Hmmm. You sure?

SILENCE

I am internally freaking out

Me: No babe, I'm not but I really don't think so.

Him: That's too bad.

Me: Why? (Confused now)

Him: Because I have ALWAYS wanted to say that I ended up with Jesse's Girl.

Me: Are you freaking serious right now? Really? You gave me a heart attack and had my mind reeling and feeling so guilty all because of that! Nice.

Pillow Talk: Even From Far Away Edition

**Post Edit** (Mr. Superman pointed out that I left out what he called, "The icing on the cake" of the conversation. Enjoy.)

Its been a long time since I threw a Pillow Talk on here and called it dunzo.

Last night/this morning, my computer began ringing and I found my husbands fuzzy pixelized head sitting on my bed. It was the first time in a long time we got to talk and for a long uninterrupted amount of time.

Me: Oh my gosh baby, Ryan Reynolds and Scarlett Johansson are getting divorced.
Him: I know that's crazy.

Thinking to myself, how the H does he have time to find that out??

Me: So I guess its our turn. I'll jump on Ryan Reynolds, you go get Scarlett.
Him: Alright, I guess this is it. I'll be seeyin' ya. Its been real.
Him: You know what, I'd rather have Rachel McAdams. Let me know when she's single.
Me: Shoot. I'd take Rachel McAdams over Ryan Reynolds. Lets do this.

I love that man. He makes me smile even from far away.

Pillow Talk: Dolly Parton & Balloon Animals

I know its all ya'lls favorite thing ever. Pillow Talk!

I'm sure you all know about men and their fascination with breasts. Well mine (The Twins) are hefty a pain in my back healthy large and at age 22 I know they are already not so perky because of their size and the fact that I spent so much time in not-so-supportive sports bras dancing and playing basketball. I am always telling Mr. Superman about how I want a lift. Earlier this week, he finally came up with a solution.

Him: I'll get you a lift. Maybe when you're like 60 we'll get you a lift or implants and you can have the boobs of a 22 year old again. Only better. We'll get you helium implants so they can be huge but super lightweight. You'll never have to worry about them sagging because they'll float and be really perky. Better than Dolly Parton.

Me: But baby they'll pop! Helium balloons pop so easily. It'll be horrible because then they'll pop and I'll just have extra skin flapping around. It'll be super gnarly.

Him: No, no, no, no. It'll be like when you push on a balloon and it just kind of goes to the side.

Me: Whatever. This is ridiculous. I just want a real lift.

SILENCE. I ROLL OVER IN BED TO GO TO SLEEP.

Him: (Under his breath at this point) I wonder if I could make animal balloons out of them...

Pillow Talk: Did You Smoke Pot at Work?

Let me preface this by saying that Mr. Superman nor I smoke weed. I know I have to put that out there because SOMEONE is bound to think the contrary. 

I started work this week. I would drop Mr. Superman off at base, come home to veg a bit, get ready, then head to work myself. After getting off work, I would come home, veg for 20 minutes, then head to base to pick him up. This ensued after being home together for a little while and I was smoochin' my man. I had also been complaining of hunger for a while.

Him: What is that?

Me: What?

Him: You smell like weed.

SILENCE

Me: What!?

Him: Seriously you do.

Me: You are crazy.

PROCEED SMOOCHING

Him: Okay, you REALLY smell like weed.

Me: Is it my hands? (Has him smell my hands)

Him: No.

Me: Is it my hair? (Puts head down so he can smell it.)

Him: Nope.

Me: Is it my breath? (Kisses him again)

SILENCE

Him: Yes! 

SILENCE

Him: What do you do at work babe?

Me: Oh come on, you can't be serious!

SILENCE

Me: I swear that's not why I'm starving either.

Him: Nice.

Pillow Talk: Shine Baby Shine!

Let me set it up for you. Mr. Superman and I sitting on the couch just hanging out. I grab the lap top and decide it is time we start taking pictures again. We used to take pictures ALL the time and now we never do. I pull up Photobooth and this ensues.

Me: Baby take a picture with me. No do your real smile, come on, stop being a nerd.
Him: I always have a glare, I hate it.
Me: Sweetie we've talked about this. You think its a much bigger deal than it is. You're bald, you're bound to have a glare. Its fine. I love your bald head.

SILENCE

Him: (Looking at me with a death stare combined with a "Did you seriously just say that?" look) I was talking about a glare on my GLASSES.

Me: Oh.

SILENCE

Him: Nice.

Pillow Talk: What if...

If you haven't learned by now, Mr. Superman and I have some pretty interesting conversations. I'm used to it for the most part, but other times, Mr. Superman will make a statement or ask a question that literally has me going, "Where the H did that come from?" Upon Mr. Superman getting undressed for me to give him a hair cut and then shower, he discovered he had a bug bite under his nipple (I couldn't resist throwing in the nips). It was pretty large and extremely irritated. He had no idea where it came from and when I asked if it hurt, this conversation occurred.

Me: Oh my gosh, that's huge! Does it hurt?
Him: Well it didn't but now that I can see it and am thinking about it, it hurts really bad.
Me: Oh dear.

A few minutes later after afore mentioned haircut and shower.

Him: Hey baby, if this bug bite gets serious and ends up paralyzing me from the nipples down, would you still love me and take care of me forever?
Me: Of course sweetheart.
Him: Even if I live to be a hundred?
Me: How about I just take care of you until I die?
Him: Very well.

SILENCE

Him: Hey baby, if you ever got paralyzed from the nipples down, could we still do it?
Me: Sure sweetie.
Him: Could I wax you every once in a while since you wouldn't be able to feel it?
Me: I would fully expect you to.

SILENCE

Me: Do you know, I thought you were about to be really sweet and tell me you would take care of me forever.
Him: What? Those things don't count?

Pillow Talk: Another Nipple Rendition

It's the weekend. YES!
We had another nipple incident in the S. household this morning. Another, lying in bed and nipples were involved, incident. This time, I was awake too. Don't worry, I wasn't trying to get some but nipples were definitely involved. Confused? Here we go.

Me: Morning Sweetheart
Him: Morning. Did you sleep well?
Me: I suppose.

SILENCE 

Him: What are you thinking about?
Me: Your nipple hair is staring at me.
Him: Are you being serious?
Me: Yes. It's taunting me. If you had back hair, it'd be staring at me too.
Him: Maybe you should go back to sleep. I think you have problems if you are hearing taunts and seeing stares from imaginary hair.
Me: You do know that if you ever did get back hair, that it is not acceptable and I'd be waxing those suckers right?
Him: Whatever you say babe.
Me: I mean chest hair is fine. It's acceptable. Back hair though, is N A S T Y. I just can't do it. It's gnarly.
Him: Okay.

SILENCE 

Him: You sure you don't want to go back to sleep and re-do the 'Good Morning' conversation?
Me: Nope, I'm good.


If you missed last week's nipple episode, go HERE to catch up.

Pillow Talk: What I Do To My Man at Night

Some of our recent pillow talk actually took place while I was in bed and Mr. Superman was getting all ABU'ed up.
Him: "Why were you playing with my nipples last night?"
Me: "What!? What are you talking about?"
Him: "I guess it wasn't really last night. It was 5 AM'ish and I had been waking up a little. I thought you were already awake because then you got super cuddly and started playing with my nipples."
Me: "I have no idea what you are talking about. Seriously."
Him: "Really? You always get frisky in the middle of the night and do things like that. If I weren't trying to sleep I'd really enjoy it but when I'm sleeping I just wonder why you're being so mean."
Me: "Because I play with your nipples?"
Him: "Yeah among other things."
Me: "Well Sweetie, I really don't remember that at all. It must've been another act of sleep-weirdness. I suppose we can just add it to the list of things I do while sleeping making it true that I really do do EVERYTHING in my sleep. Really though, I don't know why you're complaining. Most guys would love if their woman was trying to get all up on them in the middle of the night."