Love Is Love Is Love

In my years of blogging and social media, I can't tell you how many posts I've read where the writers prefaced whatever they were going to say with something akin to, "I'll lose friends/readers/followers over this but I don't care, its what I know/believe/will stick with..." I've always been a person who lacks a filter. I'm honest, sometimes brutally so and when it comes to certain things, especially things I'm passionate about, I'm in your face without regret. I don't believe I've ever written something like that before but I'm about to. 

I can, without a single second of hesitation say that because of what I'm about to share, I will lose friends/readers/followers but I cannot say that I do not care. I do care because if you find yourself irritated or disappointed at what you read and you have any thoughts of no longer having an investment in this blog of mine (or my life) then please, PLEASE walk away. I encourage questions and discussions and different opinions and insights but I have absolutely no room in my life for people who I can't take at face value. If in your mind I am any less of a person at the end of this as I am right now but you insist on not sharing that with me, again I say, please, PLEASE walk away.

It's one thing to stand up for what you believe is right and a wholly other to discriminate and say you do so for God. I believe in God. I worship God. I love God. I know God wants me to strive to be like Him, loving all and judging none. 

Love is love is love. 

Opposing LGBT Groups and same sex marriage strikes me as belonging to the same level of hate and bigotry as that regarding biracial relationships and bi-religious marriages. Hitler's ideas regarding the purity of race were/are seen as hateful, spiteful, derogatory, disgusting, and any other terrible word you can think of. To him and his followers though, they were not only inspired but 1000% justified. During the time of slavery, black people were seen as nothing more than animals and property to be sold and used and dealt with as such. The people who owned slaves and truly believed there was/is a pecking order in race also felt 1000% justified. Any decent human being would agree that Hitler and racists are people who didn't/don't deserve to breathe the same air as the rest of us. 

So why, WHY is there still so much hate regarding certain people?

Hate exists and discrimination occurs because of fear. Fear of change and fear of new things and things that are different and difficult for those on the outside to understand. 

That's it. 

Fear. Not anything else. 

It has nothing to do with loyalty to or belief in God. God loves without condition and never stops. He never takes pause. I've always believed that. I'll always believe that. I've always known that but until a couple years ago I didn't truly grasp what that means to its fullest depths.

Can I tell you a secret? I used to be THAT person. The person who once voted against gay marriage. Why? I had certain ideas and beliefs drilled into my head that its what God wanted me to do. So I did. And guess what? I didn't feel like a better person. I didn't feel like I had done what God wanted me to do. I didn't get a surge of pride for doing my Christian duty to 'protect' what has become known as traditional marriage.       
A friend of mine who also happens to have a blog, wrote the BEST post/essay/article/declaration/anything I have ever read in my entire life, addressing this very thing. Traditional marriage, defending it, dissecting it, exploring it and Lovelies, its truly and perfectly flawless. She's amazing with all her facts and research and eloquent and graceful writing.  


How To Be A Sort-of-Traditional Mormon Defending Non-Traditional Marriage

Thanks Christine. 

I look back now and cringe at what I was always spouting and preaching. I really was just spewing rhetoric without a second thought. 

I was right! God only wanted boys and girls to love each other romantically! Love the sinner, hate the sin! 

Nothing could make me doubt and no one could change my mind.

I have no idea exactly when my beliefs evolved into what they are now. All I know is somewhere along the way I began to ask myself why it was so important that a man and a woman be the only people allowed to love each other freely and get married. Not just why it was important but why on Earth was it so vitally important to ME that "traditional marriage" be protected. 

I found out that it wasn't. Who was I to 'take a stand' and tell people who were no less of a child of God than I that they were wrong to love who they loved and that because they loved a little differently than me, they could not marry the love of their lives? The answer to that question is that I am no one. It's not my place nor will I ever claim that it is again.

I look at the people who surround me. My family, my friends, people I work with, people I interact with here in Blog and Social Media Land... and I am in awe. 

They are all different. 
Some are married.
Some are single.
Some are straight.
Some are gay.
Some are Christians.
Some are Atheists.
Some are boys.
Some are girls.
Some I adore.
Some I barely tolerate. 

Why am I in awe? Because I know that they belong to God just like me. They are human, just like me. They are capable of incredible things and making mistakes, just like me. They hurt and feel joy, just like me. They cry, laugh, think, live and love, just like me. 

I've thought many, many times what it would feel like to be told that I couldn't do something because of some other circumstance. 

You can't drive an SUV because you have freckles! You can't write a novel because you suck at math! You can't be married to Mr. Superman because he has blue eyes and yours are green!

Silly right?
Ridiculous and absurd?
No one would ever have the right to make any of this real!

Once upon a time women couldn't vote nor could blacks. Once upon a time it was legal for a husband to rape his wife because it was her duty to have sex with him. Once upon a time marriages were null and void if one of the parties had lost their virginity prior to being married. Once upon a time if you stepped on a crack you could fall and break your mothers back.

If it had been illegal for my Catholic Father-In-Law to marry my Mormon Mother-In-Law, I wouldn't have my incredible husband and therefore would be dead.  

Lovelies, everyone on this Earth is here because of a loving God. Each and every one of us means the same to Him and each and every one of us deserves everything this life has to offer. What do I think this entails? 

To be free to love and be loved by whomever our heart chooses because that's what it boils down to. Our hearts choose. When it comes to who our hearts choose, they beat out the rhythm God intended from the beginning. Wildly, freely, endlessly, and without discrimination or limits. 

Love is love is love.

To believe otherwise is no honor to God and attempting to justify what is nothing short of discriminatory by saying anything to the contrary makes not only a bigot but a liar also.

It's not easy being different. I am the only person within my immediate and also within the majority of my extended family that supports same sex marriage. It's tough but I know that its incomparable to what any gay person goes through. Being told you don't have control of your life and your dreams because they're 'non-traditional' is unfathomable to me.

The day that this world accepts that love is love is love is the day my heart will smile almost as big as God will be.

How? Why? What Do I Do?

Hey there Lovelies and Dolls!
I hope y'all are doing fabulous and fantastic. Me? I'm in between states of being and unsure of how I feel. My heart doesn't quite know where it is in the midst of... well, everything.

I thought when I started blogging again, sharing and opening up more, things would get easier. When I say that I mean that instead of harboring everything I feel and think on the inside and having it take its toll on me and everyone around me, I thought I was ready to open old wounds and pour the salt in them that is exploring and working through and eventually resolving and moving on.

There has been a sort of pattern with me and this blog of mine the last couple of years. Tough things happen, I close off, take a step back, time passes, I feel like I'm ready to share, and then the reception of what I just shared with other people leads me back to the belief that closing off and internalizing is the way to go.

Before my rape, I NEVER cared about what others thought about me or how others felt about me. In the 48 hours afterward I had been poked, prodded, scraped, examined, photographed, questioned, interrogated, accused, and every other mortifying, intrusive, demeaning thing you could possibly imagine by no less than 10 different people of which only 3 were female. I was forced to relive every terrible second of my attack 4 different times with four different people. Those 48 hours are in my opinion, without a doubt, the 48 hours that completely changed my mind, my heart, and how I myself down to the deepest depths react to human interaction whether it be face to face or via phone or internet conversations.

I got put on the defensive when accusations were thrown around that I was making it all up. Are you kidding me? My swollen and bruised throat, my arms, thighs, and chest were covered in cuts and huge hand print bruises yet I was making it all up? Then it was suggested that my husband was responsible. When that was first said aloud to me I wanted to recant EVERYTHING because I was absolutely terrified my husbands career was going to be ruined because of the blatantly ignorant beliefs of the people over my case. Since then I have tiptoed very lightly when it comes to opening up and sharing. It makes me sick with worry and anxiety but I get brave and I open the flood gates. I get an outpouring of support and encouragement and love from the vast majority but there are the few who feel the need to degrade me even further with their words full of hate and lies.

What am I supposed to do? Just a few years ago I wouldn't have batted an eye or thought twice about people being rude or hateful toward me. They were inconsequential and their words and opinions even less so. Now? I start to shake, my heart races, my throat closes, I feel vomit about to come up, my eyes cloud over with tears and then terror and hurt and just indescribable angst takes over and paralyzes me.

Its pure hell.
But its also my reality.
It feels like weakness.

Last week I told a friend that I can't stand that these people still have such complete control over me. That when I made the decision to stop hiding this terrible thing that happened to me and finally open up and be honest about it, that would be the first step to getting better and becoming free. Then I get  an email or a comment and it leaves me completely downtrodden and back at square one wishing I had never talked about it at all.

"You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.' You must do the thing you think you cannot do. "

~ Eleanor Roosevelt

I'm waiting for Eleanor's words to take immovable root in my heart and mind as truth. I don't know how to make it happen but there has to be an infinitesimal glimmer of hope deep inside of me somewhere otherwise I would have given up a long time ago. 

Choices.

Do you think there are ever moments in our lives where if we had done just one thing different, no matter how small, we wouldn't be where we are today?

Think about that.

Now do you believe that our lives are on the courses they're on because that's the way its always been planned? Maybe not destiny per say, but regardless of the decisions we've made, we are exactly where we're supposed to be? Even if we had taken the left fork of the road instead of the right, we'd still end up in the same place?

I've always had the mantra of "No Regrets!" because without every single one of the decisions and choices I've made, the people I've let into my life, I wouldn't be the person that I am right now. I've also been raised with the belief that our lives, our families, every obstacle that is thrown in our way, was CHOSEN by us, for us before we came down here to do the whole Earth thing.
 
I chose to lose my babies?
I chose to be raped?
I chose to not be able to have kids?

Most of the time, that is REALLY hard for me to reconcile myself to but I think deep down, I still believe it.

Back in the summer of 2009, Mr. Superman was gone at BMT and I was living with my parents in Arizona. I ended up having surgery and getting my gall bladder and appendix removed about 3 weeks before I was to drive the 17.5 hours from Gilbert, AZ to San Antonio, TX to attend his BMT graduation. While living with my parents and confined to the couch, I tried to acquaint myself with the military world. I read everything I could, blogged about my end of the BMT experience and posted his letters, discovered military blogs, joined military spouse forums and found a military spouse Facebook group that allowed you to connect with the significant others of the people that were also at BMT and would be graduating the same time as your loved one.

After weeding out the whiners and crazies, or so I thought, I began regular correspondence with 4 military wives whose spouses were going through BMT at the same time as Mr. Superman and who would all be graduating the same weekend as him. It was a HUGE relief to be able to talk with other wives that were going through all of the same emotions as I was and as his graduation drew closer, I got more and more excited to not only see my husband but to also meet these girls who seemed so nice and who had made this experience a tad easier.

Now at this time, I had never even heard any of the stereotypes regarding military wives and tales of infidelity, contract marriages, drama llamas and I had NO idea what a tag chaser was.

My good friend guest blogged for me a while back and actually inconspicuously shared her thoughts about this very thing. Drama Llamas and the very people involved in this story which you can read HERE. She says it perfectly. As new spouses to the military lifestyle, you develop friendships and trust very quickly despite the oft times shallow and superficial nature of the people in the relationship. 

Oh naivety. 

I think I just automatically assumed that other women going through this huge lifestyle change and transition just like me, would be sweet, kind, and full of pride and love for their husbands. Little did I know that one of these women would soon be a part of the most horrendous thing that has ever happened to me.

I made the long drive to San Antonio with a friend and the few days spent there were so much fun. Seeing Mr. Superman at the Airman's Run was a shock. That crazy kid had lost 35lbs and 4 1/2 inches off his waist! Watching his flight at the Coin Retreat Ceremony was the first time I experienced that overwhelming pride inside my chest. The sting of tears in my eyes, my heart beating and racing so fast I thought everyone around me could hear it, the smile so huge my face hurt. I've felt that same pride innumerable times since then and it has got to be one of the most incredible things that comes with this military lifestyle that I am SO grateful for. Being able to come down from the stands and search for my man was chaotic but the minute I saw him and got that first tight hug, everyone and everything disappeared.

In the course of all of the events that weekend, I was able to meet up with two of the four wives I had been corresponding with and it just so happened that one of them had a husband who was in Mr. Superman's Brother Flight. She was a bit young but seemed to love her husband and told me she couldn't stand to be away from her husband for another 3 months while he attended Tech School in Wichita Falls, TX so she was renting an apartment down there. I was a bit envious so without giving it a second thought, I jumped at her invitation to pay half the rent and come down there too.

See Mr. Superman every weekday for an hour or two and longer every weekend? Yes please! Plans were made for this girl to drive down to Wichita Falls and leave her belongings and car with a friend, get on a flight to Arizona where I would pick her up and she would drive with me from Arizona to where our husbands were. She made a point to let me know flying was never an issue because her mom was a flight attendant. Nice! After driving the 17.5 hours from Lackland AFB back to my parents house in Arizona, I packed everything up, picked up this new friend from the airport, loaded my car, and began the 24 hour drive to Shepard AFB.

Looking back now at my choices leading up to me being in Wichita Falls, TX on October 4, 2009, I view everything differently. Every single conversation, every single thought and nagging feeling. Certain things seem so clear and obvious now while others, I don't know if I'll ever truly understand. I told you that I have a hard time reconciling myself to the belief that before I left God, I chose to live this life I'm living. The hurdles placed in my path, the hardships I've faced, and the heartache I've felt... I chose all of it. Regardless of what you or I believe, none of us has the power to hit the rewind button or the delete button. The things that have happened to us, the things we have done, the years that we have behind us, they happened, they were, and that fact won't all of the sudden cease to be.

I was naive.
I was betrayed.
I was raped.
I was choked nearly to death.
I was humiliated.


“But the past cannot be changed, and we carry our choices with us, forward, into the unknown. We can only move on.”
― Libba Bray, The Sweet Far Thing

To read the other posts where I open up about my attack, they can be found on my 'I Am A Rape Survivor' page. 

Enormous Miracles In Tiny Bodies

Last week, I shared with you all about the tender mercies of God that have been taking place in the life of a very dear friend.

This is Danielle and Drew and their precious baby girl Daphne.

Daphne was born with Trisomy 18, a genetic disorder that is caused by there being 3 pairs of chromosome 18 rather than the normal 2.

The large majority of babies with Tri18 never make it past the womb and the ones that do, are rarely strong enough to live to see outside the NICU and hospital walls. Most deaths are caused by heart abnormalities, loss of kidney function, and other organ failures.

When Daphne was in the womb, doctors told Danielle and Drew that their baby girl would have to undergo major heart surgery after birth. They told the both of them a lot of things in an attempt to prepare them for what they were sure would happen. Thing after thing would crop up, they would try to help her, but in the end, she would pass away.

Daphne was born at 2:20 on January 7th weighing in at 3 pounds 11 ounces. A tiny little angel sent down from God to bless the lives of her mama, daddy, and anyone who would meet her. It took a few days but Daphne was officially diagnosed with Trisomy 18 and things seemed to be getting tougher for her.

A lot of babies with Tri18 end up passing away from complications and episodes of sleep apnea. Daphne's nasal passages and airways are extremely tiny and a couple times, she was unable to recover on her own which spurred nurses to bring her back around from coding. A couple days after she was born, the doctors sat down to seriously discuss with Danielle, Drew, and family about the reality of Daphne's prognosis and their course of action.

When I spoke with Danielle after she had met with all of Daphne's doctors, I was in awe of her strength. She stated everything very matter-of-factly but not in a detached, angry way that one might expect.

"I am so grateful for the time we have had to spend with her so far. It's definitely more than most babies with Trisomy get. We are so lucky. We didn't get a life expectancy but we now have a plan of action. We're going to learn how to take care of her. We will be spending time here at the NICU in the Family Overnight Rooms before they discharge her. Once she is at home, the time frame is typically a week to maybe a couple months."

She went on to tell me how the doctors had stressed emphatically the need to just let nature take its course. It was only more painful for Daphne to keep being brought back around time and time again. Between the two of them, they had discussed and then given a verbal 'Do Not Resuscitate' order. They had fully accepted whatever God's plan was and acknowledged how blessed they were for Danielle having had the opportunity to carry and give birth to Daphne.

On January 14th, the doctors suggested that Daphne didn't have much longer. Maybe a few hours or maybe she would make it through the night. Family and church members who care deeply for Danielle, Drew, and her little girl gathered around and gave that precious baby a name and a blessing.

Daphne Dawn Reading

Daphne's story has spread and there are COUNTLESS people whose lives have been touched and COUNTLESS prayers being said from all over on this baby girl's behalf. She has continued to improve and surprise her doctors. When she was first born, the damage to her heart is what had concerned the doctors the most. Shortly after that, Danielle was told that Daphne wouldn't need the heart operation they had been telling her for months would be necessary. Days have gone by and on January 17th, perhaps the best news yet was given. The holes in Daphne's heart are somehow, inexplicably healing themselves. Danielle, Drew and family members along with so many others including myself, have ZERO doubt as to how and why these miracles keep happening. The prayers and faith and hope of everyone  are healing the holes in her heart. She is alive and fighting because God needs her here on Earth to continue to inspire and teach those around her.

Daphne is now strong enough that today, she was discharged from the NICU in a Scottsdale Hospital. Something that a few days ago, no one was really sure would happen. She was transported to a Hospice House where Danielle and Drew will be given a few more days to transition to having her at home and along with her mom, will be taught about every little thing that will go into Daphne's care. Even with her feeding tube and oxygen, she will soon be at home in her own crib, continuing to bless and enrich the lives of so many people. 

Now Lovelies, this is where you all have the opportunity to be a vital part of this baby girl's life. Pray.

Pray your hearts out and spread the word. 

If you are on Twitter, Facebook, or have a blog of your own, the amount of power you have of spreading the word is monumental. By sharing a link to this post you will be potentially letting thousands of other people know about this miracle of a baby. When praying hearts combine in a joint effort, mountains move and the impossible happens. Just weeks ago, Daphne living was seen as the impossible.

A friend of mine said something about a week ago, when I shared about Daphne on Facebook. It has stuck with me and rings with a truth I rarely feel.

What a blessing. I know that baby girl has the power to change the world. 

She has already begun changing this world.  She won't stop.  Regardless of how long God allows this angel to be here, she will never stop changing this world. Her story and the countless miracles and infinite love she has spread will work wonders of their own. Now you can too. 

Grab the button (thank you Chambanachik!)

Post it on your blog where it can be seen

Keep the miracle going

<a href="http://simplysteele.blogspot.com/2012/01/enormous-miracles-in-tiny-bodies.html"><img src="http://i368.photobucket.com/albums/oo128/chambanachik/381854_10150500685078124_585278123_8905741_1791237492_n.jpg" /></a>

Tender Mercies

I have this incredible friend in my life who has continued to leave me in awe of her strength and grace this week. Danielle gave birth to an absolutely beautiful baby girl who was diagnosed with Trisomy 18. Baby Daphne has already touched countless lives and is proof of God's love and existence. Please, please, PLEASE keep Danielle, Drew, and Daphne in your hearts and prayers and no matter how long God allows this angel to stay on Earth, pray for all of the peace and comfort this amazing family deserves. 

We love you guys so very much and are blessed to have you in our lives.

The Reason For The Season

This is one of the coolest things I have ever seen.

Here We Go. Again. Again.

There used to be a time here on my blog that I used to be gung-ho, in your face, constantly debating, ever-posting about politics. I don't do it much at all now but my opinions haven't changed. I read Samantha The Army Wife's post today though, and I could no longer hold back. My postings were all the way back before the current president became president and when the country seemed to be in meltdown. Now I look back and realize that wasn't meltdown. Not at all. Back then is NOTHING compared to NOW. I could talk until I'm BLUE in the face and we could go round and round in circles addressing THE ISSUES but that wouldn't do a single thing. Wanna know how I know? No, I'm not psychic. I just know because that's what our elected officials, the ones who hold 'the power' have been doing for longer than I care to think about. Well, in between their well deserved, badly needed, ever earned vacation time. Wanna know how much good its done?

ZIP. ZILCH. NADA. ZERO. BUTKISS.

Most everything that politicians think are important and spend all their time 'trying to figure out', makes me sick. I get angry and frustrated and upset but I try to just NOT think about it because its not worth the way it all makes me feel.

We all know of the scares earlier this year when Military pay was going to be frozen leaving most of the military and their families in major binds. Bills were still going to be due but none of us would have had the money. Well, that didn't happen and I think most everyone sighed a sigh of relief thinking it was all over and nothing more needed to be thought or worried about.

Not me.
Not my family.
Not most of the people I know who stay informed and up to date on what Congress does concerning our fates and futures.

I want you guys to watch this video.

The Colbert Report	Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
The Word - The 1%
www.colbertnation.com
Colbert Report Full Episodes Political Humor & Satire Blog Video Archive

Its Stephen Colbert and yes he's funny but this has got to be the one and only video of his I have never laughed at.
It made me sick.
It made me want to grab and shake every politician and member of Congress and make them see how utterly preposterous, selfish, ludicrous, absurd, unethical, unfair, and inequitable their REASONING is.

With all of this 'Occupy Wallstreet', 'What you have earned and worked for, I deserve', 'I am the 99%' crap that's been going on and getting WAY too much attention, people's eyes have been turned to view the wealthy and privileged as awful, evil people. How dare they work and earn massive sums of money without giving it to MEEEEE!!! Do you want to know the REALITY? Anyone who feels so entitled to anything they themselves haven't slaved and worked for, regardless of what it is are truly the awful and evil people.

With all of the news coverage and articles about this current ludicrousness, eyes haven't been trained on Congress watching what they've been doing. Nobody has been pointing out the obvious yet easily ignored facts that what's wrong with this country ISN'T big corporations. It ISN'T capitalism. It ISN'T the people in suits who make their money from stocks and bonds and trading. Most people hear budget cuts and the different proposals that can never be agreed upon and their eyes glaze over so they don't want to look close enough to see that the REAL problem with this country is us. Its the people we've elected to run the country. What's wrong with our country is the flippancy that is directed towards the Armed Forces past, present, and future.

To think that the benefits of our Veteran's are the first things that come to the minds of our 'SUPER CONGRESS' when thinking of what needs to be cut...

That, THAT right there is what's wrong with this country.

Now let's look at the REAL 1% shall we?

If only the blindness of America and ignorance of Washington could be fixed by the simple snap of the fingers.

Because of Veterans: The Thing That Means The Most

Here I am, another military spouse, writing another post about Veteran's Day on my little old blog. There are a million things I could say, a couple dozen videos I could post, and quotes coming out the wazoo that I could share with you. Instead, I'll keep it fairly simple.

This Veteran's Day, I am even more grateful than usual that my very own veteran husband is home safe and sound on American soil.

No one can really, truly understand the sacrifices of veterans, except for them. I try my best as a wife to do what I can do, and that is show my gratitude. Honestly, that is the best thing in the world ANYONE can do.

No matter what your political affiliations and regardless of what your views on this decade long war are, the truth remains the same. You are here in America, able to align with the political party of your choice, maintain your points of view on issues, and support whatever and whomever you'd like, BECAUSE of veterans. You are able to sit at home, drive your car, read what you'd like, and watch what you'd like, BECAUSE of veterans. You are able to pierce and tattoo your body, cut and color your hair, and wear whatever clothes you choose, BECAUSE of veterans. You are able to protest on behalf of whichever cause you'd like and yell, kick, and scream to get people's attention for whatever reason, BECAUSE of veterans.

Veterans serve this country faithfully, unfailingly, and without complaint. They CHOOSE to serve because they know it has to be done and they step up. Veterans make everything we have, everything we do, and everything about this country POSSIBLE.

Its Veteran's Day so for this one day, why don't we do what we can do, and give them the thing that means most?

Our gratitude and thanks. 

Regardless of their age, when they served, or how long they served, they sacrificed for you, me, and millions of others they don't know. Many of these selfless individuals paid for our freedom with their lives. 

So say thank you. And trust me when k say that it means more than we can imagine.

"We often take for granted the very things that most deserve our gratitude." ---Cynthia Ozick

What Day Is It?

What day is it?
Is it Friday?
Is it payday?
Is it the end of the work week?
Is it the middle of October?
Is it just another day?
I'm sure to most of you, the answer to all of the questions is yes.

To me, today is not just another day.
Today is October 15th, 2011.
Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Established by President Reagan unofficially in 1988 and then established by President Bush in 2007 and recognized as a National day of remembrance, it does a great service to a cause most people don't give much thought to if they have never gone through it.

Today is a day that I take the time to specifically remember each of our angel babies. Today is a day that I tell myself it is 100% okay to cry about the fact that we never got to meet any of our babies. Today is a day that I have a constant prayer running through my mind, more so now for all of the people who have experienced loss than for myself. Today is a day that my heart hurts. Today is a day that I find myself thanking God more often for His Son and for the gift of the Atonement. Through that, I know I'll not only get to see my babies again, I'll finally get to be the mommy I have wanted to be my entire life to our sweet babies. 

Even though today may just be another day to you, take a moment and say a prayer for those who've suffered the loss no one should ever have to because its not just another day to them.

Great site to donate and support pregnancy and infant loss awareness and to learn more

I'm Glad He Said It, But I Need To Say It Too

If you watch the news, read the newspaper, are involved on Facebook, Twitter, or have ever heard of a Mormon, you probably know all about the mudslinging and name calling one Evangelical pastor has been busy doing. Its all about the Mormon Presidential candidates and how Mormon's should not be allowed into office because we are a cult.

Anyway, if you have read my blog for any length of time, you know that I am a Mormon. You'll also know how difficult it is for me to bite my tongue about something like this. When people come out and say things that are so degrading and hurtful, I get angry and upset and all I want to do is grab them and shake them and make them understand the truth. Honestly, the absolute ignorance of people astounds me. It hurts my heart more than anything else.

There is a wonderful rebuttal article written by another Evangelist that put things into words better than I think anyone could as far as the political argument. Here are a few of my favorite excerpts. Please go read it in full. Its a great justice to not only Mormon's but to other people attacked unrighteously.

"A bigot can be an inexcusable ignoramus who does not understand a group, but insists on opining about them. Another kind of bigot insists on applying irrelevant standards to a person. This is not excusable even if the standards are relevant in a different situation...."

"...To add insult to bigotry, the pastor decided to name call by saying Mormonism is a cult. The use of cult to describe the Mormon faith is foolish and offensive in a political context.

The word cult has many meanings, including a technical religious one. The Mormon Church is not “standard” historic Christianity as Mormons point out in their witness. They think they have something new and valuable to say religiously.

Most of the public does not think doctrine, but danger when they hear the term cult. He imagines scary folk living in compounds drinking Kool-aid, not Harry Reid or Mitt Romney.

In that popular sense, Mormonism is not a cult and should scare no American. Mormons have been faithful citizens, dying in our wars for republican values. Does Rick Perry’s pastor friend acknowledge this truth? Can a Mormon die for the Republic in battle, but still not serve as commander in the White House...?

For mainstream evangelicals such bigoted attacks on Romney are an embarrassment. They often seem to rely on fear of difference, a sense that other groups are “weird.” Everybody seems weird to somebody some time, but loving people get past such feelings. If the Mormon who dies for my freedom doesn’t seem weird, neither should the Mormon politician....

Evangelical Christianity does not place all power in the state and so rejects messianic leaders. We want a president, not a prophet in office. A Mormon cannot be my priest, but he can be my political leader.

Worse is the impact of bigotry on my Mormon neighbor. It is a betrayal of the love Jesus commanded us to show. If I can love my enemy, surely I can easily love the Mormon next door. I hate the pain caused my Mormon neighbor by ignorance and bigotry.

My Mormon friends do not complain or become defensive. Like the Christ, my experience has been resignation and love when my Mormon friends see slander.

Mormons saw their first prophet murdered by an American mob, but still they loyally serve a Republic whose laws have often failed them. They created a paradise in a wilderness and great literature and a first-rate university against all odds..."

In the interview that Anderson Cooper did with this pastor where he says these things about Mormons, he kept saying, "They are not Christians. They don't believe Jesus is the way to salvation." Even when Anderson read directly from our Church's website, he kept spouting of his hate filled rhetoric which was totally false.

Did you know that in the history of the United States, the Mormon religion has been the ONLY religion that has had an extermination order put out on it? Yeah, extermination (and even though not many were killed after hostilities were resolved after our church members  moved West, it wasn't officially repealed until 1976). We are the one and only religion where it has been 100% legal to kill us for the sole purpose of being a Mormon. No other reason. No other religion. There could be no retaliation of course because they'd just kill you for that. Countless people got taken out of their homes and got tarred and feathered, houses burned down, put in prison, driven out of state after state after state.... That's why most of us ended up on the West Coast :) Anyway, its just interesting that he kept bringing up the history of our religion in his interview and what values make up a Christian and yet, the name calling and the holier than thou attitude that guy has going on, is one of the most un-Christlike things that's been said and done in a long, long time. 

I can tell you right now, I AM a Christian. I know that the ONLY way for me to get back to my God is through the Atonement of my Savior Jesus Christ. He is who I follow. He is who I turn to. He is who I love. He is who I know.

I'm a wifey, angel baby mommy, Christian, and a Mormon. Now go spread the word that we're not about to go all David Koresh WACO on you guys okay?

Too Bad One Wasn't A Teratoma

Oh my dearest Lovelies, my dreams have been dashed all to bits!
Last week, I received some news.
Some very shocking, unexpected, nearly unbelievable news.

I went in for my incredibly fun, annual scans to check on my tumors rumtos.
My normal dude wasn't there. Boo.

Helga the Horrible (sporting the non-Brooke Shields unibrow) would not be swayed on telling me anything.

ZILCH.ZIP.NADA.BUTKUS.

She must not have been told how things work around there.
I show up, get my scans, make everyone laugh with my incredibly witty wit, and get sneak preview on what the doctor is going to tell me the next day.

Nix the rules.
They are my bladder, kidney, and thyroid gland tumors rumtos, not Helga the Horrible's!
Who is she to make ME, the super Mrs. S. with all my witty wit, wait?
Where was the justice?!
It must have been on a smoke break or something because even when I offered to tweeze her brow for her, she was not impressed.

Maybe I should have offered to take her for a wax?

Either way, that yatch wasn't giving in so I was forced against my will to wait until my appointment with my Doctuh the next day.

My appointments at The Cancer Center are always super duper long and leave me feeling guilty for having a full head of hair. I wasn't feeling particularly stoked about sitting in the Chemo waiting area to get my injections or the lab to get a bazillion vials of blood drawn for my gene testing, or sitting in the other stuffy waiting room that is full of the hissing sounds of oxygen tanks and the click clack of knitting needles, but it really was all unavoidable.

Mr. Superman hates coming back and wandering from area to area with me and I really do not mind just chilling there with my magazines, so he was up in the main lobby as always. Anyway, my amazing doctor comes in holding all my scans with a very furrowed brow line. He reminded me of Helga.

Imagine this in a super thick Indian accent. Well, his part.

"These are very, very clean."
"You mean... I sat really still?"
"No, they are clear."
"I took a good, non-blurry picture?"
"No, you are fine."
"Uuuhhhh..."

"I do not know what you did but all of your tumors are gone."
"Right. Uh huh."
"I am very confused, I have no explanation, medical or otherwise as to why they are gone. The last time I saw you, we had had such an infinitesimal amount of success, I was worried we were going to have to start going at them much more aggressively. They are gone. I am very confused."

By this point, I didn't even know what to say. I was about as stunned as Helga would be if she woke up with her brow shaved off. We talked some more and he kept assuring me he was not joking. He did not purposely admit to patients when he felt stupid or stumped. As I walked out and headed down to labs, I had this overwhelming feeling of just.... WOW. You know, the feeling all of you get when you think about my amazingness.

Anyway, I got one last round of injections to kill off whatever remaining bad cells I have and I don't see him again until JANUARY! I am getting tested for Lupus and a few other things because my blood disorder and the severity it is manifesting itself isn't making sense to him.

Well, just put it on his tab.

We let our parents know but we wanted to just let it sink in.
Its still surreal.
I'm tumor free.

We know what happened.
We didn't do anything.
God did.
He heard the thousands of prayers from all over the U.S. and He answered them.
I don't need medicine or science to explain this.
I do need to say thank you though.
My gratitude and love for all of you and for our families, is just so overwhelming its nearly inexpressible.

Thank You.

Even though I am no longer invaded by nasty little lump things, I am still a bit devastated.
My dreams of one of those little buggers being a teratoma wasn't realized.
Oh well, Nikki, no tumor in a jar for you.

Because It Was Time

It has been a long LONG while since I've blogged anything of real substance. I think most of us go through this at least once during our big old fancy blogging careers. Its like I hit a plateau and for a long time, I just didn't want to share anything.

At all.

I was sick of people in general. I was so sick of people whining about not being pregnant after a few months of trying or people complaining that they were pregnant yet again. I was sick of people talking to me because it was all so mundane and superficial. Everything was getting under my skin and people and their worries and their complaints just seemed petty and juvenile and its like something just broke. I had zero desire to even leave my house because I was bound to be talked to or whined at. I was bound to overhear people in the store or on base say something that would upset me in one way or another. I had zero desire to be on Facebook because for me, that is the crux of my downward spirals into the black abyss of Grumpinessville. Everyone with their cute babies and pregnancy announcements, and their pictures of their fabulous this or that, and every ounce of complaint or annoyance just bogged me down.

I was so very unhappy and being stuck at home, sick from all my treatments for my tumors just made it all seem so much more magnified. I felt like being done with everything. I wanted to just never talk to anyone because everything that was being said, regardless of the intent behind it, just made me angry or irritated.

I knew it was time to take a major break. A timeout from the world because if I kept doing what I was doing, it would only get worse and no one deserves the feelings I had towards them. No matter how ignorant some people can be or how mean other people are, or how clueless I felt like everyone was, not a single person deserves so much negativity and animosity directed at them, even if they weren't aware of it.

So I did.
I took a break.
I closed my Facebook page.
I sent out emails and made phone calls to family letting them know that unless something was a dire emergency, to not contact me.

It was time to isolate myself.
It was time to spend quality, unimpeded time with my husband.
It was high time to get myself and my feelings straight.

The longer I separated myself, the less I was feeling angry at people's dumb comments, less envious of people's babies and pregnancies, and less sad at just about everything else. I was focusing much more on my health, the amount of rest I really needed, and was able to just really enjoy Mr. Superman's company, without negative thoughts and feelings bombarding me and tainting it.

There were some amazing people who sent me emails and texts and called just trying to see how I was and even though I didn't ever respond, you need to know how very much those little reminders of true friendships helped my heart. You know who you are and I adore you.

I don't think people quite know how deeply and how easily I am affected by the smallest things. I have to try extraordinarily hard to keep my emotions in check, my tongue bitten, and my mind turned towards positivity. Its a constant struggle and this year it seems I have been tested beyond what I often felt I could cope with.

Now that Summer is nearly gone and soon the crispness of Autumn will start to surround us, I've made a promise to myself. When I feel overwhelmed or irritated or if I hit another plateau, I will allow myself a few moments of sadness or anger or jealousy but then I will  

stop, breathe, and then let it all go.

If I have learned anything from this year, its that life happens, there are always bumps in the road, and no matter how strongly we may feel negativity about something, it is never worth the fight and it all needs to be let go.

I'm Not Back Yet, But...

People are driving me crazy. 

Have you ever attempted to be the bigger person but the more you try, it seems like people all over the place get more annoying, more insensitive, and the act itself gets seemingly more impossible?

I have.

Geeze I have. 

I wish I could just tell people exactly what I think of them, exactly what I feel, and exactly how WRONG they are without repercussions.

 

This has become my mantra and I so WISH I could walk around with this on a small portable billboard that runs on a constant loop. The more annoying or hurtful or ignorant the person is, the bigger and brighter this would flash.

Don't confuse silence with apathy or seemingly prevalent loneliness with the purposeful suppression of thoughts and feelings in an attempt to spare someone else's emotions.

Other times I wanna say, "Eff being the bigger person" and go and do what benefits me. Its almost an ever-constant tug-o-war. I have to keep myself in check, exercise epic self-control and make positive use of all my energy in moving onward and forward. The more space that there is between us and the dummies past, the better. 

Despite wanting to oft times throw ourselves on the ground, kick and scream, and then once once we are emotionally exhausted, just curl up in the fetal position and wait for the world to change, we must face the music. I don't know if you know this or not, but change doesn't just skip along and figure your life out for you.  Its about you putting your feelings on the back burner, sucking it up, and being the type of person this world so desperately needs more of. Rather than arguing back and wasting your energy on petty little things, focus on the words, thoughts, and emotions that will help you and even if it doesn't seem possible, the person that's making you turn into a crazy white girl who's about to open a big ol' can of wh...

Despite an almost instinctual reaction, we as humans need to sincerely think about what has been said or what we wish to say. Is any of it worth losing friends, hurting family, and losing ourselves to the compromise of what we know we SHOULD do? 95% of the time, you unknowingly become a self-deprecating pawn in the hands of negativity and pessimism.

 

Once I'm able to move far enough away from a certain person or a hurtful thing that may have been said, I'm able to start forgiving. Its funny really because forgiveness definitely isn't about another person. The act of forgiveness is solely and perpetually about US. 

It's Not A Tumah

 

Well actually, it is.

If you want an explanation as to why I have been so M.I.A. the last few weeks in bloggyland and real life, you can take up a complaint with the Tumor Department.

Apparently, a few of these suckers have decided to take up residence in the Chelle Hotel.

I know I've always been full of pure awesomeness and fabulosity and it is my belief that the Tumor Department was feeling left out.

Tumors that have thus far been discovered:

• 1 inside my Brilliant Bladder
• 1 on my Lovely Left Kick-A Kidney
• 1 on my Trusty (or not so) Thyroid Gland

Tumors that are believed to exist but were blocked out by all the extra fluid and blood that is making all the scans and x-rays blurry:

• 1 or more on my Reliable (or not so) Right Kindly Kidney

So Lovelies, I haven't been snubbing all of you, I have just been a tad preoccupied.

I had a biopsy performed on the one located in my bladder and have quite a few more procedures in my future. My situation is very tricky when taking in to account my HHT and other medical complications but I love my urologist and hematologist/oncologist.

There has been a lot of deep thinking and positive vibes buzzing around in my house lately because I refuse to accept anything but success and a good life. Prayers, crossed fingers and toes, wishes on stars and eyelashes, and smiles are always needed and appreciated more than we can say.

Just keep being your fabulous lovely selves and if anyone finds some of this. send it my way.

xoxo

Nearly There

I've been struggling.

I won't say that its been lately because truth be told its been going on since October 4, 2009. So I have been struggling for long enough to know that regardless of all my endeavors and hopes that there would soon be a break through or an unimaginable nearly miraculous improvement, its not going to happen.

When someone is drowning, out there in the ocean flailing their arms, perhaps screaming for help as their mouths are repeatedly filled with salt water, they don't continue to get stronger as time goes on. They slowly weaken as with each attempt to force their heads high enough above the waves, their feeble cries along with the rest of their fading determination are forcefully shoved beneath the surface relentlessly.

Its dark, its cold, its terrifying.

I have been thinking in circles and going over events over and over and over again. I've hinted before but the hints are growing stronger and soon, a statement will be made. A declaration and story will be let out and hopefully then, I can stop the ever crashing waves for long enough to gain some clarity and eventually see a glimmer of hope.

I'm nearly there and when I am, it'll be the beginning of freedom. 

Yeah, I'm Putting In My 2 Cents

I won't say too much because most people know my political stance but this is undoubtedly and undeniably momentous for us as a nation. We must not lower our guards and please please PLEASE stick to OPSEC and continue to pray for our troops.

A lot of people are speculating and noting the obvious that there will more than likely be a power struggle to take Osama's place. I think its safe to say that's going to happen and yes we have to proceed with caution BUT freaking out and going into a catatonic state of fear and and unrest isn't going to do you or anybody any good. I've already seen rumors and people posting on Facebook about air strikes to bases and such. Just stop. You're not helping.  All military outposts are currently sitting at Fpcon Bravo which for those who don't know means extremely heightened security and is specifically aimed at high risk of terrorist threat.

We are a strong and brave nation. That has been proved time and again. We don't falter, we don't hesitate, and as shown in these recent events, we do not FAIL.

Some quotes, statements and things I have seen posted by friends all over the place. 

Funniest Facebook Page ever: And That's How The USA Outdoes A Royal Wedding

Facebook Statuses:

"The girl married her Prince. The bad guy is dead. It's a real Disney weekend here on Earth."

"We will not tire, we will not falter, we will not fail." - President Bush, 2001. We did not. God Bless America.

"Heard Obama's statement was late because they were digging through the White House attic so he could wear Bush's "Mission Accomplished" flight suit."

"May 1st of 1945: Hitler announced dead - May 1st of 2011: Bin Laden announced dead"

Statement from former President George W. Bush:

"Earlier this evening, President Obama called to inform me that American forces killed Osama bin Laden, the leader of the al Qaeda network that attacked America on September 11, 2001.  I congratulated him and the men and women of our military and intelligence communities who devoted their lives to this mission.  They have our everlasting gratitude.  This momentous achievement marks a victory for America, for people who seek peace around the world, and for all those who lost loved ones on September 11, 2001.  The fight against terror goes on, but tonight America has sent an unmistakable message:  No matter how long it takes, justice will be done."

Statement from Mitt Romney:

"This is a great victory for lovers of freedom and justice everywhere. Congratulations to our intelligence community, our military and the president. My thoughts are with the families of Osama bin Laden's many thousands of victims, and the brave servicemen and women who have laid down their lives in pursuit of this murderous terrorist."

Former State Department spokesman P.J. Crowley said on Twitter:

"#BinLaden's death does not eliminate the threat from #alQaeda, but it is hard to see anyone playing the same organizational role he did."

Seen on a military site:

UNITED STATES HIT LIST:
Saddam Hussein ☑
Osama Bin Laden ☑
Westboro Church ☐

Via a Facebook MilSpouse Page:

Now I lay me down to sleep, one less terrorist this world does keep. With all my heart I give my thanks to those in uniform regardless of rank. You serve our country and serve it well, with humble hearts your stories tell. So as I rest my weary eyes while freedom rings our flag still flies. You give your all, do what you must, with God we live and God we trust. Amen

 

Now I gotta share something spectacular. We've all heard it and most of us have seen it but tonight was the first time ever that I cried while listening to and watching Toby Keith sing.

"Justice will be served and the battle will rage. This big dog will fight when you rattle his cage. You'll be sorry that you messed with the US of A 'Cause we'll put a boot in your ass, it's the American way."

 

I have never been prouder to be the wife of an American Airman. He just returned from 7 months in Afghanistan and continues to serve our country every day. I have never been more overwhelmed with emotion and pride to be living in this country which despite all of its mistakes and politics is truly the best country in the entire world. Keep the love, pride, and prayers going and as always support our troops.