I try really, really hard to keep our personal lives (discussions, tiffs, super personal stuff) off the blog. I just don't think its the place for it. This isn't anything against people who do air it all out, its just not for us. I also make a very conscious effort to not complain. It irks me so badly when all I hear or see or read is military spouses (or anyone really) complaining. An occasional vent session is fine. Everybody has to let off steam somehow but complaining about schedule changes, date move-ups, date push-backs, new orders, no orders, dramadramadrama, and telling everybody on Facebook and Twiiter how sad/depressed you are, or how much you hate this or that, does nobody, I mean NOBODY any good. It actually, to me at least, makes me perceive you as a little juvenile and quite frankly, obnoxious.
Now here is where some people might start calling me a hypocrite. As I said, I lost it. And I have to let this out.
I know some people have already heard, but Mr. Superman is not getting leave. At all. Under any circumstances. Why? No reason. I mean seriously there has been no reason given other than "You don't get leave. Its straight from Command." WTFrick??? Yes, its just Mr. Superman. "Well everyone else is getting leave because they had it on the calender a long time ago." Okay idiot, my husband didn't have leave on the calender months ago, because he just found out he was deploying. Why so last minute? Because of another ignorant Airman's mistake. Now add to that frustration, the fact that he not only has meetings, appointments, and briefings during the day but still works his shift of 1445 (2:45 PM) to 2300 (11:00 PM) and still doesn't get home until nearly midnight, it means it was really only a matter of time before I broke.
And break I did. Mr. Superman was told he would be getting off early tonight since he had his first appointment of the day at 0900. It wasn't the first time he's been told this and it definitely wasn't the first time I got a text saying, "I'm not getting off early."
That was the straw that broke the camels back. I mean that camel is paralyzed now.
"Are you freaking serious? Why not?"
"Because there's only 4 people here now and we have to send someone down to the bomb dump at 1700 to help with a huge inventory."
"Nice. So you're screwed over, once again. I am so sick of this."
A few more text exchanges and then I did it. I let him know that I broke.
"It's not your fault. I am just so sick of the lack of concern and consideration for you and your family. There is no follow through on anyone's part. I hate everything about this deployment and its making everything a million times harder not being able to spend time with you. You have no idea how hard its been NOT to fall apart and complain and be upset. Or how many times I've gone into the bathroom or gotten into the shower so I could have a breakdown without having to worry about what it would do to you if you saw me lose it."
You wanna know what happened then? I cried. HARD. Actually, it began with the first text, and quickly got progressively worse. First a few tears, then enough that I had to go wash off my makeup, then sobs, then the big ugly cry where I started to hyperventilate. It got so bad I nearly passed out because I wasn't getting enough air. It took a good fifteen minutes with my head between my knees before I could get up. Pathetic? Maybe. It was a long time coming though and I truly believe it is no where near from being over and finished. Pre-deployment breakdowns aren't something I can just wrap up in a neat little package and wait to open it until he leaves. I still feel horribly guilty that he now knows how hard this all is on me. Isn't that a deployment rule? Don't let your husband see you sad, angry or upset and most definitely, don't let him see you cry. Well he didn't see it but he knows.
I know its hard for him too but he's excited. He said it makes him feel like a legitimate soldier being sent over there. He said the worst part for him is just the amount of time that we're apart. For me, its being alone. Yes I will be living with my sister and the house will be far from empty, but I am alone. I will be surrounded by civilians that have no hope of getting it. I'm grateful I can go stay with family, I am, but being thrust back into a civilian world with absolutely no physical contact with this military world is tough. I will be going through our wedding anniversary, for the second year in a row, alone. I will be alone for the one year mark. I will be alone for our angel babies anniversaries. I will be alone for Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, and my birthday. I will be alone for a long time and its hard. Its just beginning to hit me how very difficult this is going to be, how I am no where near ready for it, and I can't do a single thing to stop it. Then I think about him going through all this stuff alone too and I feel immensely guilty again for having these thoughts and emotions.
My denial is getting me nowhere. The fact that I haven't packed my house doesn't mean I don't have to move in a few weeks. The fact that I don't do laundry doesn't mean Mr. Superman will have to stay because he doesn't have clean ABU's. Not cooking doesn't mean he won't be leaving. Me refusing to do prep paperwork, doesn't mean we won't be going to the lawyer tomorrow to write our wills. This is all so frustrating and aggravating. And terrifying.
Its not fair that I don't get an ounce of extra time with my husband before he goes to war but it is what it is. We chose this life and we knew what it came with. It doesn't make it any easier but I did have to let it all out. I just keep telling myself I need to get to the point that I can function and appear normal and composed. That's all that matters. I need to believe this is the way this time in our lives is supposed to go. I need to believe he'll come home
soon safely. He will. I believe that. I believe we will get stronger from this and that even though its going to be one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, that I will become a better person because of it all. Why do I have to believe all of this? Because its the only way to survive.