Dear Loverface: It Was In The Fridge

Dear Loverface,

We're nearly at the end of Day 6. 

I've come to a few conclusions in the last six days. 

Wanna know 'em? 

There are 24 hours in the day but when you're gone, it feels like 57.

I work Monday through Thursday and when you're here, that sucks but when you're gone, it feels like its not enough. I would flat out lose my sanity if I didn't have somewhere I HAD to be Monday through Thursday.

Getting emails late on Saturday nights from Mormon strangers are quite possibly the best thing in the world.

Loverface in front row, first on the left.

It's a good thing you have 3 sisters who not only enjoy things like Les Miserable but that they'll come over on a Saturday night to watch it and end up singing all the songs and crying with me.

Having my nightmares and horribly disturbing dreams are never fun. In fact, they always suck and leave me feeling scared and angry but babe, when you're not here, they are pure hell. 

Deployment Brain is not only very real but it is misnamed. It doesn't just happen during deployments but it pokes its nasty, unwelcome, life-disrupting head up whenever you're gone.

Proof:

When I came home from work, I immediately did the dishes, switched out laundry, put some food in the fridge, and then worked out. Afterwards, I went to take my daily post-workout picture and couldn't find my phone. Now, I know what you're thinking. "Par for the course! Big shocker! Geez honey, really?!"

Well, just hear me out! 

I remembered bringing it in from the car. 

But that was it.

I searched the normal spots. You know, the bed, counter, purse, couch...

Nothing! 

I then texted Sammy telling her to call my phone. I know, how did I text right? The iPad, duh. She tried over and over but it kept going straight to voicemail. I knew it had a nearly full battery and yet, nothing.

I started to REALLY freak out. Panicked, crying, frantically searching everywhere and hyperventilating.

I searched all the cupboards and drawers, the bed, both bathrooms, the couch, under all the furniture, and pretty much everywhere else about a bajillion times before looking in the.... Fridge. 

Guess what? 

It was in the fridge. 

I about died from laughing and chagrin.

Now please, come home soon. 

Dear Loverface: I Listened To The Rain

Dear Loverface,

Today was Day 3.

It was also Tyler's funeral. That said, you now know how I was feeling all day.

I miss you. 

So much.

I decided to step out of myself. It was all I could do.

I convinced myself to get out of bed. I worked out. I got dressed up and went to the movies with your sisters. I enjoyed it. 

It's been overcast, windy, gloomy, rainy. 

It's been beautiful.

Driving home at nearly midnight, the rain was coming down hard. I turned my music off and did something that would surprise you. 

I listened.

No background noise, no distractions, no thoughts beyond the rain and missing you.

Normally, I'd have the music on but tonight, I didn't. 

I felt clarity and calm.

All because I listened to the rain. 

Dear Loverface: Two

Dear Loverface,

Technically, its May 16th but it was the day of two's.

Day two that you're gone.

Day two of me working out. Go me!

Day two of me picking off all of my nail polish in anxiety.

The second time I'm painting my nails.

Got that? We're up to two manicures.

Day two of me being ridiculously sore.

A day where I had two total seconds out of the entire day that I wasn't feeling like I was going to literally die from pain.

Day two of me realizing that without you here with me, I don't feel human.

We've been together for almost exactly 3 months shy of 7 years. 2,436 days to be exact. I don't know if you know this or not, but that's kind of a long time. You're a numbers guy so I think you oughtta be able to see where I'm coming from with this.

I don't think it's sad that I feel this way. Not whole without you I mean.

I think its endearing.

I think it means something bigger than most people would be able to understand.

It means God didn't just make you and make me.
It means he made us.
He made our souls incomplete.

He meant for us to learn in our first 17 1/2 years of our individual lives that we couldn't do it alone. You without me and me without you was wrong.

It still is wrong.

Which is precisely why I don't feel human when you're not here.

Its beautiful.
Its heartbreaking.
Its raw.
Its incredible.

And babe, even though there are two of us, and it's you and me, it really comes down to being a thing of one.

Us.

Dear Loverface: I'm a Wimp

Dear Loverface,

We woke up at 0345 this morning. Well, YOU woke up at 0345 while I woke up a little before 0300 needing to pee. 

SO badly. 

I looked at the time and saw you were going to be up in 45 minutes. I didn't want to wake you up by getting up because I knew you would then look at the time, see you only had 45 minutes left of sleep, and then toss and turn and never really drift back off. 

So I held it. My pee that is.

Why? Because I love you.

The alarm went off and we got up. You took your C bags down to the car and then came back up and got your Blues on. I love your Blues. You look so handsome and just seeing you in them makes my heart swell with pride.

Why? Because I love you.

We got to the airport and were soon surrounded by almost 2 dozen anxious, fresh and new to the 'shipping out' military world cadets. You didn't roll your eyes too much because you're kind and patient. That always makes me smile. You're a much better person than I. You asked me to go find a luggage tag and even though it took me forever to find one, I didn't complain.

Why? Because I love you.

I didn't cry when it was time to say our, "See you later's" because I know it makes it way harder for you to focus on where you're going and why you're going there. I took my quick hug and smooch and walked away.

Why? Because I love you.

I got home by 0515, got myself a bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch, and dove into the DVR. I cried. And ate another bowl of cereal. And then cried some more. Why?

Because I'm a wimp. I'm a wimp because I love you.

Instead of going to sleep like I should've, I sat on the couch and watched episode after episode, pining after my silent phone. Even though I knew you were thousands of feet up in the air, I couldn't turn off my fear that you'd call and I'd somehow miss it. I gripped it like it was a lifeline.

Why? Because I'm a wimp. And I love you.

I painted my nails even though I just painted them a few days ago. I got a huge smile and cried some more when you text saying you were at your first stop and some more when you called a few minutes later.

Why? Mostly because I'm a wimp.
But also because I love you.

You joked that I should keep track of how many times I paint my nails while you're gone. You know me so well to already know the number is going to be ridiculous. Even though you told me I should because you were making fun of me, I'm going to do it.

Why? Because I love you.

I tried to nap like you told me to but kept having weird dreams that I missed your call. I was so scared because that was not only the last phone call I'd get, but the last contact I'd have with you until you call me and tell me you're on your way home. I got butterflies when I saw your name pop up on my phone a while later.

Why? Because I adore you.

You were irritated and in a rush. I was yes, devastated that we only got about 15 seconds. I didn't let it leak into my voice though.

Why? Because I love you.

I started a workout so I can look awesome when you get back. I went grocery shopping for all things fruits, veggies, and healthy. I didn't even think about how you weren't here to help me get 4 all of the groceries up  flights of stairs.

Babe, I had this 'aha' moment.

You're super tough because you have NEVER let on how very much it SUCKS to lug groceries up to our apartment. I was dying after bringing the first bags up the first flight of stairs. By the time I got all 3 loads up those four flights, my legs were jelly and I was sweating something awful.

Why? Because I'm a wimp.

I hope you are sleeping well after the long day you had today. I hope you know how proud of you I am. I hope you can feel all of my thoughts and love. I hope you believe in yourself the way I believe in you and that you don't doubt your capability of being the very best.

Why?

Because I love you.