How? Why? What Do I Do?

Hey there Lovelies and Dolls!
I hope y'all are doing fabulous and fantastic. Me? I'm in between states of being and unsure of how I feel. My heart doesn't quite know where it is in the midst of... well, everything.

I thought when I started blogging again, sharing and opening up more, things would get easier. When I say that I mean that instead of harboring everything I feel and think on the inside and having it take its toll on me and everyone around me, I thought I was ready to open old wounds and pour the salt in them that is exploring and working through and eventually resolving and moving on.

There has been a sort of pattern with me and this blog of mine the last couple of years. Tough things happen, I close off, take a step back, time passes, I feel like I'm ready to share, and then the reception of what I just shared with other people leads me back to the belief that closing off and internalizing is the way to go.

Before my rape, I NEVER cared about what others thought about me or how others felt about me. In the 48 hours afterward I had been poked, prodded, scraped, examined, photographed, questioned, interrogated, accused, and every other mortifying, intrusive, demeaning thing you could possibly imagine by no less than 10 different people of which only 3 were female. I was forced to relive every terrible second of my attack 4 different times with four different people. Those 48 hours are in my opinion, without a doubt, the 48 hours that completely changed my mind, my heart, and how I myself down to the deepest depths react to human interaction whether it be face to face or via phone or internet conversations.

I got put on the defensive when accusations were thrown around that I was making it all up. Are you kidding me? My swollen and bruised throat, my arms, thighs, and chest were covered in cuts and huge hand print bruises yet I was making it all up? Then it was suggested that my husband was responsible. When that was first said aloud to me I wanted to recant EVERYTHING because I was absolutely terrified my husbands career was going to be ruined because of the blatantly ignorant beliefs of the people over my case. Since then I have tiptoed very lightly when it comes to opening up and sharing. It makes me sick with worry and anxiety but I get brave and I open the flood gates. I get an outpouring of support and encouragement and love from the vast majority but there are the few who feel the need to degrade me even further with their words full of hate and lies.

What am I supposed to do? Just a few years ago I wouldn't have batted an eye or thought twice about people being rude or hateful toward me. They were inconsequential and their words and opinions even less so. Now? I start to shake, my heart races, my throat closes, I feel vomit about to come up, my eyes cloud over with tears and then terror and hurt and just indescribable angst takes over and paralyzes me.

Its pure hell.
But its also my reality.
It feels like weakness.

Last week I told a friend that I can't stand that these people still have such complete control over me. That when I made the decision to stop hiding this terrible thing that happened to me and finally open up and be honest about it, that would be the first step to getting better and becoming free. Then I get  an email or a comment and it leaves me completely downtrodden and back at square one wishing I had never talked about it at all.

"You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.' You must do the thing you think you cannot do. "

~ Eleanor Roosevelt

I'm waiting for Eleanor's words to take immovable root in my heart and mind as truth. I don't know how to make it happen but there has to be an infinitesimal glimmer of hope deep inside of me somewhere otherwise I would have given up a long time ago. 


SaraLynn said...

I know I don't know you so this may seem strange.. but i just want to let you know that I am praying for you!! I have been reading your blog and wanting to comment but I was always not sure what to say. I am SOO incredibly sorry that this happened to you. It was not your fault in any way shape or form. You did NOT choose this. Evil exists in the world ... and what happened to you was EVIL pure and simple. I am soo incredibly sorry that people questioned whether you were telling the truth... that just hurts my heart to hear. I will pray for your healing as you walk through this horror. I don't know if you already are but I highly, highly suggest you see a counselor trained in sexual assault trauma. These counselors are awesome and specially trained to deal the trauma of rape. http://www.rainn.org/ can help you find one!

Mel said...

You are doing the right thing by sharing your experience. People who criticize and berate you for that are terrible, heartless a-holes (pardon the language, but it fits.) You have many family, friends, and readers who do respect and support you and an amazing husband who has stuck with you through all of this.

You are strong, beautiful, brave and a million other things. Your story might save other lady's lives. Your example will eventually teach all the haters that they are wrong. Keep strong and keep going, darling!!

The Flight Crew said...

I STRONGLY believe this quote is true. Don't let these horrible awful people control you when you are SO much stronger. You are stronger because you lived through it and continued to love anyways. There is NO WAY in my mind that Mr. Superman could have done this to you. You're to awesome so by default He is awesome too! Love you! keep empowering yourself!!

A Girl said...

Do not let the hateful words of close minded, mean spirited, ugly people take away from the strength you posses.
It takes more strength, beauty, desire to heal and desire to help others to share you story and to be honest about what has happened than anyone who can be so hurtful will ever understand or have.

YOU ARE AMAZING! You know you can count on me to always remind you of that.

The courage you have to speak the truth of your feelings is beyond admirable. It's phenomenal!

Stay strong and know that you are loved and supported. Know that you have touched lives and given strength and hope to so many. And that is no small feat. :)

Team Mama said...

I hope you know that by the way you have handled this and other difficulties in your life- but mainly this- you are one of my heroes. I am proud to claim you as my family.