12.20.2010

Efff.

I would say, "that is all" but that is not even close to being 'all'.

I'm sick. Again.

This time its what I call normal people sick because its the flu. It is a very rare thing that I become normal people sick so when I do, its bad. At least I think so. In reality, it just makes me look wussy because I can't handle it. Give me cysts, surgical pain, pelvic pain, cramps so bad I pass out.... that stuff, I can handle. Throw in a few horrendous nosebleeds and a migraine for good measure and I can function just fine. That is all stuff I have every day for ever since I can remember. Normal people sick though, is rough. See, wuss.

I've also been feeling very.... I guess the word would be bitter. Its a lot of other things mixed in too but really, bitter sums it up pretty well. A couple weeks ago I was driving with a friend and somehow we got on the topic of babies and all my um, issues. She suggested I become a crack head and my chances of a successful pregnancy and delivery would shoot through the roof. I laughed because its probably true but then it was forgotten. Until yesterday.

Yesterday I got to talk to my husband. I rarely use that word because it doesn't seem nearly enough. Mr. Superman is so much more than a husband to me. He is the kindest, gentlest, most sincere person I have ever met let alone been lucky enough to have in my life. He is the reason I am here, alive, and even half as happy as I am. He is incredible and I could go on and on and on, but I digress. I was talking to him about EVERYTHING. It was a day fraught with heavy and difficult conversation the topics of which I only share a very tiny portion on the blog.

By the tail end of his day off and thus the end of our conversations, Mr. Superman said something. We were talking about all the kids I have potty trained and how when we have kids, the plan I already have to get our kiddies out of diapers by the time they are 2 1/2. We were joking around and he said, "You'll be so good you'll have them potty trained before they even leave the womb." There was silence for a moment as he realized what he said and the "Oh crap!" face made an appearance. I started crying and he was apologizing profusely.

This led to my bitterness rising up again. I said, "I should go become a crack head whore then we'd have no issues having babies. Or better yet, find a time machine, go back to 16, and get knocked up without even trying! Hey, I have an idea, why don't we completely change who we are. No wait, listen. You go ahead and only wear wife beaters and let your wardrobe influence your behavior. If you get a beer gut and slap me around a bit combined with me developing a heroine habit, we would be able to get adoptable foster babies without even making social workers blink as they hand them over."

I know, I sound incredibly cynical and resentful. I won't even attempt to deny it. You'd think we'd have experienced intense antagonism lately or something. 

I wish I could go and do this


 Because I have been doing this for far too long.

19 comments:

Marie said...

I'm sorry love :(

I wish there was something I could do!

Sasha said...

I'm so sorry. I know sorry doesn't help, but I am.
It's true though it's so unfair and it sucks. I'm so tired of hearing about people accidentally getting pregnant, people who don't deserve to bring a helpless child into this world. When people who are ready and want it more than anything can't have it. We've been trying and trying and it sucks always hearing people who don't want it, get it.
Again, I'm so sorry :(
I hope you feel better from being sick too!

Tonya said...

I hope you get to feeling better soon! It's rough to be feeling bad in body and in your emotions. I'm glad you have a supportive husband. That makes all the difference...

Praying that your week will end up a thousand times better than it started!

allissa said...

Oh pretty lady, I'm so sorry you've been dealing with all of this lately. You deserve to be happy, and I'm sure sooner than you think, you will.

I have no words that I could say to really comfort you, because there are none, but remember.. God only gives people what they can handle. Apparently you are one tough cookie! Love you! <3

Katie said...

Oh love, no words but these, I love you and will send you an email as soon as I get home from Urgent Care. Um, yea, "eff" normal people sickness. It's for the dogs, I agree!

R said...

I'm sorry honey. I can't even imagine what you must be going through when it comes to the pregnancy thing. And to be sick on top of being emotional is never fun. I hope you feel better soon honey.

Steph said...

It's tough! I'm hear for you if you ever need to talk.

Adria said...

Oh sweetie. Sometimes I hate how unfair life really is. I hope you get over the flu and I hope you have a good Christmas. Prayers are always sent your way. xoxo

Kaylee said...

Oh my dear!! I am so sorry!
I hope that things start to look up and that everything will work out for you!

Allie said...

I am sending a giant virtual hug your way and I hope you feel better soon. *HUG*

I Am a Marine's Girl said...

Oh hun. I can't even imagine the pain you must be feeling right now, but I will say this. It's grossly unfair that crack heads and wife beaters get kids at the drop of a hat and normal, deserving people like you cannot get one. That just makes me mad, its just unfair. You have the right to be cynical about it, just vent here whenever you need to.

Wife on the Roller Coaster said...

Oh honey, I'm so so sorry. First of all, you're not a wuss for complaining about being sick. We all turn into messes when we have the flu, and I can't imagine what that's like on top of everything else you have going on. Second, it's ok to feel cynical about your struggles with having children. You've had such a tough road, and it must be so hard. YOu are always in my thoughts and prayers, and I'm confident that one day the perfect child will find you and Mr. Superman. In the meantime, go ahead and feel sorry for yourself and feel cynical. It's OK! Just try to break out that gorgeous smile and every now and then. ;)

ginger said...

i'm sorry chelle! just know i'm here for you...i hope you feel better & i know you'll be the BEST mom ever!
lubs
XXOOxoxo

Beka said...

i don't have any words but i'm sorry.
and even though life can be and IS sooooo sucky sometimes, i love how you talk about your husband. you guys are one of the best couples i've ever "met".

hugs!!

Random Musings Of My Life said...

Life sucks. It really does. Although I laughed about the crack head and drug whore stuff because the hubby and I have said the same things. I mean if people who NEVER want or "deserve" babies can have them then there may be some hope for us...

annoyed army wife said...

:( ***hugs***

Stefanie said...

I'm so sorry!

Keep me in mind if you ever decide to use a surrogate. I would so do it for you! :)

emily said...

thanks for being honest...it's good to get it out.

Wes and Dani said...

Nothing to say, other than, "I can relate."