It has been a long LONG while since I've blogged anything of real substance. I think most of us go through this at least once during our big old fancy blogging careers. Its like I hit a plateau and for a long time, I just didn't want to share anything.
I was sick of people in general. I was so sick of people whining about not being pregnant after a few months of trying or people complaining that they were pregnant yet again. I was sick of people talking to me because it was all so mundane and superficial. Everything was getting under my skin and people and their worries and their complaints just seemed petty and juvenile and its like something just broke. I had zero desire to even leave my house because I was bound to be talked to or whined at. I was bound to overhear people in the store or on base say something that would upset me in one way or another. I had zero desire to be on Facebook because for me, that is the crux of my downward spirals into the black abyss of Grumpinessville. Everyone with their cute babies and pregnancy announcements, and their pictures of their fabulous this or that, and every ounce of complaint or annoyance just bogged me down.
I was so very unhappy and being stuck at home, sick from all my treatments for my tumors just made it all seem so much more magnified. I felt like being done with everything. I wanted to just never talk to anyone because everything that was being said, regardless of the intent behind it, just made me angry or irritated.
I knew it was time to take a major break. A timeout from the world because if I kept doing what I was doing, it would only get worse and no one deserves the feelings I had towards them. No matter how ignorant some people can be or how mean other people are, or how clueless I felt like everyone was, not a single person deserves so much negativity and animosity directed at them, even if they weren't aware of it.
So I did.
I took a break.
I closed my Facebook page.
I sent out emails and made phone calls to family letting them know that unless something was a dire emergency, to not contact me.
It was time to isolate myself.
It was time to spend quality, unimpeded time with my husband.
It was high time to get myself and my feelings straight.
The longer I separated myself, the less I was feeling angry at people's dumb comments, less envious of people's babies and pregnancies, and less sad at just about everything else. I was focusing much more on my health, the amount of rest I really needed, and was able to just really enjoy Mr. Superman's company, without negative thoughts and feelings bombarding me and tainting it.
There were some amazing people who sent me emails and texts and called just trying to see how I was and even though I didn't ever respond, you need to know how very much those little reminders of true friendships helped my heart. You know who you are and I adore you.
I don't think people quite know how deeply and how easily I am affected by the smallest things. I have to try extraordinarily hard to keep my emotions in check, my tongue bitten, and my mind turned towards positivity. Its a constant struggle and this year it seems I have been tested beyond what I often felt I could cope with.
Now that Summer is nearly gone and soon the crispness of Autumn will start to surround us, I've made a promise to myself. When I feel overwhelmed or irritated or if I hit another plateau, I will allow myself a few moments of sadness or anger or jealousy but then I will
stop, breathe, and then let it all go.
If I have learned anything from this year, its that life happens, there are always bumps in the road, and no matter how strongly we may feel negativity about something, it is never worth the fight and it all needs to be let go.