Because It Was Time

It has been a long LONG while since I've blogged anything of real substance. I think most of us go through this at least once during our big old fancy blogging careers. Its like I hit a plateau and for a long time, I just didn't want to share anything.

At all.

I was sick of people in general. I was so sick of people whining about not being pregnant after a few months of trying or people complaining that they were pregnant yet again. I was sick of people talking to me because it was all so mundane and superficial. Everything was getting under my skin and people and their worries and their complaints just seemed petty and juvenile and its like something just broke. I had zero desire to even leave my house because I was bound to be talked to or whined at. I was bound to overhear people in the store or on base say something that would upset me in one way or another. I had zero desire to be on Facebook because for me, that is the crux of my downward spirals into the black abyss of Grumpinessville. Everyone with their cute babies and pregnancy announcements, and their pictures of their fabulous this or that, and every ounce of complaint or annoyance just bogged me down.

I was so very unhappy and being stuck at home, sick from all my treatments for my tumors just made it all seem so much more magnified. I felt like being done with everything. I wanted to just never talk to anyone because everything that was being said, regardless of the intent behind it, just made me angry or irritated.

I knew it was time to take a major break. A timeout from the world because if I kept doing what I was doing, it would only get worse and no one deserves the feelings I had towards them. No matter how ignorant some people can be or how mean other people are, or how clueless I felt like everyone was, not a single person deserves so much negativity and animosity directed at them, even if they weren't aware of it.

So I did.
I took a break.
I closed my Facebook page.
I sent out emails and made phone calls to family letting them know that unless something was a dire emergency, to not contact me.

It was time to isolate myself.
It was time to spend quality, unimpeded time with my husband.
It was high time to get myself and my feelings straight.

The longer I separated myself, the less I was feeling angry at people's dumb comments, less envious of people's babies and pregnancies, and less sad at just about everything else. I was focusing much more on my health, the amount of rest I really needed, and was able to just really enjoy Mr. Superman's company, without negative thoughts and feelings bombarding me and tainting it.

There were some amazing people who sent me emails and texts and called just trying to see how I was and even though I didn't ever respond, you need to know how very much those little reminders of true friendships helped my heart. You know who you are and I adore you.

I don't think people quite know how deeply and how easily I am affected by the smallest things. I have to try extraordinarily hard to keep my emotions in check, my tongue bitten, and my mind turned towards positivity. Its a constant struggle and this year it seems I have been tested beyond what I often felt I could cope with.

Now that Summer is nearly gone and soon the crispness of Autumn will start to surround us, I've made a promise to myself. When I feel overwhelmed or irritated or if I hit another plateau, I will allow myself a few moments of sadness or anger or jealousy but then I will  

stop, breathe, and then let it all go.

If I have learned anything from this year, its that life happens, there are always bumps in the road, and no matter how strongly we may feel negativity about something, it is never worth the fight and it all needs to be let go.


Katie said...

We are truly one person, sharing a mind and body. You have no idea how much I feel like this, except, well, you do. I need a break and am praying I can hold on until the PCS and that will provide the break.

You know I'm always here for you. I hope my texts didn't annoy you, I tried to find a delicate balance between annoying and letting you know that you're ALWAYS in my prayers.

Sarah said...

I TOTALLY don't blame you for wanting - or needing - a break from everything. I think we all need a break from life and all things online every once in a while. And you definitely needed it for your health - physically and mentally. I can't even begin to imagine all that you've been through with the tumors and miscarriages... None of those things are deserved. And I think only people who have been through similar things as you can truly understand how the "little things" affect you in a not-so little way. Truth be told, I was super nervous about bringing my pregnancy out in the open on my blog... Worried about how it would affect some readers and friends who I know have either had a hard time getting pregnant or lost babies. Because, geez, I remember how sensitive I was about pregnancy announcements and Joe wasn't home...nor had I even been diagnosed with infertility OR miscarried. I can only imagine how much harder it would be. ANYWAY, I'm glad you've returned and had a nice, relieving break from everything. =)


Welcome back :-)

Ashlee G. said...

The week that I fasted from facebook was amazing. I didn't have to worry about the sting I might feel when logging in and I didn't miss it one bit. I think about you daily and you are always in my prayers. I wish you lived closer so we could cry together and laugh together too.

You rock lovely, don't you ever forget that.

annoyed army wife said...

You are wise well beyond your years, my dear.

Skinnie Piggie said...

This is amazing, I'm so glad to hear that you wrote this down to remind yourself for the future!

McGee said...

You have no idea how HAPPY and EXCITED I was to see your update!! I love reading your blog and I love your writing talent! :) last sunday a lady in RS said " stay calm and carry on" its the first time I have heard that and I really liked it not as much as Come whay may and love it but I liked it a lot! You such an amazing woman and I look up to you so much!

Radiant Readhead said...

Oh sweetheart! my heart goes out to you. ITs weird, I have been feeling the same way lately. very withdrawn and upset. I dont want to answer my phone, dont want to hang out with people, don't want to deal with the BS that is going onaround me. It reminds me of the first couple month after losing Rosalynn....
And it may seem strange, b/c we are expecting again, but i think that is WHY i want to "get away" is because i feel like all the other preggos around me just don't understand. all my friends and family want me to stay positive and what not, and regardless of all of their good intentions, I just want to scream "I am terrified!!! Shut up and let me be terrified!! dont tell me to relax, b/c you have never gone through this before!!!" And instead of being a total bitch to all of them, I just avoid people all together.
Anyone going through IF or a loss or MULTIPLE losses, COMPLETELY understand where you are coming from, and I for one am glad you took some time for you and the hubby. But i am also glad to see you back;-)

Allie said...

Welcome back! I was glad to see an update from you. I hope this break has given you everything you were looking for and more. (:

Steph said...

I'm glad you are back. I agree that sometimes we just need to let go. Have a fantastic weekend!

Kaylee said...

Good for you, everyone needs a break from people, I know I do now and again.

You are an amazing person and I'm happy to come back from my blogging break to see that you are coming back too.

chambanachik said...

We are all so very glad that you're back. <3

Unknown said...

Yay your back, so am I(although you probably don't remember me).

Hope all is well.

Teri said...

Yay I'm glad you remember me. I have no idea what to blog about but I feel like I should. Your blog looks CUTE!!