11.13.2010

The One Where I Let It Out

Mr. Superman and I have been together for well over four years and married for just over three. Even though that's a relatively short time, it feels like its been forever, but not in a griping sarcastic way. I mean it in the way that we clicked so fast, so perfectly, so smoothly and everything for us relationship wise has always been border line heavenly that it is hard to imagine my life before him.

Very shortly after we began dating, we knew we would be getting married. Its as cliche as it sounds but when you know, you know. Before we got married, a few months I'd say, we knew we wanted children. Immediately. You know how some people feel drawn towards attending a certain university or feels as if a specific career is their calling in life? For us, we knew that kids is what we wanted. It was the only thing that could have possibly made our love stronger and more perfect.

You all know, we tried.

I wrote all about our Two Angel Babies for the first time a few months ago. I have answered many, many questions about our plans for becoming parents. With my health issues, things were laid out by the doctors in a way that gave us little to no hope of being able to conceive on our own and have me carry a baby to term or even to a time that the baby could be delivered and still live. I was told in February of this year in a post-op appointment that without invitro fertilization, we wouldn't be able to become parents and even then, my chances were below 6%. We were absolutely heart-broken.

A few months later, I was diagnosed with a blood disease called HHT. After speaking with my hematologist on several occasions about the medical issues I've had through out my life and recently with difficulty in getting pregnant, and then the loss of our babies, we discussed treatment options to attempt to bring our odds of success up. He felt that my HHT was a major contributing factor to our losses. The treatment plan worked for most of my HHT symptoms but it made everything else much worse. After researching the long term side-effects of this treatment, which just so happens to be the same thing they give breast cancer patients, I discontinued the use of the medication. Around the same time I was diagnosed with HHT, Mr. Superman and I had discussed with each other and with several doctors our options of birth control for the sole purposes of easing my chronic pain (stupid woman issues) and to prevent us from losing another baby. The only form of BC I had not tried, was an IUD. It hurt like Hades (the doctor said it was because I had never had my uterus expanded by a baby. Well duh there genius, thanks for rubbing it in.) After a couple months it seemed to be doing the job. My pain level was down a smidge which was the essential goal.

Well Lovelies, it didn't work.

On October 19, 2010, I woke up feeling a bit scared (I was facing the re-opening of some old wounds) but hopeful for a semi-decent day. It was my 3-year wedding anniversary and I was expecting a gift delivered via UPS from my darling husband who's love I could feel from 8,000 miles away. I had plans to go shopping and maybe get a pedicure, you know, because it was my freaking anniversary! Let me just say now, that my day couldn't have hardly been any worse or gone any different than what I had expected. The re-opening of old wounds was horrendous. It was dramatic but more than that, it was terrifying and lonely having to do it alone. After that, I realized that the abdominal pain I had been having for about two weeks was getting much, much worse. I decided I had better kip into the Urgent Care and see what was going on. I had suspicions that it was a ruptured cyst that had arrived about two weeks before Mr. Superman deployed. Boy was I wrong.

Within two hours I was once again given the worst news I have ever received. I was losing another baby. Another baby we had not thought probable let alone possible. It had torn away from my uteran wall and I was in very real danger of my uterus itself splitting open, causing massive internal bleeding which in turn would either land me in the hospital for months or kill me. My HHT complicates everything but when it comes to internal bleeding, it makes it nearly impossible to do anything, medically, to stop it. One more reason we know its a miracle I survived my ectopic last February. I was asked if I had a primary care doctor or an OB here in AZ. I said no. I was asked if I had anybody in the waiting room. I said no. They asked if they could call my husband to come pick me up. I actual laughed at that one. If only right? I called my sister and my mother and let them know. My mother asked me repeatedly if she could come and be with me. I insisted she didn't because the doctor was almost finished and I would be heading home to my sister's. They removed my IUD, wrote me a prescription for an antibiotic, a mild pain medicine, and nausea pills. I was told 14 days strict bed rest for my uteran lesions to heal enough to no longer be in the danger zone of internal bleeding and a follow up with my OB.  I drove home in a daze.

For the last month, I have been in shock. I have been at a loss for words and the ability to outlet my emotions into something else has failed me. I have questioned, re-questioned, and continued to doubt if I could have done something different. Right after Mr. Superman left, we both began to have dreams and feelings about getting pregnant, being pregnant, and delivering a baby. I laughed it all off and refused to take a test. Taking a test that would turn out the be the 200th some-odd negative result would only depress me. I asked the doctors if I could have done something and was told that no, there was no prevention to the uteran wall tear. After all of that sank in, I began to question. You know, the age old question of WHY? Why would God allow this? Why allow me to once again get pregnant, but before I even realize it, take another baby away? Why have this happen when I was at my most vulnerable and alone. My husband is in the middle of a very real war-zone over 8,000 miles away. There is absolutely nothing he could do to comfort me and having to tell him would only cause him extreme pain and stress. Telling Mr. Superman was the second hardest thing I have ever had to tell him. I could see the worry and fear in his eyes.

I can honestly say, without fear of offending anyone, that I can count on one hand the amount of people who get it. Out of those three people, only one has suffered a loss so deep that I cannot even begin to imagine what she has gone through. Her attempts in helping me, to comfort me, have left me awed at her strength and selflessness. Being able to correspond with her though, and open up to her, has helped. Only a tiny, microscopic bit, but it has helped. Emily, you know I'm talking about you. I was able to confide in her that I felt as if I had not even begun to mourn and I had people acting as if nothing had happened or that I should already be over it. Let me say this, it hasn't even been a month yet. There is no time line for grief or mourning. There is no right or wrong way to do it. No matter how much I may seem okay or able to deal, it is 95% a facade. I have lost a friendship so very dear to me in the course of all of this which has made it all the more difficult. Losing anybody, let alone a child, is something you never, ever get over whether that child be 8 weeks along in conception, 4 months, a year old, 12 years old, or 60 years old. It is one of the impossibly difficult, seemingly unconquerable hurdles thrown into people's lives when they least expect it that tests us to our cores.

So there you have it. We now have 3 Angel Babies awaiting us on the other side. Its a very bittersweet notion. I think it always will be. Some days, most days, I ache all over from the emotional pain. It has been unspeakably heart-wrenching to go through this without my best friend, my husband, and the other half of my heart by my side. This is one of those things that you just don't want to believe and yet no matter how often you tell yourself it isn't real, or how many times you close your eyes in hopes that when they open, it will all have been a horrible dream, it just doesn't go away. You always want to believe things will get better and I know, deep, deep down, that it will. Eventually.

Right now I take it one day at a time. I still feel as if it was truly, one of the most unfair things I have had placed upon me, but then I think about how much worse it all could have been and I regret being angry at my Heavenly Father. He is in control and He by far, is the only one who knows why. It is human nature to question everything, especially in our weak moments, but human nature is not an excuse. He knows my capabilities much better than I could even guess at which is why I have not yet given up. That along with the fact that I have to be whole and healthy when Mr. Superman steps off that bus next year.

34 comments:

Sarah said...

Oh no. =( Sweetie, I am so sorry. I can't imagine what you're going through. I wish there was something I could do... Praying for you...

Sending great big hugs your way.

Samantha said...

I can't even put into words how sorry I am for the pain you must be feeling. You are in my complete thoughts and prayers.
We will never know why God gives us angel babies. What we do know is that He will not give us more than we can handle.
I pray you won't have to feel this pain ever again.

Random Musings Of My Life said...

I am so sorry for your loss.

I am here if you need me..

Beka said...

When you told me this about a month ago, my heart broke for you. I hated that this happened to you. I hated that it happened on your anniversary. I hated that the hubs wasn't here to help you through. I hate that we live so far and I couldn't give you a hug.

Again I'm so sorry you had to go through this. For what it's worth, I think you are such a strong and amazing woman!! <3

Sending love and hugs your way!

Mrs. Air Force said...

I'm so sorry :( I hope things get better for you! Don't ever give up hope!

McDancer said...

I am so sorry for your loss. Nothing I can say will make it better, but I will say a pray for you and your angel babies. <3

Bonnie said...

Oh honey... I wish I could hug you right now... :(

Expat Girl said...

I have no words or actions to fix anything but I can say that I am sorry for your loss. I hope that with each morning you wake up a little bit stronger and I know God has something in His plans for you guys. Prayers and hugs for you

I Am a Marine's Girl said...

I don't even know what to say...I have not had to experience anything similar to this in any way shape or form...I just think you are quite possibly the strongest woman I know and I love you dearly...Hugs!

Lindsey said...

Know that I am still here for you if you need me. I may be a very bad blogger over the last few weeks, but I am religious about checking my email (except the last couple days cause my computer is down). Like I said, if you can get out here, I would totally love to be able to take you out and have a girls day and just relax.

I know where you are with all this, hon, and I ache for you, and for the pain that you are going through. I know that you understand from everything I have gone through, and although my pain is, well, painful, I hurt for you because I can only imagine the pain that you are going through right now, because with each person, and with each loss, the pain is always different.

Just remember that I am here if you need me, no matter what, and that I am praying for you and to keep your head up, and know that heavenly father only gives us what he knows we can handle, even if we think we can't.

Email me if you need me hon. I'm here for you.

Katie said...

My kids are looking at me and wondering why I'm crying.
Rachelle, not a day goes by that I don't think about you. I definately can not even begin to imagine your heartache on so many levels.
I hope you know how much I love you. I feel like we can understand each other with so many things and past experiences. It's so nice to have someone in the family who has been to my side of the world pre-gospel.
You are such an amazing woman and Cody knows how blessed he is to have you. I have seen that in his face every time I've seen you two together. You are a great example to others and your words and actions speak so loudly we just can't help but notice them.
I am always here for you if you need to escape or just a change of scenery. I can hang out, talk, or shut up for you. Whatever you need sister.
I know you have been trying to be healthy to so if you need a walking partner I would love do that too!
Don't let anyone bring you down or try to define you. You are the only one who know whats in your heart and the only one who can decide how you feel.
Sorry I hope this doesn't sound too corny but I just wanted you to know how amazing you are and I am so happy we are sisters. Love ya girly!

Mrs. Muffins said...

Girl I wish I could just give you a hug right now. <3 Love you!

Erin said...

I can't even begin to imagine what you are going through and how difficult the last month must have been. It is hard enough to go through a miscarriage, let alone go through it alone without your husband. I am so, so sorry for you loss.

Kara said...

Rachelle, I echo everything all of these people who care about you have said. Nothing we can say can make it better. I know I will probably never really understand the heartache and emotional pain you are feeling. I want you to know though that I really am praying for you and Cody. The only person who truly knows how you feel is the Savior, and he will help you make it through. He understands the pain, He understands the heartache and emotional upheaval you've been through, He understands the anger you feel.

I am so sorry for your loss!

Team Mama said...

My heart has ached for you since you called and today me when this happened. I am so sorry. I know in some measure what you are going through as I lost 2- both at 12 weeks- and one was Cody's twin! We've been praying extra hard for you and wish there was something- anything that we could do to help- to ease your pain. For what it's worth- just know that you are loved.

Skinnie Piggie said...

I know nothing I write here will ease your pain or wounds, but know that others are praying for you.

LivKit said...

Oh goodness, Bless your heart! I couldnt imagine, I have PCOS and Endro and might not ever get the chance to have a baby, but I dont know how I would ever go on knowing that I lost a baby, let alone 3. You are very strong, and I am sure your husband is very supportive... I know it is still hard because he is so close and hurting too but you have a great support group right here away from the family and if you ever need to talk just email me.. I feel absolutely horrible and just cried reading this! I hope you have a great weekend and that you soon see light at the end of your tunnel :)

Ashlee G. said...

Oh sweetheart, I know that anything I say wont be of any comfort but my heart aches for you. Your strength and faith is something that I've always admired. I can't even imagine the pain that you unfortunatly are suffering. I feel a similar pain every month and a tiny piece of my heart shatters. That alone renders me useless for at least a few hours. You are much stronger than I am and I admire that quality in you.

You are truly a wonderful person and as always, I'm here to listen to you whenever you need an understanding ear.

Young Mom/Wife said...

I am so sorry for this tremendous loss. I do not understand what you are going through, but I wish I could reach out and just hug you.
Our Commander's wife wrote a marvelous book in order to help her deal with the loss of all of her angel babies. It is called "Notes from the Margins" by Alane Pearce. It may be something that can help you start finding that healing conversation with God.

I am sorry if that seems to forward right now, I just hate to see anyone hurting...

chambanachik said...

I am so sad and so angry for you right now. I think it shows so much strength for you to post this, maybe more strength than anyone I know. I definitely have added more to my list to pray for.

Sespi said...

I'm so sorry :( You and your husband will be in my prayers...

Steph said...

I'm so sorry that this happened to you and that it had to happen while he was gone. I'll be thinking of you... If you need anything I'm only an email away.

Natalie said...

i am so terribly sorry you are having to go through this again and this time without your sweetie. my heart is just aching for you and just know i am praying for you.

jack+alli said...

i am so so sorry you have had to suffer those losses of your sweet babies. you are so strong, you really amaze me. the trial of infertility is not for the faint of heart. it really sucks! but one thing i do know is when you do have your baby-no matter how it comes- it makes it all worth it. you are in my prayers.
xoxo

Miss E said...

I wish there was something that I could do to help ease your pain. I am so sorry for all of this happening and that Mr. Superman can't be there with you through all of this. You are a stronger woman that you will ever believe *HUGE hugs*

KelleeLyn said...

I read all of this with a lot of pain in my heart for you. I will pray that God places his healing hand upon you.

Also, thank you for always commenting on my posts! I'm such a bad bloggy friend and hardly ever comment on yours. But do know that I read you!

C said...

You are one seriously tough cookie. I am so, so sorry this happened to you. You are very strong and I completely admire the way you are handling this on your own. I don't mean that you're not mourning; I mean that you're asking Why? but you're not letting it poison your spirit.

You are clearly meant for wonderful, beautiful things.

Matthew 5:4
"Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted."

If you need anything, please don't hesitate to let me help!

Chelle said...

I truly wish I had the words to lessen the pain you feel. My heart is breaking not FOR but WITH you.

Allie said...

I am so so sorry for your loss :( To go through this so many times has to be incredibly difficult and you are in my prayers. I wish I knew the right words to say to offer some comfort, but I hope all these messages offer your some comfort.

*huge hugs*

Jessica said...

I am so, so sorry for your loss. I can not even begin to imagine the emotions your going through.

Your faith is such an example to so many! Thank you for being so real and so open.

Praying for you!

Monica said...

Oh Shelly, I'm sooooo sorry.... If only I could change everything for you.... I would. I will be praying for you... I wish I could do something to help. I hope Heavenly Father will somehow comfort you right now in your time of need. Please, write, call, or text me if you need some girl time, or just need to talk. I'm sorry....

Tonya said...

My heart goes out to you!

I'm so sorry about all that you have been going through. I'll be praying for God to give you and your husband comfort and peace as you deal with the loss of your babies. I'll also be praying for healing in your body.

**Big Hug**

Amanda said...

oh no... i am so sorry. :( my heart goes out to you. *hugs!*

Maranda said...

It breaks my heart to read this! I know you posted this weeks ago but I wish I could just give you a hug.