So the title of this blog is actually a song. A phenomenal song that I have always loved. This blog is actually some of my late night ramblings from a while back and I came across it and realized its the same stuff I am goin through right now. I love writing and have all of my stuff scattered on different web sites and in notebooks and random files on our computer. I have decided as I come across them I will publish them on here as I see fit. Also... Lately I have been thinking and thinking about wanting to somehow put our blog into a hard copy like a journal type thing and I have discovered Blurb!! Its a fantastic site where you can import or export (not sure which would be correct in this context) your blog with pictures and all and create a color hard backed book! I think I will do one yearly. Alright that's it. Here is my rambling portion.
Monday, June 16, 2008
brighter than sunshine
Current mood: forgotten
i'm not really sure where i'm going to go with this but i'm going.
its now 12:38 on monday morning. sunday consisted of me FINALLY going to urgent care. for the last two weeks i've been really fighting a lot of things just attacking my body. diagnosis: advanced bronchitis, sinus infection, ear infection, and weakened lungs. hmmm, got three prescriptions that are supposed to make me better. this is just one more thing on top of a million other things that got me thinking, questioning, reeling... the list could really go on and on but i'm too tired. what did people do way back when there weren't urgent cares and a ton of steroids and medications that we could take 3 times a day and magically get better? why are we as a society, as a world so reliant on.... everything but ourselves? sure we can all strive to be so called independent, self-reliant individuals but when it really comes down to it, we are not.
my friend hayley posted something a couple days ago that really got me pondering my life and my current circumstances. i am 20 years old. i'm married to an amazing man who loves me despite me. i should be the happiest person on earth and yet i am so discontent. i am not discontent with my marriage, i am not discontent with my surroundings or my environment but i am entirely discontent with me. with myself. i also have absolutely no one but to blame but myself.
my husband is younger than i yet he is so much further ahead in life than i. he has two years of school left. he has known what he's wanted for most of his life. sure he had bumps in his road and his plan didn't go exactly the way he planned but he rolled with it extremely well. he handled and continues to handle his life with a grace that i envy.
i am not ungrateful by any means. we have two fairly new, really nice vehicles that run well and serve their purpose. we have a really nice apartment that does more than serve its purpose. i have an amazing man who stands by me through all my instability. we have loving supporting families. we have a faith and religion that gives us hope and something to believe in. i know that in a couple years i'll have a baby and someone that depends entirely upon me. i am so completely blown away by how utterly blessed i am.
at the same time i still have these stirrings within myself that leave me feeling so let down, so discontent. it wasn't until tonight that i think i pinpointed where they are coming from. get this, it was while watching a lot like love. i guess life happens when we least expect it too right? i think that these feelings continue to grow and swell because (1) i push them aside and dont ever work through them and (2) because my life is staying the same. i, rachelle steele am pretty much the same person i've been since i was 16. its really quite silly when i think about it because i pride myself on being such a strong, unique individual and i am not. not deep down. i have so many unresolved feelings that originated oh, probably back in junior high. that sounds a little juvenile doesn't it?
growing up i always swore i'd be happy no matter what and that my friends would always be my friends and that no matter where i ended up i'd never have regrets. now i always tell others and myself that i don't have regrets. i guess i wouldnt call them regrets because if i didnt go through everything i've gone through, and make all the decisions i've made, then i wouldnt be the rachelle that i am. that sounds contradictory to the other things i'm saying but regrets just isn't the right word.
i havent quite gotten to the point where i've stated my new resolves but i'll get there. right now i know what i need. i need to stop comparing myself to every other soul around me because if i keep doing that, it'll be my internal demise. i am me. i've never really apologized for being me and i don't think i ever will. i am me.
i need to figure out what career a want to pursue. i need to write more. its such a fantastic outlet for me. you know, i started writing a book about 6 months ago. i said i wanted to write a book for about 5 years and i finally began it. but after working 6 hours on the opening, i shut my lap top and haven't looked at it since. its rather sad that the thing i crave and love is something that i can never just quite summon the energy for. i'm the sole identity to blame for that. i need to say thank you more. i need to tell people i love the more. i need to start making myself a better person. i need to work on my "friendships". that is one more thing i can blame on myself. i need to change. i really do.
another thing i need to do is go crawl in bed next to my husband. i suppose this is enough for tonight (or this morning) either way this is enough.
Currently listening :
Strange and Beautiful
Release date: 2006-01-17