Life is tough.
I don't think anyone would argue with that statement and I for one, would agree wholeheartedly. I've been through things I never would have imagined could ever happen to me and unbelievably, I came out alive and most of the time, stronger for it.
Life isn't fair.
Bad things happen to good people.
Houses burn down.
Incredible human beings get cancer and die.
Babies don't make it past 2 years old or even past the womb.
Murderers get away.
People's dreams never come to fruition.
Women get raped.
Horrible, unspeakable, horrendous things happen and a lot of the time, it seems as if justice does not get served.
The truth is, I was raped.
On October 4, 2009 I was brutally raped not once but twice and nearly choked and suffocated to death.
My husband knows.
A few family members know.
Even fewer friends know.
Now, you know.
As I sit here shaking, heart pounding, feeling almost winded as if I just got done running a mile, I need to let those words sink in. Mostly for my benefit these words need to hang in the air and need to be given the time to recognize their new surroundings. Its time for them to start being a part of the world that I am a part of, rather than just a part of me. Its time for those words to start breathing on their own so I can start breathing again. For over a year and a half now, the truth of what happened to me has been tucked away in the seemingly safe yet horribly restricted confines of my mind and in the attempt to keep it secret and protected, I have lost bits of myself and have become a prisoner to this monumental burden.
I was raped and I will share the story but for now, the truth is out and hopefully I can now start traveling down the winding and ever elusive road to healing and freedom.
35 comments:
You're strong, love. You made it through physically... and I know you'll make it through emotionally. <3
A strong woman you are!! Just putting that fact out there may give you some of the freedom you deserve!!!
I can't imagine how hard it was for you to even share this with...well, the world. Or even how hard it's been for you to carry the burden of that unspeakable act. It takes a very strong person (even if you're just relying on God to be strong for you) to deal with something like that. I hope that you can find healing soon. Sending you great big hugs and prayers, lovey. =)
Hi Rachelle-
I've been a lurker for awhile (I keep meaning to start writing again, sorry for being anonymous). I was also raped twice one October night, in 2006, and it was several years before I was able to start talking about it. When I did, one thing that I read helped immeasurably. I'm paraphrasing, but it was something like this: "After the Holocaust, two things were proven to help survivors heal: massage, and sharing their stories. Touching and being touched." At the end of the day, as social creatures, that's what we need the most. It will hurt, sometimes as much as it did when it happened, but what you're doing is a good thing. I wish you luck with your journey. God bless.
- Gabriela
you are so brave and beautiful, thank you for telling your story. i know that maybe it doesn't feel like it right now, but you are helping yourself and I know there must be other women reading this right now that you are helping immensely.
hugs!
I just wanted to let you know that I am proud of you for sharing, for I can't imagine how hard it must have been. Praying for you, as you continue on your journey of healing.
I just can't even imagine what it must have been like to go through that. There are no words. I am glad you are sharing your story, I know it will help others out there that have suffered the same thing and even those that haven't. Most importantly, it will help you to process what you have been through.
I can't imagine how hard it was for you to share this with all of your followers. You seem like such a strong person and I know you will overcome this. It may take a while, but you will. I will be praying for you!! Much love and many hugs!!!
i'm so sorry sweet girl. Was this while you were married or before? My sister at the age of 13 was tied to the bed and gang raped and left for dead until one of the guys took pity on her and snuck her out and she returned home. her life went horribly wrong after that incident and just in the last 3 yrs she finally got off of drugs at the age of 30yrs old after almost dying from a heart attack. What we keep inside can hurt is so much.
I only recently shared my story at age 32yrs old about being raped at age 19yr old, having been a virgin, and getting pregnant from it and the ensuing hardest decision of my life to place the baby for adoption. Only my immediate family and some church members knew my story and the details of it.
It does catch your breath, it is hard to share your story and it's even harder to carry the pain around hidden for so long. I so hope you will feel the support and love that can come from sharing this intimate truth. I hate this was done to you, i know you can live and carry on and become stronger because of it, even when it sucks BIG TIME!
you are loved and supported and thought the world of. :)
hillary
I can't even imagine the pain you've endured, but I hope talking about your horrible situation brings you some peace. I'll keep a good thought for you.
I know you know how I feel- I hope you feel all of our total support from here. You are in our prayers every single day- you are an inspiration to so many- hard as it is, you are coming out of this triumphant. Love you much!
Wow, what an amazing thing to share. You have always been an incredibly strong woman in my eyes, and now you jumped up ten more degrees, if such a things were possible! I hope by sharing you will heal emotionally and spiritually <3
Oh hon. You are so brave and so strong. I hope, through sharing, you're able to find healing and peace and help others find it, too. I'm sure there are other women out there who need to know they are not alone. Love and hugs, babe. You are amazing!
Oh my gosh... I am so sorry! I can't even imagine what you have and what you are going through. You are so strong and brave to talk about on it here. I hope that doing this will help you heal!
You are so brave and courageous for sharing your story with us. I'm sure this was so hard for you to write. Not only are you helping yourself cope, but you are also helping the many others who are struggling with similar experiences. Hold your head high!
I am so sorry that this happened to you! Thank you for being so brave by sharing this with us--I hope that by sharing this, you are able to heal even more!
*Virtual hug*
You are so brave, and I admire your courage. Being able to acknowledge what happened will not only free yourself, but it will also give others the courage to speak up. And perhaps one day, this issue will take on a higher power, and justice will be served. It take strong women like yourself to get that justice, and I thank you.
I hope this blog helps you with the healing, and I am here with you, listening.
xoxo
I completely relate to your story. I took me more than two years before I told anyone. Only family, a few close friends and a teacher know the nitty, gritty details. I hope you can find some healing through posting this <3
How amazingly brave you are to share such a dark secret, and I hope that just sharing it, just letting those words "breathe" as you put it does give you the freedom and healing you deserve. I'm sure you are getting stronger everyday, and I know that just by sharing your story your are going to touch and help so many other women. *big hug*
I was moved and touched by the blunt honesty of your post today. I am also a rape survivor, though it's not something I have ever been brave enough to discuss out here in blog land. I wish I could give you a big hug. Sharing this with us is touching and will help othres out there who haven't been brave enough to face this experience in their lives.
I've been thinking all day of what to say to this. I'm so sorry this happened to you. I wish horrible things like this never happened to anyone. It certainly stays with you for the rest of your life. Even if you decide you don't want it to.
I was raped when I was 12 years old by my 14 year old boyfriend. I've only told my husband and a few friends. I can sometimes still remember that feeling I had when I thought my life was going to end. I adore you and I wish nothing but happiness for you.
I'm not sure how to phrase what I am feeling. I am so proud of you. I'm so thankful for your strength to share your truth.
I hope that saying it out loud is a good step towards healing. I hope if gives you freedom. I hope it helps you take some of the power from your attacker away and helps empower you.
I can't imagine the strength it has taken for you to share these simple words, but I'm so glad that you did. I will always be here for you.
I'm so sorry this happened to you. I hope talking about this help you heal. I can't imagine how you must feel saying it out loud. I still can't talk about crap that has happened in my life, to like anyone. You're so strong, I'm praying for you dear
I hope by sharing you are able to write away some of your feelings. My prayers are with you and do talk to me if you ever need or want to- we have some things in common.
Sorry it took me so long to comment. I read this about 5 minutes after you posted it but couldn't find the words. I know how this secret has eaten you alive, with memories resurfacing at the most unlikely and unwelcome moments. I know how it feels to want to wash yourself back to the person you were before it happened but no matter what you do it's on you like a stain, shadowing your every move. It's hell. And it's not worth protecting such a secret because it's not your wrong to right. You were brutalized, but that person responsible should have to carry the weight of it, not you. You are so strong and beautiful and brave for putting this out there and being so brutally honest. Love you for this.
Oh girly. I wanted to comment before, but had to wait for Blogger to let me. I think it's admirable of you to be so honest. I'm glad you have such a good husband to be your rock for such a horrible time.
I can not even begin to imagine. I am so very sorry. You are an incredibly strong woman and I admire you so very much
I love you!! I get stregth from you all the time through facebook, blogger world, and your tweets on facebook. I'm sooooo tremendously sorry that this happened to you. You have had a lot more hardships then any other person I know. You have still stayed strong though. I'm super proud of you for sharing, and I know this has lifted a burden off of your shoulders that no one understands, but I know that God is on your side, and you have an outstanding husband who loves you more then life itself. Please let me know if there is anything I can do for you. You have my cell.... hopefully?? Same one that I've had for years! Best of luck while going through this for you and your hubby! XOXOXO
You're an amazing woman....truly this is something that just ANY person could go through. Thank you for speaking out on this. It pains me that in today's culture people joke or even think it's something that isn't as serious as it should be. You're in my prayers and whenever you need anyone to talk to, I'll definitely be here ♥
Good for you!
I'm so sorry that happened to you, but I'm glad you are alive to tell the tale.
It's important not to let these things linger inside, alone, with no way out. Because they ALWAYS find a way out. Let it out on your terms girl.
Good for you for getting it out there and no longer being scared of it.
Just breathe honey...we are here for you!
I've always known it, but now I know it even more...you are an incredible woman. I just hate that something as horrible as that happened to you. I think it's amazing how brave you are to share this with your readers, and I hope you know that we're all here to help you as you travel along your road to recovery.
Sending hugs, kisses, and prayers your way. Email me if you ever want to chat. Keep breathing sweetheart.
Thank you for sharing. What an amazing person you are!! I wish I could make your pain go away. I'm so glad that you have a loving husband to get see you through this. I hope it's not insensitive to ask, but did they catch the monster who did this to you?
I'm just catching up on blogs and I'm so sorry you had to go through this.
I can't {legally} talk about mine publically but I was raped when I was 13. Twelve years later I still have nightmares and issues. Healing and Freedom take time. I kept my secret for 5 years before I told anyone the truth about what happened. It sounds like you are being very brave and taking the steps you need to take care of yourself.
If you ever need to talk you know where to find me!
You are an amazingly strong woman!! I applaud you for sharing and you will be amazed at the women you help with your bravery.
Know that you are in my prayers.
I just read this and need to say how strong of a woman you are. I cannot even begin to fathom what you have been through.
My thoughts and prayers are with you.
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