Um... Come Again?

You know that feeling when you finally do something you've been working up the courage to do for years and then when you do, instead of feeling that heady sense of accomplishment, you're more sick to your stomach than anything else?

When I broke my silence, I was prepared to feel a little safer, a little more alive, and maybe even a little more in control. So far, I have felt unbelievably lost and in spite of all the kind words, I have allowed the hateful words of a few mar what should have been an incredible start to a new, ever-understanding, stronger than I could have imagined, support system.

Why is hate such a strong fuel for some people?

What do they gain from judging others so unfairly and without reason?

Is it because they are so self-loathing?

Is it because they are missing some vital part in their make up that keeps them from feeling remorse, empathy, sympathy, any good human emotion at all?

I just don't get it.

It always catches me off guard and even though there is that part of me that wants to retaliate and retort, more than anything else, it increases my desire to just curl up in a ball and forget my plans for the future. The plans that involved me taking a stand, forgetting the failure of establishments that are supposed to protect and save. Rather than delving into this world where everyone knows what happened to me and are sending me thousands of words of kindness, love, and hope, I want to just shut it all off. It makes me feel as if it would just be easier to shove it all back in that safe-guarded prison of my mind and pretend I can manage on my own.


Amanda C. said...

It's unbelievable the hate that people carry in their hearts. :(
I'm so sorry for what those people have said to you.

C said...

I just read "The Truth"...I am so sorry.

And I know how you feel.

"Rape is a crime that revolves around power, hostility, and violence." (After the Silence.com)People who are weak need to prove to themselves that they are powerful.

One way to do that is to force someone to do something against their will. Another way is to try and force someone to feel something against their will.

For me, I had to let it go. I couldn't hold onto it without tearing myself apart. I know it seems foolish, but I starting visualizing- I pictured that someone tried to put this hard rock of hate inside me, and if it could get me to hate, it would be a parasite and grow. But if I decided to take it, use my own power of will and forcibly change it to good, I could dole it out as doing good in the world and letting other people feel love.

Instead of taking away power from me, it made me more powerful and more giving than before. I made it in my mind that I took one awful thing that happened to me and changed it into a hundred good things I could do in the world.

I know I'm rambling, but I've never said that before.

And if that doesn't do anything for you, have about this:


(I want to hang with this kid. Srsly.)

Team Mama said...

It's amazing to me that some people always have to be negative... they really must have something missing in their lives to take the time to be hateful to you over your courageous "coming out" of what happened. Shame on them! Also... Satan doesn't want you to feel better so he uses people like this as tools to get to you- DON'T LET HIME WIN!!! Take courage and strength from those who love you and support you and kick the others down the road! Rely on the one who can heal your pain. Love you! <3 <3 <3

C said...

Ugh, I'm lame, but I just ran across this doing something else and it was so appropos!

"The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong."

Love me some Gandhi.

(That might make an excellent t-shirt. Hmmm...)

Marie said...

You are one of the strongest women I know! You know I'm here :)

It's Something Beautiful said...

I have been away from my blog for a while now and haven't been able to read much for blogs so I had to go back a couple posts to fully understand what you were talking about.

I'm so sorry about you being raped. No person deserves it. It's not right and it's a horrible, horrible thing to ever go through.

I was sexually assaulted a couple years back and to this day I still struggle with it. The hardest part was other peoples reactions. They said horrible things to me, some didn't believe, while others cared more about him then what I was going through. The hardest part though was when my best friend blamed me for it... It was straight-up-horrible.

You can't let what other people think/say/feel tear you down. You are not a victim, your a survivor. You are so much more than what those men did to you. You are a beautiful person in and out. And so very strong.

If you need anything, just ask. I'd be more than willing to help you during this hard time.

Maranda said...

I'm absolutely speechless. I can't believe anyone would say anything negative to you after such a heartfelt and scary confession. I'm so sorry you had to read that or that those misguided words made you feel inadequate or unloved. I hope you find it in yourself to ignore those people. They aren't worth your time or energy.

Chelle said...

The asses that spew negativity and hate to you are those that have nothing better in their life then holding others down. If you allow for their hate to stop you from succeeding in moving through this then they win. You have to use their hate as your motivation and fuel to keep going. To be better. I wish you only the best in this journey. It is still one that I have yet to take even 15 years later.

Skinnie Piggie said...

I don't understand people who throw words out there that they can't take back even if they manage to squeak out an apology. I hate the saying "sticks & stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me" because it is exactly opposite of that. Physical wounds heal faster than emotional wounds, and while physical wounds may leave a visible reminder... emotional wounds play around in your mind for days-weeks-months-years.

I pray that you can overcome the childish hate that has been shown towards you. Focus on the goodness in live and pray for peace. We're praying for you too.

chambanachik said...

I truly believe some people have no heart.

But you do, and it's beautiful.

Don't let them take a single bit of that away from you.

trooppetrie said...

can you find me that light switch, I would pay big money for it. honestly I am just encouraging you to stay strong and I appriciate your honesty

JG said...

I'm sorry. How crazy. Please don't let the haters bring you down. You are stronger and better than them. Praying for you, hon.

addicted2shius said...

I can't believe you really got hateful words. I can't imagine what horrible things someone could possibly have to say to you! Sorry love!