You know that feeling when you finally do something you've been working up the courage to do for years and then when you do, instead of feeling that heady sense of accomplishment, you're more sick to your stomach than anything else?
When I broke my silence, I was prepared to feel a little safer, a little more alive, and maybe even a little more in control. So far, I have felt unbelievably lost and in spite of all the kind words, I have allowed the hateful words of a few mar what should have been an incredible start to a new, ever-understanding, stronger than I could have imagined, support system.
Why is hate such a strong fuel for some people?
What do they gain from judging others so unfairly and without reason?
Is it because they are so self-loathing?
Is it because they are missing some vital part in their make up that keeps them from feeling remorse, empathy, sympathy, any good human emotion at all?
I just don't get it.
It always catches me off guard and even though there is that part of me that wants to retaliate and retort, more than anything else, it increases my desire to just curl up in a ball and forget my plans for the future. The plans that involved me taking a stand, forgetting the failure of establishments that are supposed to protect and save. Rather than delving into this world where everyone knows what happened to me and are sending me thousands of words of kindness, love, and hope, I want to just shut it all off. It makes me feel as if it would just be easier to shove it all back in that safe-guarded prison of my mind and pretend I can manage on my own.