Adventures in Ambien

Hey ya'll, I've got Katie from Diary of a Disgruntled Marine Bride-To-Be and ...Take Me Down to the Little White Church... She is seriously fantastic. Love her. When she said she'd guest blog for me, we had a funny little conversation that actually led her to what she ended up writing about. Something about an email she didn't remember because of... well, you'll see. Read on. She had me and Mr. Superman rolling when we read it a few days ago.

"Mrs. S asked me to write a guest post a long time ago and I have, admittedly, been a bad blogger friend. Initially, I didn't know what to write about and when I gave her my list of possibilities, she said she could use some humor. This was before Mr. Superman and Mrs. S. received the news of the Big D and after all of this, I decided humor was definitely the way to go!

Let's start out with a few quick facts:
  1. I never sleep. Calling me a raging insomniac is a huge understatement.
  2. Due to previous illness and hospitalizations, medicine does nothing to knock me out. Have you ever heard of Haldol? It's the stuff they give the crazies in the ER to knock them out very.quickly. I can drive after they give it to me.
  3. I've tried just about every sleeping pill on the market and it's hit or miss whether they will work on any given day.
Alright, to the humor. Have you guys read the warnings on Ambien? My doctor prescribed it in the latest negotiations with the Sand Man and I cracked up as I read to Frank, something along the lines of, "You may have sex or raid your kitchen or drive your car and have no recollection of it in the morning."

It sounded like wishful thinking to me.

Seriously, ya'll?!?! Ambien is no.freaking.joke.

I've taken it before and I swear they've made it stronger.

The first night I took it, I went to bed before Frank. When he came to bed, he found me in the guest room, where I proceeded to get teary eyed when I told him that I couldn't take Taber kicking me anymore and would see him in the morning. Apparently Taber was in the living room with Frank the entire time. And, I was spooning with Cowboy.

When I went home to get my wedding dress, I may or may not have gone into my sister's room to talk to her about jewelry for the engagement pictures at about 12:30 a.m. And if I did, I definitely didn't wake her up, turn on her light, talk to her for half an hour and go through her jewelry box.

And then there was the time that I may or may not have worried all day that Frank and I had a fight before he went to work. I thought he screamed at me after I refused to get up to help him find his PT sweat pants. Sweat pants.Camp Lejeune. July. Oh Ambien, you joker.

And I definitely, because it would be too weird and I would be too ashamed to admit it, did not pet Frank for a good twenty minutes one night while he was trying to sleep after spending the week in the field. Our dinner convo the next night didn't go something like this:

"Babe, did you take an Ambien last night?
"Um, maybe, why?"
"Because you were petting me. And babbling on and on about something. I was going to take advantage of you, but I thought that might be against some law."
"Frank, you have lost your mind. You have some vivid dreams."
"Babe, you should really consider giving up the Ambien."

I should give up the Ambien. And I tried. But, the insomnia is horrible. So I snuck back to my beloved Ambien.

And then I found myself wandering in the backyard, in the middle of the night, when Frank was in the field. I was trying to get Taber to come inside and I swear, he really was outside, but I kept thinking the brush and stack of pavers beside the shed were moving. I know Taber ignores me, but my goodness, they didn't even blink at my pleas to come in the house.

That was the night I vowed to never take Ambien again...unless Frank is at home.

Oh Ambien, dear, sweet, bringing on the antics that I don't remember in the morning, Ambien, we have such a love/hate relationship.

And, just for the record, I never did any of this. Really, I'm serious. Never."


annoyed army wife said...

Too funny! I'm blessed with the gift of sleep (go ahead and hate me), and I don't need drugs to make me do crazy sh*t. I sleepwalk and talk (not just mumble) in my sleep.

Neidy said...

That is quite possibly the most hilarious thing I've ever read! :)

Miss E said...

oh my goodness. TOO. FUNNY! Oh Ambien... I never knew that people do these things when on it :) lol

Anonymous said...

Oh Ambien, My Ambien! If it weren't for you, I'd never sleep. I have many A-induced storied, but the one that's the funniest is that I apparently can hold a lucid conversation (no slurring) while under the influence. I woke my dh up at 1:30am and ask him to get me the phone. He did. I called my next door neighbor, scaring them to death because of the hour. I told him that I was in dire need of a heating pad and a humidifier and was sending J over to get them for me. J went and helped C look all thru his garage for the humidifier. When J got home, I was sound asleep. The next morning when asked if I remembered, I basically called J a liar....until he showed me the heating pad (they searched for over 30 minutes for the humidifier, never found it). I WAS MORTIFIED! Had to call neighbors and apologize (they laughed their tails off at me...) Thanks Ambien, Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused!

Goodnight moon said...

Haha...I've never had to take Ambien, although, I just might start now!

Wife on the Roller Coaster said...

That's hilarious! I've never taken Ambien, and after reading this, I don't think I ever will. I used to sleep walk as a kid (without any drugs!), and it was so scary when my parents told me the next morning what I had done. I used to talk in my sleep alot too...very embarrassing when you just moved in with your boyfriend. :) I can't even imagine what I'd do on Ambien!!!

Amber said...

Hahaha...I'm so sorry that you have difficulty sleeping. I toss and turn often so I can completely relate.

Niquil makes me go all crazy at night so I can't imagine what Ambien would do to me.

Great guest post Mrs. S!

Jordan said...

hahaha LOVE this. as a nurse im always giving people ambien and it is definitely NO joke! great post :)

Kathi said...

I belive you, fo sho! My ex husband used to take Ambien. I got a black eye one night because he was fighting in his sleep. Another time I caught him eating all kinds of stuff in the kitchen. Another time, I got ready for work and he had been in the kitchen and left the BRAND NEW gallon of milk out on the counter!

take it said...

My dr. prescribed 10 mg ambien for me instead of hormones for my night sweats. I was waking up 20 times a night burning up! With the ambien I just sleep right through most of them. It has been wonderful. But like so many others have said, you must go to bed soon after taking it or you will do strange things that you won’t remember. My husband gained 30 pounds before we realized he was eating chips, ice cream, etc. after taking his ambien. Since I go to bed earlier than he does, I didn’t catch on for a while. I guess this might happen with any drug that sedates. Overall, I would recommend ambien for insomnia.