8.31.2010

The One Where I Fall Apart

Yeah. I have been at a total loss for words lately. I have had zero desire to blog and if it weren't for this break down I have going on right now, I still wouldn't be blogging. This is the one where I fall apart. The one where despite all of my attempts, efforts, energies, and vows to keep it together, I fail. I mean epically. The one where my oath of being stalwart and brave, if for no other reason than to not let my husband, you know the one actually going to war, see me lose it, is broken.

I try really, really hard to keep our personal lives (discussions, tiffs, super personal stuff) off the blog. I just don't think its the place for it. This isn't anything against people who do air it all out, its just not for us. I also make a very conscious effort to not complain. It irks me so badly when all I hear or see or read is military spouses (or anyone really) complaining. An occasional vent session is fine. Everybody has to let off steam somehow but complaining about schedule changes, date move-ups, date push-backs, new orders, no orders, dramadramadrama, and telling everybody on Facebook and Twiiter how sad/depressed you are, or how much you hate this or that, does nobody, I mean NOBODY any good. It actually, to me at least, makes me perceive you as a little juvenile and quite frankly, obnoxious.

Now here is where some people might start calling me a hypocrite. As I said, I lost it. And I have to let this out.

I know some people have already heard, but Mr. Superman is not getting leave. At all. Under any circumstances. Why? No reason. I mean seriously there has been no reason given other than "You don't get leave. Its straight from Command." WTFrick??? Yes, its just Mr. Superman. "Well everyone else is getting leave because they had it on the calender a long time ago." Okay idiot, my husband didn't have leave on the calender months ago, because he just found out he was deploying. Why so last minute? Because of another ignorant Airman's mistake. Now add to that frustration, the fact that he not only has meetings, appointments, and briefings during the day but still works his shift of 1445 (2:45 PM) to 2300 (11:00 PM) and still doesn't get home until nearly midnight, it means it was really only a matter of time before I broke.

And break I did. Mr. Superman was told he would be getting off early tonight since he had his first appointment of the day at 0900. It wasn't the first time he's been told this and it definitely wasn't the first time I got a text saying, "I'm not getting off early."

That was the straw that broke the camels back. I mean that camel is paralyzed now.

"Are you freaking serious? Why not?"

"Because there's only 4 people here now and we have to send someone down to the bomb dump at 1700 to help with a huge inventory."

"Nice. So you're screwed over, once again. I am so sick of this."

A few more text exchanges and then I did it. I let him know that I broke.

"It's not your fault. I am just so sick of the lack of concern and consideration for you and your family. There is no follow through on anyone's part. I hate everything about this deployment and its making everything a million times harder not being able to spend time with you. You have no idea how hard its been NOT to fall apart and complain and be upset. Or how many times I've gone into the bathroom or gotten into the shower so I could have a breakdown without having to worry about what it would do to you if you saw me lose it."

FAIL
FAIL
FAIL
FAIL

You wanna know what happened then? I cried. HARD. Actually, it began with the first text, and quickly got progressively worse. First a few tears, then enough that I had to go wash off my makeup, then sobs, then the big ugly cry where I started to hyperventilate. It got so bad I nearly passed out because I wasn't getting enough air. It took a good fifteen minutes with my head between my knees before I could get up. Pathetic? Maybe. It was a long time coming though and I truly believe it is no where near from being over and finished. Pre-deployment breakdowns aren't something I can just wrap up in a neat little package and wait to open it until he leaves. I still feel horribly guilty that he now knows how hard this all is on me. Isn't that a deployment rule? Don't let your husband see you sad, angry or upset and most definitely, don't let him see you cry. Well he didn't see it but he knows.

I know its hard for him too but he's excited. He said it makes him feel like a legitimate soldier being sent over there. He said the worst part for him is just the amount of time that we're apart. For me, its being alone. Yes I will be living with my sister and the house will be far from empty, but I am alone. I will be surrounded by civilians that have no hope of getting it. I'm grateful I can go stay with family, I am, but being thrust back into a civilian world with absolutely no physical contact with this military world is tough. I will be going through our wedding anniversary, for the second year in a row, alone. I will be alone for the one year mark. I will be alone for our angel babies anniversaries. I will be alone for Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, and my birthday. I will be alone for a long time and its hard. Its just beginning to hit me how very difficult this is going to be, how I am no where near ready for it, and I can't do a single thing to stop it. Then I think about him going through all this stuff alone too and I feel immensely guilty again for having these thoughts and emotions.

My denial is getting me nowhere. The fact that I haven't packed my house doesn't mean I don't have to move in a few weeks. The fact that I don't do laundry doesn't mean Mr. Superman will have to stay because he doesn't have clean ABU's. Not cooking doesn't mean he won't be leaving. Me refusing to do prep paperwork, doesn't mean we won't be going to the lawyer tomorrow to write our wills. This is all so frustrating and aggravating. And terrifying. 

Its not fair that I don't get an ounce of extra time with my husband before he goes to war but it is what it is. We chose this life and we knew what it came with. It doesn't make it any easier but I did have to let it all out. I just keep telling myself I need to get to the point that I can function and appear normal and composed. That's all that matters. I need to believe this is the way this time in our lives is supposed to go. I need to believe he'll come home soon safely. He will. I believe that. I believe we will get stronger from this and that even though its going to be one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, that I will become a better person because of it all. Why do I have to believe all of this? Because its the only way to survive.


41 comments:

Jessica @ {Mis}Adventures of an Army Wife said...

*Hugs*

Natalie said...

oh goodness. i'm not sure i even have good words to say. i am so sorry you're having to go through all of these emotions. i'm not going to pretend like i can remotely understand how you feel because i DON'T but i think you are so brave. so so brave. i know it will be the hardest time on you but I think the Lord will bless you for it. i know you feel like you have to be strong for your husband but it was bound to happen sometime right?? it's ok to be vulnerable around him! i'm sure he loves you for who you are and its ok to let it out on your blog too! even though im not a military spouse i know you have lots of blog friends who are and who have probably been through this before or can at least somewhat relate to it. i'm sorry you're hurting. praying for you!

Katie said...

Sweetheart, #1, you get to break down and be sad. There is no rule that says you cannot do it. Cody loves you and he knows your strong. NOBODY is strong ALL the time.

#2, I know that right now, you can't see the end in sight, but it is there. You will make it through this.

#3, Take that necklace and look at it. STRENGTH. It's in you. I know what you've been through. I know what you don't blog about. I know you are one of the strongest people I know. I know you can do this.

#4, I love you. Do you need help packing? I can come and help. Absolutely anything, all you have to do is tell me.

It's Something Beautiful said...

ugh, this breaks my heart! I can't imagine Mister getting deployed to Afghanistan, and yet I know that the time is coming. I'm so sorry that this is hurting you as much as it is. Don't be sorry for breaking down though.
In my opinion, sometimes being strong is knowing your limits and knowing that you need to cry and let things out once in a while. Whether its infront of your husband or in the shower (my place of meltdown).
It's so not fair that he doesnt get leave time, but like you said, thats the military. I'll keep you in my prayers that he wont have to work too late of hours and that you will have that quality time before he leaves.
He WILL come home safe, you WILL get through this, and things WILL get better. Stay strong and know that if you need anything I'm here as well as all of your other blog followers and friends.

www.life-itssomethingbeautiful.blogspot.com

Neidy said...

To put in a way that I hope makes you laugh, you can only turn your cheek so many times before you want to smack that person who's hitting you in the face.

You're the woman of Steele. It's okay to break down, it's okay to yell and scream as much as you want...

The Lord listens and will keep you in His stead. Pray, pray, and PRAY!!! I'll be doing that for you and we can hate deployment together. I'm sure there are many who hate it too :)

dance along the way no matter how much it hurts! This is the beginning of the end :)

A Marine's Wife! said...

It's ok to feel all the things you are feeling. We are all here for you. <3

JG said...

Don't ever feel guilty for letting it all out, because bottling it up doesn't help anyone, it only hurts you. And don't put too much pressure on yourself. He is your other half, and he wants to be there for you as much as you want to be there for him, so let him. Remember, you don't have to carry it all yourself. Even after Mr. S leaves...trust me, I know alone. I know how it feels like you are living in a bubble isolated from the whole world, and no one else quite understands. But God is with you, even when it may not feel like it. Praying and staying in the Bible is the only thing that gets me through the loneliness. And of course, whenever you need to vent, we're all just a click away. And if you don't want to post it all here (which I totally understand and agree with - I try to never post our personal things either, it's just between us) you know you can always just send off an email and I'm here and others are here and we won't judge you or think you are weak or not being a "good enough" milwife. We love you and are here for you, and when you go back to Civilian World (not nearly as fun as Disney World) we are still here. All the time, day or night.

Praying for you an for Mr. S.

Monica A. Heimes said...

I am right with ya!

I have had plenty of breakdowns and the hardest is you can't blame them.. because they have no say in what is going on.. MILITARY WIVES understand! While my husband was deployed I had a good cry.. well a few.. I wish you luck and strenght! I know you have it already! :)

Brie said...

*Hugs* Honey, have no shame in letting out your frustrations. We all know about that ugly vent session I had that got a lot of people worked up, but I still stand in my belief that venting DOES do good... Don't you feel better now?

I feel like my husband is always getting screwed out of things too. In such a hard time for you, though, something good is BOUND to happen. I believe in karma and it will make it up to you guys.

Julie the Army Wife said...

*hugs* to you. I think you have all the right in the world to feel the way you do. Us military wives do have to let it out sometime. And I think it is ok for him to see you cry. Deployments are so hard and add on to that not getting any leave. Just a very frustrating situation.

So don't feel guilty at all!

Caroline Steele said...

Virtual hugs! Of course it's harder on you than him—he's like a rock, nothing fazes him. But that means he can take care of and support you when you need it—don't be ashamed of being emotional! He's gotta be there for you as much as you for him. <3 <3 <3

allissa said...

You're allowed to be sad and angry and just plain pissed off, it really is. A very wise woman once told me, just a few hours ago that you don't have to keep it all together, just be you. If you ever need anything, we're all here.

L.C. said...

I wish I could give you the WORLDS biggest hug! I really do. If it makes you feel any better Ant never gets leave before he leaves either because everyone else always takes it. But I know in the scheme of things it REALLY sucks, and it is PERFECTLY normal to break, completely. And PS, if you EVER need me, text me :) My # is on my facebook profile. I will ALWAYS answer :) even if it's just a vent!

Amanda said...

awe! im so sorry! I wish I can just reach through the screen and give you a HUGE hug right now.
you're in my prayers.

Laina said...

awww, I wish I could come through the screen and give you a big hug, though that could come across as creepy. I'm glad you were able to vent it out. Hopefully it helped make you feel a little better. I'm sorry you are having such a hard time. It can be a very helpless feeling which leads of course to frustration. Wish I had the perfect thing to say to you to make you feel all better, but sadly, I don't. I just hope things turn around for you soon and you have a lot of support out there. :)

Amy Juhasz said...

:( I'm sorry. I cried for you reading this. You are strong to have made it tear free this far. *hugs*

Wife on the Roller Coaster said...

Oh sweety, I'm so sorry. But you know what, sometimes you just gotta breakdown and let it all out. I remember one day shortly after my husband left when I lost it in front of my friend and cried at her dining room table for like an hour. You're taking in a lot of information and dealing with a lot of emotions. It's ok to vent too. We're here. I hope tomorrow will be a better day. Hang in there.

Alia said...

Hugs to you! I am thinking about you and your hubby. YOU will get through this, it will be hard but we are all supporting you and your family and you will be so proud of yourself when it's all over. So vent away woman! We are here for you and I am praying for you and Mr. S :)

Lindsay Blogs said...

I can't imagine how hard it is to let the man you love go to war. I think you're definitely allowed to break down and let him know you will miss him. That's what will drive him to come home to you safe and sound.

The Wifey said...

I wish I could say something to make you feel better. Everyone deserves a good cry and breakdown. Heaven's knows I have had my fair share with this last deployment. You are a strong woman and I am sorry you are going through all of this.

Erin said...

We had a similar situation right before my hubs left. He was supposed to get 2 weeks of leave...turned into 0. Not even a day off before he left! I straight up lost my s*it! I know we want to stay strong like we are supposed to but sometimes you just have to get it off your chest!

Lisa said...

As so many others have said, it's a great thing to let your emotions out, especially to us. We all understand, and you're doing the best you can.

Believe is SO hard. But I put it on my mirror, on my dashboard, and on my phone. Just don't forget to believe, because whatever path you're taking will end up being the right path for you. It may not always be easy, but you'll get there!

Thinking of you and sending you many hugs!

Jessica said...

sending hugs to you...I completely understand
it's ok to let it out...you have to sometime

annoyed army wife said...

"Don't let your husband see you sad, angry or upset and most definitely, don't let him see you cry." Mrs. S, come on, that is the lamest rule I've ever heard. That and don't rush sex.

Your husband is the one person who is strong enough to see you in your most vulnerable form. You have to let him do his job (his husband job, not the air force thing), come home, stroke your hair, and whisper everything will be okay while you bawl your eyes out and blow snot bubbles on his shirt. And you're just priming your tear ducts for the real action...let it out now. Don't hold it in. Don't be strong.

Tylaine said...

I'm so sorry you're going through this Rachelle. I really truly am. My heart is breaking for you and all I want to do is give you a great big hug. There are no adequate words. I just feel for you.
You have gone through so much in the past though and I'm sure it has made you a stronger person. You have great faith and you will perservere. :) Love and Prayers xo

Sarah said...

Oh, sweetie. I'm sorry you have to go through this. Even though we knew Joe was going to get deployed 2 months ahead of time, he didn't get leave either. I know that doesn't make you feel better and probably doesn't help at all, but know that I understand. Heck, we all do. You WILL make it through this deployment. You WILL have your husband home safe and sound, just maybe not as soon as you'd like. You may FEEL alone, but you won't BE alone. You have us, your friends, family and most importantly, you have God. He's the only one who will NEVER leave you or fail you. Cling to that truth. And you can always call/email/Skype me. Anytime!!! I mean it. (((HUGS))) Love you girl!

BryceandWhit said...

Im here for you honey. Deployment sucks but your strong and you can get threw this. HUGS

C said...

I can absolutely understand how you feel. While I admit, I am one of those obnoxious people that occasionally complain :), I had to find some ways to deal.

C's Tips for Surviving the Life of a Military Wife (The Deployment)

1. Make goals, even little ones, that you can work towards (and look forward to) while he's away. Fun things, like baking your way through an amazing cookbook, secretly surprising your husband by becoming a licensed masseuse while he's away, or traveling to someplace random like Nebraska. Or Guam, if you're gonna get all exotic about it.

2. Take the time to complain to people who love you enough not to actually listen. You know they support you, and since they're actually half ignoring you, you can really get everything off your chest without any guilt.

3. Buy unreasonable shoes that are way too fancy/stripper-ish for any actual occasion.

Then wear them to the grocery store and be totally fabulous. (Bonus points for extremely over-sized sunglasses.)

I used to have mini-meltdowns pretty consistently, and since doing these things, have become much more stable.

And if it all goes to hell in a handbag, just count up how many people love you! (I counted 20 people passing the love via comment, and I'm #21!)

Beka said...

I'm SO sorry to hear about your break down and everything you are feeling!! :( My heart breaks for you! I wish I lived closer to you! I know what you mean about not packing and not doing his laundry. I was the same way! I also know what you mean about living in the civilian world! I'm right there with you! It is nice to be around the family but I hear ya when you say they just don't get it. I can't believe that he doesn't get R&R!! WTF??! Are they serious?? I would be sooo mad! I am mad with you!

It's ok to break down and cry. It's ok that your husband knows too. He knows your human. You don't have to hide the fact that your scared or sad from him. I would talk with him about it. My husband and I talked the day he deployed. He cried with me {he actually started crying first but don't tell him I told you :)} we opened up to each other and told each other our fears, our feelings.. everything.
I think it's better that way, instead of crying alone and hiding it. I'm sure he would love to talk to you about what your feeling. That's just my advice.

I'm not going to say 'keep your head up' or 'stay strong'. I'm saying go through the emotions and bond with your hubby. Cry, because it's ok. Venting like you did is good too. I'm here for you!!

Lots of love and hugs your way!! {p.s. I'm going to email you back too k.} xoxoxoxo

Expat Girl said...

Oh my heart sunk when I read this, I wish I could give you a big hug. You can do this and dont ever feel like you cant.Does it suck? yes absolutely but other days are good and time passes by. There are absolutely no rules that your husband cant see you upset, in fact Mr SOldier prefers when I get upset because he says its proves how much I care haha. I am sorry that you are being messed around with leave but I have to tell yu the build up to deployment is so much worse than the actual thing. By the time the deployment comes around you are so exhausted from the emotions running up to it that you are almost ready for it to start just so you can start your countdown to reunions again. We are all here for you in whatever way we can be when you need us but keep your head up, soak up all the time you have left and know that you are stronger than you believe

jenna♥devon said...

You are right, not everyone will understand but while reading this I kept thinking, Heavenly Father's heart is breaking through your sorrows. He must really be testing you and know that you are a strong and amazing girl who can get through this because no trial is too tough for us. I know what true sorry and heart break feels like and I don't with it upon anyone. I know there are different kinds like the kind you are experiencing. I hope I am making sense. I know I am going to regret babbling like this but I am up with a sad baby and I couldn't help but get glued to your sad post. I know we weren't best friends or anything but I sure do look up to you and I sincerely pray for you and hope that through this trial you will find your testimony grow and find that magnificently strong part of you shine through.

♥jenna

Steph said...

I feel for you. Everyone is entitled to breakdown and lose it every once in awhile. Once everything is over you will be a stronger person because of all of this. Thinking of you....

Allie said...

Deployments suck. There is no sugar coating it at all. It is a hard hard time. I am so sorry you are going through this! Keep your head up and keep strong, I know you can do it. You and your husband are in my prayers and if you need anything please feel free to email me. <3

Maranda said...

Please do not ever feel like you can't or shouldn't use your own blog to complain and post about your frustrations. That's what this place is here for!

I don't agree with that "rule" that we shouldn't show our soldiers how much we hurt. He needs to know how much it hurts and how much it sucks. He loves you and needs to know you love him as well. What I believe the "rule" is about is that he needs to also believe you can make it. That you will survive this. And you will. We will all be here for you.

I understand how it is to be surrounded by people but still be completely alone. You can do this and we will help as much as you need.

I'm so glad you posted this. I'm so sorry you have to go through this. ((HUGS))

chambanachik said...

I think it would be weirder if you DIDN'T break down a little. Stay strong.

Ash and Matt | A SoCal Story said...

Oh, I'm so sorry. I think that would be frustrating for anyone, and you're handling it so well! Everyone needs a good cry every now and then--and if there was ever a time it was well-deserved, it's now. I hope things get better and that he's able to spend more time with you before he leaves! In the meantime, just keep doing your best :-)

Lindsey and Co said...

I swear this happens to every single Military Wife at one point. It's kind of a right of passage. Everything you explained seems like a typical day of a military wife. I'm not down playing your feelings at all though...it's just SOOO common. My hubs has been in for 7 years...and not once has he EVER gotten time off before a deployment. And we've been through probably 10 separations. He's a Marine, and they work a bit differently but still. I thought I should get the last couple of days with him. Instead he was inventorying gear and crap that didnt seem important at all. If you are LUCKY, you might get some leave when he returns. Hang in there...I PROMISE you will get used to things like this. In the mean time..... cry it out if you need to! A good cry always makes ya feel better. :D

Jen said...

I can relate to everything you wrote up there. I'm praying for you and for your husband!

Caroline said...

I would have had a breakdown too. I'm so sorry. That's so frustrating. Hang in there hon. It's ok to let your husband know you're upset, sad mad, whatever. I don't believe in hiding it because that's just the person I am.

By the way I'm a new follower :)

Team Mama said...

I just got to read this post as I didn't take my computer to Serbia. Hang in there- one of the reasons I am coming in a week is so you can totally lose it when he leaves and I can help keep things together for you. If you want to cry and vent all the way back to Arizona, it's OK. If you try to hold it all in, the stress of doing that will do bad things to your health. Cody can take it- he grew up with 3 sisters! =}
Hang in there...cherish the time you have and make plans for the time he's gone and when he returns. See you soon! Love you much!!! <3 <3 <3

Chelle said...

So I'm lagging like always in life in keeping up with people's lives BUT the more you write about the deployment the more I wish we were closer. I hate dealing with deployment and sadly everything you write right now, is what I'll be writing soon enough. This unit is soo ass backward nothing goes right.

But not about me, I just hate seeing you hurt :( It's not fair but sadly what can we do but to lean on each other when we can't carry the burden alone anymore.